(no subject)
Mar. 13th, 2003 04:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli feel like i'm about to make a confession.
and i'm not sure why i feel the need to state this - the closest i can come up with is that i've voiced it the last few times i was in a spot like this, and eventually, i'd come out on the other side.
i've hit a depression. all the signs are there - the one i was in most denial about is the ending of life thoughts. they're different this time, not plowing my car into a poll at some ungodly speed, so i was just dismissing them.
and this isn't me saying i'm anywhere near doing something to myself - its just time to really accept that those thoughts popping up is a sign of where i am. (i still shudder at the memory of being told that thinking about driving my car into a poll or letting myself fall under a train a few times a day isn't normal and not being to comprehend that)
and i've been here before, and know i'll come out again. a part of me is still in shock at the timing - spring is almost here - i haven't been like this around springtime in years.
and in a way, i think accepting that this is where i'm at is a step up from the last week, when i couldn't tell if this was all chemical and i should wait it out, or if its my head taking a wrong turn, and something i need to fight. now, i can work with it being both, give up on finding a "cause" and fight both aspects of it. which is, of course, much easier to say then to do.
i think the first resolution is two hours of TV a day as the maximum - that lets me come home and keep the tube on long enough to find/fix a meal and eat it, but after then, only homework, reading, chores or going out, and not vegging on the couch. and i want to schedule some time at 1369, but need to figure out what else i'm doing during the week first.
on a different note, i got my first beach craving of the season last night. the temperature was not-freezing, and walking through harvard square to get to my car, all i wanted was to have sand under me, hear waves crashing and be able to see ocean all the way to the horizon. unfortunately, it was already midnight on a schoolnight, and a jaunt to nantasket wasn't the wisest plan.
he and i saw secretary again last night, and walking into the brattle, i was reminded of how much i like the theater despite its small screen size - with it, come the associations of group trips to movies like bladerunner, city of lost children, brazil and a clockwork orange. definitely good stuff.
and the movie, was good, too. seeing it a second time, and with very different audience reactions, accented different aspects of the movie and/but it was still very enjoyable.
oh, and i think i'm going to take a break from boston sushi. i had got really unsatisfactory sushi at ginza last week, and while dinner at roka was definitely better, it still wasn't as good as a sushi dinner should be. i'm just hoping boston is going through a quick sucky-sushi phase, rather then this being the norm now.
and its snowing out. like i told her yesterday, i prefer snow to rain, because its brighter and doesn't trigger sad-reactions. but today, i'd really prefer rain. its bad enough i have to do the almost-4-hour drive in the dark, i really don't want to do it in snow, too.
this time next month, i'm going to be in amsterdam.
its finally starting to hit me *bounce*
a coworker told me he'll bring me a guidebook, and i am hoping to have hostel reservations by the end of next week.
i have to admit, i'm feeling closer to 85%-emotionally-ready-to-travel-on-my-own then 100%, but its very easy to remember the feelings of freedom, independence and being there in the world travelling gives me. i predict i will have an amazing week.
three years ago today i was at my parent's house, being cranky and had just signed the lease to the apartment. i can't believe that i'll have lived there(here) for three years at the end of the month. that's the longest i've lived anywhere since i was 10.
two years ago tomorrow i was feeling less then stellar and bill and i had a bit of a tiff.
a year ago todayi recounted a couple of experience that rocked my pre-teen world. i didn't mention what the icing on the cake of that summer ended up being - we left the resort a couple of days before everyone else, to go visit relatives in talin (who now live in israel), and were heading back to moscow on my 10th birthday. i was really less then thrilled with the idea of spending my birthday on a train until we boarded, and i realized that all the kids i liked from the resort were not only on the same train, but also in the same car. and the boy in question lifted me by my ears ten times, as some weird birthday ritual, 'so i could see moscow', and that birthday ended up being the best birthday of my childhood.
and i'm not sure why i feel the need to state this - the closest i can come up with is that i've voiced it the last few times i was in a spot like this, and eventually, i'd come out on the other side.
i've hit a depression. all the signs are there - the one i was in most denial about is the ending of life thoughts. they're different this time, not plowing my car into a poll at some ungodly speed, so i was just dismissing them.
and this isn't me saying i'm anywhere near doing something to myself - its just time to really accept that those thoughts popping up is a sign of where i am. (i still shudder at the memory of being told that thinking about driving my car into a poll or letting myself fall under a train a few times a day isn't normal and not being to comprehend that)
and i've been here before, and know i'll come out again. a part of me is still in shock at the timing - spring is almost here - i haven't been like this around springtime in years.
and in a way, i think accepting that this is where i'm at is a step up from the last week, when i couldn't tell if this was all chemical and i should wait it out, or if its my head taking a wrong turn, and something i need to fight. now, i can work with it being both, give up on finding a "cause" and fight both aspects of it. which is, of course, much easier to say then to do.
i think the first resolution is two hours of TV a day as the maximum - that lets me come home and keep the tube on long enough to find/fix a meal and eat it, but after then, only homework, reading, chores or going out, and not vegging on the couch. and i want to schedule some time at 1369, but need to figure out what else i'm doing during the week first.
on a different note, i got my first beach craving of the season last night. the temperature was not-freezing, and walking through harvard square to get to my car, all i wanted was to have sand under me, hear waves crashing and be able to see ocean all the way to the horizon. unfortunately, it was already midnight on a schoolnight, and a jaunt to nantasket wasn't the wisest plan.
