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Apr. 9th, 2003 02:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollit took a bit of time for me to fall asleep last night, but once i did, i didn't wake up until the alarm rang, which is fairly unusual for me. i always think i've slept better on nights like this then nights when i wake up sometime in between, but i don't always feel like i did. i think the long sleep can be attributed to the fact that the cat decided to snub me (as being conscious of her place on the bed keeps me from sleeping deeper) and the sun never really came up this morning (because light wakes me up and makes me paranoid that i've overslept)
i didn't go to any parties this weekend, but between my friends list, friendsfriends and some conversations, my mind has been wandering to those spots. in a conversation with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tobi, i isolated one of the causes of my social anxiety. a part of how i function is being aware of people around me... so in social situations, i'm always watching and listening for where people are. the idea of, and actually interacting with people makes me anxious because when i'm actively interacting, i can't pay as much attention to what is going on. and i'm not quite sure how to fight this. i have ideas on working around it, but i'm already getting bit in the ass by the number of issues i work around, instead of fighting them.
she also mentioned that i'm an emotional person, and that took me by surprise. i know i didn't used to be. i think the switch flipped inside my years of depression, which are very close to being a big dark cloud in my memory banks, if you exclude the stuff that i did that i remember (like, i can remember specific events, but i can't remember day to day stuff... its kinda why i felt anxiety just whenkittypie told me she'd reread the letters i sent her in 95/96). now, for the most part, i'm in-tune enough with my emotions that for the most part, they're auto-rationalized. when i'm anxious or uncomfortable, i usually know why, and changing how i'm feeling is a matter of either doing something the not-doing of which causes problems, or trying to shift focus.the times i can't pinpoint stuff like that, i get stuck there for a while, and that's bad. feeling out of control, as was happening last week, can definitely send me over the edge, but i think the bulk of that is just the amount of time it takes me to change my perceptions to be aligned with the current situation. anger is rough for me. it feels like a whirlpool of razorblades spinning inside. luckily, it takes a lot to get me angry and last week was the first time in a very long time.
of course one of my bigger social issues is still that unless i am already really close to someone, i run on the assumption that if they're not interacting with me, its because they don't want to be. its why i don't call, IM or email people unless i'm in the process of organizing a gathering - to me, if they wanted contact with me, they'd IM/email/call. and i know that isolates me, but i can't seem to get past that wall.
on a tangent to that, most of my body thinks that it should be spring (not the snow i'm seeing through my window : /) and that its time to be frollicky and social. only its too fucking cold out to stick my nose out for more then two minutes.
and on a tangent to that, its still not hitting me that i'm on vacation in 4 days. 4 days. i know i'll be flying, that i'll find myself in a new and strange city, but it isn't real yet. and its about damn time for it to be, because it'd be a good time to finalize/memorize the way from the airport to the hostel.
because i'm hostelling, i'm having the biggest dilemma over what jacket to bring.
i'll need something that's warm enough when it is 40, cool enough when it is 60, won't disintegrate in the rain and won't upset me if its stolen. i don't quite know what to do.
i realized last night that i'm going to need travel insurance if i'm going to bring my digital camera, and that process is now being interesting.
and its so nasty out, i don't want to go outside at all, let alone trek to campus (to sign up for a summer course) : /
i didn't go to any parties this weekend, but between my friends list, friendsfriends and some conversations, my mind has been wandering to those spots. in a conversation with
tobi, i isolated one of the causes of my social anxiety. a part of how i function is being aware of people around me... so in social situations, i'm always watching and listening for where people are. the idea of, and actually interacting with people makes me anxious because when i'm actively interacting, i can't pay as much attention to what is going on. and i'm not quite sure how to fight this. i have ideas on working around it, but i'm already getting bit in the ass by the number of issues i work around, instead of fighting them. she also mentioned that i'm an emotional person, and that took me by surprise. i know i didn't used to be. i think the switch flipped inside my years of depression, which are very close to being a big dark cloud in my memory banks, if you exclude the stuff that i did that i remember (like, i can remember specific events, but i can't remember day to day stuff... its kinda why i felt anxiety just when
kittypie told me she'd reread the letters i sent her in 95/96). now, for the most part, i'm in-tune enough with my emotions that for the most part, they're auto-rationalized. when i'm anxious or uncomfortable, i usually know why, and changing how i'm feeling is a matter of either doing something the not-doing of which causes problems, or trying to shift focus.the times i can't pinpoint stuff like that, i get stuck there for a while, and that's bad. feeling out of control, as was happening last week, can definitely send me over the edge, but i think the bulk of that is just the amount of time it takes me to change my perceptions to be aligned with the current situation. anger is rough for me. it feels like a whirlpool of razorblades spinning inside. luckily, it takes a lot to get me angry and last week was the first time in a very long time.of course one of my bigger social issues is still that unless i am already really close to someone, i run on the assumption that if they're not interacting with me, its because they don't want to be. its why i don't call, IM or email people unless i'm in the process of organizing a gathering - to me, if they wanted contact with me, they'd IM/email/call. and i know that isolates me, but i can't seem to get past that wall.
on a tangent to that, most of my body thinks that it should be spring (not the snow i'm seeing through my window : /) and that its time to be frollicky and social. only its too fucking cold out to stick my nose out for more then two minutes.
and on a tangent to that, its still not hitting me that i'm on vacation in 4 days. 4 days. i know i'll be flying, that i'll find myself in a new and strange city, but it isn't real yet. and its about damn time for it to be, because it'd be a good time to finalize/memorize the way from the airport to the hostel.
because i'm hostelling, i'm having the biggest dilemma over what jacket to bring.
i'll need something that's warm enough when it is 40, cool enough when it is 60, won't disintegrate in the rain and won't upset me if its stolen. i don't quite know what to do.
i realized last night that i'm going to need travel insurance if i'm going to bring my digital camera, and that process is now being interesting.
and its so nasty out, i don't want to go outside at all, let alone trek to campus (to sign up for a summer course) : /
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no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 12:25 pm (UTC)ah, you do that too, huh? well, i used to do that a lot. don't do it quite so much anymore. it's one of those nasty, self-fulfilling prophesies though. you're not close, so you don't call people up, and therefore you don't get any closer to them. there's also the chance that some of these people feel the same way, so neither of you are contacting the other 'cause you assume the other doesn't want to interact.
my only suggestion is to suck it up, and just contact people from time to time. i mean, even if they *didn't* want to interact with you, it's not super-traumatic to receive an email from you. and i'm guessing that they probably do want to hear from you. it becomes easier with time.
layers. layers are good. bring a long-sleeved shirt, a warm woolen sweater, and a relatively light, weather-proof shell jacket. you'll probably be able to combine those in some way no matter what the weather is. and in the absolute worst-case scenario, Amsterdam has some great little open air markets where you can pick up some extra clothing for cheap.
have fun!
no subject
Date: 2003-04-09 01:49 pm (UTC)i frequently do the same thing... there are people that i see at clubs that i would talk to, but i figure that they would come say hi if they wanted to talk to me. as a result there are people that i've known for years but never talk to when i'm out.
in any event, feel free to call/im/email as much as you like... ;)