elvendoll

...to what is bound to be one of the worst days of my life....

some background, first though - i've been barely attending my classes this semester. call it depression, lack of willpower, lack of motivation, fear of failing - hell, i think the three of them are fighting it out in there.
one of the two classes i was attending more regularly has been my psych class... i want psych to be my minor, and so its one of the classes i'm a little more motivated towards. now the professor had spent a full month one the first 2 chapters, and i knew the pace was going to quicken from there, but i didn't really feel it i guess.
now last time i went to the class was last wednesday - 1 week ago. the professor was doing stuff for the paper we'll have to write in december, and put the class to group work.
i walked in late, felt horribly out of my place, realized that noone else in the group had done the reading for the group thing either, and decided to jet out of there.
friday i don't think i went ot either of my classes, and monday i only went to my 11:30 class (for the third time this semester) because i was going to get the paper done for my tuesday class with the saved time.
the paper didn't get done.
the paper didn't get started.
the reading for it is still not done.
i had decided to make up an excuse as to why i couldn't get it in, and give myself more time to do it so that i wouldn't be so stressed over it.
then, i kept pushing school stuff out of my mind for the remainder of the day, as the slightest tip of it popping out gave instant anxiety.
then, out of nowhere, i wake up at 5am. because my subconscious remembered that i have a test today, and decided that its important enough to wake me up for.
i tried to put it back off to the back of my head and get some more sleep, but that didn't happen.
so i got up, and went online to check the revised syllabus.
sure enough, test today, chapters 3 and 4.
i haven't even looked at them!

so, after finsihing this, i'm going to read over the chapter summaires, go to my first class, look through the 60 pages of text again during the break, go in to fail the test, and get home to call my mother.
i'm going to try telling her everything...
because i was up thinking about what to do a lot...
and the bottom line is that i really don't want to be in school this semester, i seem to have developed a lot of issues that i can't give the priority status enough to resolve while i am trying to focus myself on the school stuff - and failing at it.
i don't know what will come of it.
i may end up maybe just dropping one of my courses and getting a part time job, too.. or i may just withdraw out, and get a full time job for a while.
because right now it just seems like i have bitten off more then i can chew, and even though i know i should be able to pull it off, if i can't, then i have to face that before i put myself in the psych word and/or alienate those around me by my issues..
i'm just so dreading both the test and the phone call right now.
it hurts me already, and its going to hurt even more once i hear her voice.
its funny, my mom never really punished me... but just a disaproving tone in her voice drives me batty.
and this conversation is going to have a lot of pain and disapointment : /
*sigh*