more on social awkwardness

[elvendoll]

one of the reasons for it is that i see myself as a very bland person.
while i don't think i'm totally boring inside and out, i'm fighting issues that cause me to not pursue the things that i am interested in, which make me much duller then who i want/yearn to be.
besides that, it takes entirely too long for me to get to know someone enough to have a relaxed conversation. i think it took me months to get to that point with zerokey, and i know i'm still fighting to get there with tafkar, even though sol3 did point out that i talked a bit more then "usual" the last time we spent time with her.

on top of all that, something else just clicked for me.
i don't perceive myself to be a "fun" person, in the least bit. other people have told me otherwise, but i can't see that at all.
and a part (but far from all) of that is that i relate "fun" to "funny", and i'm definitely not "funny" - i don't tell jokes, i don't say smarmy things very often, and i barely ever laugh (which i see as being different from the occasional giggle).

and i'm not sure what to do with this realization.
i can't remember if i was ever "funny", and while a part of me wants to be, i'm not sure its in me. i seem to be most amused by the tricks the universe plays on people, and just don't find much to amuse me to the point of laughter very often...

and while writing that, another pair of two's made four - i'm incredibly conscious of my accent and pronunciation problems... part of that is that i'm extremely insecure/self conscious about even the thought of needing to project a certain type of accent, intonation or even noise because it might come out differently from how i intend it to - and its hard to be "funny" when you don't do any of that.

on a different note, i haven't seen the city yet, but i certainly experienced parts of it last night. we were at a diner with exceptionally adorable and courteous punk waiters. people walking in were dressed with such personality i wanted to melt into my seat because of how lax i've gotten about how i dress - are clothes for comfort, or should they really be an extension of my personality?
the decor of the bar we went to really meshed with me. and there just aren't places like that in boston. there's no personality like that there. and its making me dread going back in a way that is much more acute then leaving amsterdam was - at least in amsterdam, i was on my own and going back to my life - here ... from coming here with sol3 to being here with kittypie, i don't feel like i left my life behind...

Comments

[zerokey.livejournal.com]

I'm probably a pretty bad example...
I haven't always been the easiest person to talk to.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

actually, i think you're the best example i've got...

i think it can be assumed that for the most part, both of us wanted to get to know/like each other and the opportunities i'd had to interact with you were closer to 1 on 1 then big social settings or places unfamiliar to me... the only thing skewing the latter is that we were usually on "your turf" (which makes me paranoid of intruding on someone else's space)

[tobi.livejournal.com]

Here's a small perspective. Humor generally comes when people are relaxed and comfortable. Usually you spend a lot of time worrying about the social situation instead of just being in it. When you relax and feel comfortable you shine a lot more. However, it takes so long to get that way because it takes you a long time to feel comfortable and secure.

Just a thought/perspective. *hug*