he and i saw secretary again last night, and walking into the brattle, i was reminded of how much i like the theater despite its small screen size - with it, come the associations of group trips to movies like bladerunner, city of lost children, brazil and a clockwork orange. definitely good stuff.
and the movie, was good, too. seeing it a second time, and with very different audience reactions, accented different aspects of the movie and/but it was still very enjoyable.
oh, and i think i'm going to take a break from boston sushi. i had got really unsatisfactory sushi at ginza last week, and while dinner at roka was definitely better, it still wasn't as good as a sushi dinner should be. i'm just hoping boston is going through a quick sucky-sushi phase, rather then this being the norm now.
and its snowing out. like i told her yesterday, i prefer snow to rain, because its brighter and doesn't trigger sad-reactions. but today, i'd really prefer rain. its bad enough i have to do the almost-4-hour drive in the dark, i really don't want to do it in snow, too.
this time next month, i'm going to be in amsterdam.
its finally starting to hit me *bounce*
a coworker told me he'll bring me a guidebook, and i am hoping to have hostel reservations by the end of next week.
i have to admit, i'm feeling closer to 85%-emotionally-ready-to-travel-on-my-own then 100%, but its very easy to remember the feelings of freedom, independence and being there in the world travelling gives me. i predict i will have an amazing week.
three years ago today i was at my parent's house, being cranky and had just signed the lease to the apartment. i can't believe that i'll have lived there(here) for three years at the end of the month. that's the longest i've lived anywhere since i was 10.
two years ago tomorrow i was feeling less then stellar and bill and i had a bit of a tiff.
a year ago todayi recounted a couple of experience that rocked my pre-teen world. i didn't mention what the icing on the cake of that summer ended up being - we left the resort a couple of days before everyone else, to go visit relatives in talin (who now live in israel), and were heading back to moscow on my 10th birthday. i was really less then thrilled with the idea of spending my birthday on a train until we boarded, and i realized that all the kids i liked from the resort were not only on the same train, but also in the same car. and the boy in question lifted me by my ears ten times, as some weird birthday ritual, 'so i could see moscow', and that birthday ended up being the best birthday of my childhood.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-13 02:00 pm (UTC)Good for you, taking positive steps to make changes right away.
But, if things get too bleak for you, call a friend or someone else who can help, okay?
I haven't been around much this winter, but you are a valued friend and your happiness is important to me. I'm here if you need me. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-03-13 03:15 pm (UTC)the trip to jamaica really helped last year, and right about a year ago i also caught a nice case of NRE, which prolly helped speed the time along.
i do (to the best of my self-knoweldge) have SAD, but i remember it tapering off as the days get longer. for me, mid - october to mid-december are the worst of it, because each day gets shorter, gloomier and colder; its weird to be feeling worse in march then i did in february.
& *hugs* thank you : )
no subject
Date: 2003-03-13 06:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-13 09:45 pm (UTC)since the first time it helped me, i've poked around pubmed and found that it definately wasn't all placebo effect. i've been taking a pill a day when i remember it, but thats been less then a third of the time. i want to put myself on a regular schedule with them once i get back from NJ, and so all the other stuff i should to get my ass back in gear.
sometimes you just float through it
Date: 2003-03-13 07:38 pm (UTC)Sometimes
you
just
get
down...
Some people medicate with natural stuff, some people hit the prescription meds. Some people bottle their emotions all up & hide from the world. Some people seek out a doc or trained professional to talk with.
My good moods have been broken by thought of overwhelming bills, the monotony of taxes. The impossible mess we've made of the environment & government. (There's no 'ment that we've done well!) Life is hard. Money sucks.
Personally, when those thoughts hit, I take some time to feel really misreble. Self depriciation, self pity, disgust at my actions/thoughts, feeling heartbroken, unloved, horrible, too tall, too fat, too boring, too inept -- wherever it leads until it's done.
And sometimes there are thoughts that someone out there would term "unhealthy." But it's all normal stuff. I'm not the only one to feel this way. It isn't the first time nor the last time that I'm going to feel this way.
I'm alive. And I know that there is a tomorrow out there. That suns do rise and set and the earth does turn and the seasons will change and that I am alive. And I am going to be fine.
And
so
are
you!
*hugs*
(That being said, for anyone out there, any time that you are feeling super bad for extended periods of time, you need to get to a professional [or friend] and ask for help.)
Re: sometimes you just float through it
Date: 2003-03-13 09:55 pm (UTC)thank you : )
there's definately up and down, all the time, but right now, i'm gauging by where the baseline is, and its not in a pretty place. its not bad enough to cause real problems just yet, but i think with where i am at, trying to wait it out isn't the right solution.
i was clinically depressed from about 14 to 19, and refused to take any kind of meds for it, thinking that if it started in my head, i should be able to fix it in my head. then, i started having serious anxiety attacks and my mom convinced me to go on st. john's wort - and it seemed like a miracle happened. the anxiety and the depression lifted, and now, its sometimes hard to conceptualize what it was like all those years - just like back then, i couldn't fathom what it can be like to live without that constant.
i have SAD, which hits me each fall, and i find ways to compensate for it, like allowing myself extra downtime and not taking any in-school classes (an online class worked really well this fall)
with where i am right now, it seems a little too late in the season to be a part of SAD, and now that the fact that its not just a series of bad days has clicked into my head, i'm going to fight it. and i know i'll succeed - i have before - its just a matter of buckling down and doing it.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-14 11:00 am (UTC)I've been pretty depressed lately, too. You should try some meditation and/or yoga. It usually helps, especially since depression can cause a lot of physical pain as well as emotional pain. A nice, warm bath and some tea can do a lot of good as well.