(no subject)
Mar. 25th, 2003 11:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli watched tv for an extra hour today, but there was a new buffy, and i hadn't seen a new buffy, as its airing, since December, so i'm going to stop feeling guilty.
then, i returned roma's call and started leafing through the books.
i'm still behind
i still skimmed a lot
but, the sheer panic is lifting.
i know i do this to myself. and when i do (or start) breaking through the cycle, i can't fathom how i could have stayed in it, when being out feels so much better.
when i talked to my mom today, she told me i sounded off. i told her that i've been having an off month (which i mentioned to her when i was visiting) and she asked me if i've been taking my happy pills. after i told her i was, she asked me what is causing this. i told her i didn't know, to which she said that i do - that there's always an external cause that is a trigger. and the next thing i said was "school". i feel out of the loop, behind and intimidated/overwhelmed because of the lack of direction/instruction from the professor.
it brings up a lot of questions for me. about whether its unreasonable not to take a class because i don't feel a click with a professor right away. about whether, in theory, i'm still too weak for full-time school. about how i let this snowball.
i spent a lot of time yo-yoing at work. mostly in piss-poor moods, but then i'd look outside, concentrate on the sunshine and the breeze and i'd cheer up for a bit.
i'm craving time outdoors, but its still about 10 degrees too cold.
and i crave camping, and i crave my safecampingplace and i try not to pine about not being able to be there.
and there's more i could write, but i should get back to reading.
then, i returned roma's call and started leafing through the books.
i'm still behind
i still skimmed a lot
but, the sheer panic is lifting.
i know i do this to myself. and when i do (or start) breaking through the cycle, i can't fathom how i could have stayed in it, when being out feels so much better.
when i talked to my mom today, she told me i sounded off. i told her that i've been having an off month (which i mentioned to her when i was visiting) and she asked me if i've been taking my happy pills. after i told her i was, she asked me what is causing this. i told her i didn't know, to which she said that i do - that there's always an external cause that is a trigger. and the next thing i said was "school". i feel out of the loop, behind and intimidated/overwhelmed because of the lack of direction/instruction from the professor.
it brings up a lot of questions for me. about whether its unreasonable not to take a class because i don't feel a click with a professor right away. about whether, in theory, i'm still too weak for full-time school. about how i let this snowball.
i spent a lot of time yo-yoing at work. mostly in piss-poor moods, but then i'd look outside, concentrate on the sunshine and the breeze and i'd cheer up for a bit.
i'm craving time outdoors, but its still about 10 degrees too cold.
and i crave camping, and i crave my safecampingplace and i try not to pine about not being able to be there.
and there's more i could write, but i should get back to reading.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-25 08:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-03-25 09:28 pm (UTC)personally, i love weeknight trips to nantasket, and i'm a big fan of evening walks in general, and your roomate showed me what a great place walden pond is on weekends : )
no subject
Date: 2003-03-25 10:29 pm (UTC)I hope your mood improves soon...remember, the semester is almost over.
(and I don't think it's unreasonable to question whether a teacher is going to work well for you, and in the college situation, there's really not much time to figure that out, so we often have to go on first impressions.)
no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 08:24 am (UTC)and thanks : )
it feels like its just starting - we've only had reading assignments until now, when the april 7th paper deadline is inching closer and closer. after that one more paper due on may 19th and i'm done with the class.
as far as whether a teacher is going to work... the other set of arguments is that i won't always be able to end up with professors that i mesh with, so i need to learn to deal with the ones i can't mesh with, because in the grand scheme of life, expecting to mesh with all your professors is a little unreasonable.
School
Date: 2003-03-26 05:04 am (UTC)You did tell me before, but I forget - what class is it your taking (I know its at Harvard and not Umass)?
I've never been to Nantasket. Let me know when you're going to explore and I'd love to come along if I'm free :)
Re: School
Date: 2003-03-26 08:33 am (UTC)i'm scared by how much i'm looking forward to umass classes, even if having soda/snack machines in the building is one of my reasons.
and nantasket is great - i'll definately let you know : )