(no subject)
Feb. 12th, 2003 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli was telling him about how i feel like a jigsaw puzzle of an expressionist painting, and have no clue where the pieces begin to go... and how i have a paralyzing fear of trying to put it together and trying to fit pieces into the wrong places.
he asked whether pieces that don't go together just wouldn't stick together. and i retold a story from my childhood, only now realizing just how symbolic it is for the rest of my life.
when i was 5 or 6, i made a plasticine rabbit. and it was a very well-done rabbit. and when it was done, i wanted it to stand on a notecard. i covered the notecard in green plasticine to look like grass and tried to make it stand there. and i tried. for hours. and then bits of what used to be the rabbit ended up all over the room - some on the walls, and some even on the high ceiling.
i am scared of the fact that i'm capable of such rage, of rage that stops seeing reason. terrified that sometimes, when pieces don't fit together like i think they should, i stop being able to recognize that maybe they don't belong there, and break them in trying to make them fit.
and because of that, i'm scared of looking at the pieces close enough to see if i can form a guess as to how they should fit. i'm afraid to touch them - to misjudge and break them for good.
and, instead of trying things, i spend incredible amounts of energy on not forming any expectations. because while it would be helpful to learn how to control that rage, i haven't had much success when it does come out, and learning to control it means letting it come out more and risking the damage it can do to my world.
and the most fucked up bit is that i can see that i'm holding myself back and can't force myself to work on this, because the mere thought of shattering my world, and with my own actions, scares me so much.
he asked whether pieces that don't go together just wouldn't stick together. and i retold a story from my childhood, only now realizing just how symbolic it is for the rest of my life.
when i was 5 or 6, i made a plasticine rabbit. and it was a very well-done rabbit. and when it was done, i wanted it to stand on a notecard. i covered the notecard in green plasticine to look like grass and tried to make it stand there. and i tried. for hours. and then bits of what used to be the rabbit ended up all over the room - some on the walls, and some even on the high ceiling.
i am scared of the fact that i'm capable of such rage, of rage that stops seeing reason. terrified that sometimes, when pieces don't fit together like i think they should, i stop being able to recognize that maybe they don't belong there, and break them in trying to make them fit.
and because of that, i'm scared of looking at the pieces close enough to see if i can form a guess as to how they should fit. i'm afraid to touch them - to misjudge and break them for good.
and, instead of trying things, i spend incredible amounts of energy on not forming any expectations. because while it would be helpful to learn how to control that rage, i haven't had much success when it does come out, and learning to control it means letting it come out more and risking the damage it can do to my world.
and the most fucked up bit is that i can see that i'm holding myself back and can't force myself to work on this, because the mere thought of shattering my world, and with my own actions, scares me so much.
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no subject
Date: 2003-02-12 11:11 pm (UTC)Everything is transient.
no subject
Date: 2003-02-13 01:29 am (UTC)anyway as with certain friends of mine who have spent half of their lives solely in therapy, trying to piece themselves together - but failing to take on new projects, any projects at all, or meet new people, new interactions... this friend of mine in particular, i think, missed out on a LOT which in the end could have helped her. i think she's learning that now...
go see ADAPTATION. this movie is so amazing. i think you'll relate somehow. i know i did.
meow!
blarg. we'll talk this weekend. i cant seem to get any words out on stupid digi-paper anymore. esp. in lj comments. ew.