(no subject)
Jan. 2nd, 2003 12:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollyesterday morning, i woke up in a really wonderful mood.
i was just very happy about most things in my life... very at peace with the way i had spent the party, including the fact that i had a chunk-sized anxiety attack for like 3-4 hours of it. it was good : )
this morning, i'm feeling raw.
at some points, i feel like i've made a world of progress. but at the same time, i see exactly how far i am from where i think i should be and i resent it insanely. the only thing to do is to focus on getting there.
i noticed that i've been wanting stuff, nice stuff, even, lately.
it started with my cell phone. i'd always bought cheapass cell phones, and then last year, i totally splurged, spent $200 and got one that's nice. and now i got a laptop... and i feel a pull to get a better/newer camera... and odder still, i've found myself wanting new furniture.
the background on the last one is that for as long as i can remember, i've been pulled to spend time travelling. be it hostelling in europe or driving cross country, i've had the extreme urge to be on my own, with a minimal amount of stuff, just experiencing life for a while. and the thought of that still makes me shake. but, i've always seen the permanent things in my life, such as furniture, as anchors that hold me down. i moved to boston with a futon, a tv stand (that functioned as a computer table - and does so again at the moment) and a bookcase full of books. every piece of furniture i've brought over from NJ since (and it hasn't even been much - a second futon, which allowed the first to function as a couch, a dresser and a dinner table) was like extra weight added to what i carry - something i could feel. and i resented each piece of it.
so, its really weird to be thinking that maybe (just maybe) i want an actual bed (that would allow me to have extra storage space) and an armoire along with my dresser, so i could store all my stuff properly vs. having things packed away in boxes.
i'm still feeling very torn over it, and very confused by the mere existence of the thoughts.
and, the sad part is, between the laptop, school and the travelling i want to do, it'd be a good long time before i can afford furniture anyways.
i don't make new year's resolutions, per se... pushing myself ahead of where i am now is kinda like a constant effort and new year's eve doesn't hold a special notch in that continuum for me. right now, the things that are important to me are:
making myself more productive: taking classes, doing homework, doing what i need to do to keep the house clean, doing chores/errands when they need to be done.
personal growth: i stumbled on a big block last week, so that's what i'm fixated on right now, but overall, i just want to keep smoothing out the kinks as i find them
social interaction: there are a lot of people that i've met or know that i'd like to get to know better or spend time around. i hope to work though my social-related issues and actually do that.
living: to experience more, appreciate more of what i experience, have more art in my life and travel more. i so want and need to travel more.
there are things i have planned that i'm really excited about. seeing henry rollins, beltane, montreal, the next cirque du soleil trip.
there are things that i want to set plans for - actually catch a poetry slam at the lizard lounge, see contact, get out of this country at least once.
that latter one can't happen soon enough.
there are things i'm intimidated by.
the block i stumbled on - it may take a lot to work out, and i'm scared shitless of the idea that i may make mistakes before finding a balance.
the class that starts on Monday. i keep concentrating on the fact that its only 3 weeks long.
the fact that i feel a desire to find stability in aspects of my life that are fluid. i feel like i'm walking on quicksand, and its a conscious effort not to flail my arms in reach for handrails that aren't there. it makes me try to cling to knowing that forcing myself to walk upright on my own is the right way to do it. its also another thing that the dolina quote of "kak otsichyonaya ruka, bolit y noyet vmeste zhesta" (like a severed arm, hurting and aching in place of a gesture" applies to. ...in the same way that i was struck when kira's mom mentioned that she hasn't been able to listen to dolina since kira was born. (i really miss having kira and her mom more actively in my life, damnit)
and, in a lot of ways, i'm just feeling very impatient. i want the things that i want now, not when "all the pieces click together" or "i have money saved up" or any combination thereof. and i think that despite the pangs of frustration, this is good - it keeps me focussed on what i want.
on Tuesday night, i realized i could only find one adjective to describe 2002 - "heavy". i don't think the weight is gone, but i'm hoping it will be much lighter when the ball drops next year.
there were some people i missed seeing at the party.
hopefully, i will see two of them this weekend, and i'm very excited about both - more in a "i'm feeling the lack of those hugs" then a "it will be a blast" sort of way.
i was just very happy about most things in my life... very at peace with the way i had spent the party, including the fact that i had a chunk-sized anxiety attack for like 3-4 hours of it. it was good : )
this morning, i'm feeling raw.
at some points, i feel like i've made a world of progress. but at the same time, i see exactly how far i am from where i think i should be and i resent it insanely. the only thing to do is to focus on getting there.
i noticed that i've been wanting stuff, nice stuff, even, lately.
it started with my cell phone. i'd always bought cheapass cell phones, and then last year, i totally splurged, spent $200 and got one that's nice. and now i got a laptop... and i feel a pull to get a better/newer camera... and odder still, i've found myself wanting new furniture.
the background on the last one is that for as long as i can remember, i've been pulled to spend time travelling. be it hostelling in europe or driving cross country, i've had the extreme urge to be on my own, with a minimal amount of stuff, just experiencing life for a while. and the thought of that still makes me shake. but, i've always seen the permanent things in my life, such as furniture, as anchors that hold me down. i moved to boston with a futon, a tv stand (that functioned as a computer table - and does so again at the moment) and a bookcase full of books. every piece of furniture i've brought over from NJ since (and it hasn't even been much - a second futon, which allowed the first to function as a couch, a dresser and a dinner table) was like extra weight added to what i carry - something i could feel. and i resented each piece of it.
so, its really weird to be thinking that maybe (just maybe) i want an actual bed (that would allow me to have extra storage space) and an armoire along with my dresser, so i could store all my stuff properly vs. having things packed away in boxes.
i'm still feeling very torn over it, and very confused by the mere existence of the thoughts.
and, the sad part is, between the laptop, school and the travelling i want to do, it'd be a good long time before i can afford furniture anyways.
i don't make new year's resolutions, per se... pushing myself ahead of where i am now is kinda like a constant effort and new year's eve doesn't hold a special notch in that continuum for me. right now, the things that are important to me are:
making myself more productive: taking classes, doing homework, doing what i need to do to keep the house clean, doing chores/errands when they need to be done.
personal growth: i stumbled on a big block last week, so that's what i'm fixated on right now, but overall, i just want to keep smoothing out the kinks as i find them
social interaction: there are a lot of people that i've met or know that i'd like to get to know better or spend time around. i hope to work though my social-related issues and actually do that.
living: to experience more, appreciate more of what i experience, have more art in my life and travel more. i so want and need to travel more.
there are things i have planned that i'm really excited about. seeing henry rollins, beltane, montreal, the next cirque du soleil trip.
there are things that i want to set plans for - actually catch a poetry slam at the lizard lounge, see contact, get out of this country at least once.
that latter one can't happen soon enough.
there are things i'm intimidated by.
the block i stumbled on - it may take a lot to work out, and i'm scared shitless of the idea that i may make mistakes before finding a balance.
the class that starts on Monday. i keep concentrating on the fact that its only 3 weeks long.
the fact that i feel a desire to find stability in aspects of my life that are fluid. i feel like i'm walking on quicksand, and its a conscious effort not to flail my arms in reach for handrails that aren't there. it makes me try to cling to knowing that forcing myself to walk upright on my own is the right way to do it. its also another thing that the dolina quote of "kak otsichyonaya ruka, bolit y noyet vmeste zhesta" (like a severed arm, hurting and aching in place of a gesture" applies to. ...in the same way that i was struck when kira's mom mentioned that she hasn't been able to listen to dolina since kira was born. (i really miss having kira and her mom more actively in my life, damnit)
and, in a lot of ways, i'm just feeling very impatient. i want the things that i want now, not when "all the pieces click together" or "i have money saved up" or any combination thereof. and i think that despite the pangs of frustration, this is good - it keeps me focussed on what i want.
on Tuesday night, i realized i could only find one adjective to describe 2002 - "heavy". i don't think the weight is gone, but i'm hoping it will be much lighter when the ball drops next year.
there were some people i missed seeing at the party.
hopefully, i will see two of them this weekend, and i'm very excited about both - more in a "i'm feeling the lack of those hugs" then a "it will be a blast" sort of way.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-01-02 10:43 am (UTC)Oh, and seeing Rollins is always a good thing... I think I am going to try to catch him next time he comes to Dallas...
no subject
Date: 2003-01-03 05:57 pm (UTC)Patience is a hard won ally, but something that tends to stay with you... so keep up trying for that.
yeah, i can't believe i forgot to put that on the list - definately an important skill to keep developing (and, sadly, one that i slippud up with today)
no subject
Date: 2003-01-03 04:04 pm (UTC)I'd love to join you for this. I've been meaning to, but haven't had the guts. There are a couple of other local slams that I've seen posters for, and even one that I've been thinking of submitting poetry to, to possibly get my ass up on stage and blow some minds.
But it has to start somewhere. . . So, if you want company, I'm in. :-)
starting
Date: 2003-01-03 05:55 pm (UTC)i've been to slams at the cantab a few times, but have never actually made it to an 8X8, because their previous schedule was weird, and missing the open mike (which i found to be more painful then not the couple of times i caught it) also meant missing the regular slam. typically, i glance at their calendar for the (slight) chance that any of their featured poets stick out to me.
i was introduced to slam poetry by
what other local slams have you been eyeing?