(no subject)

[elvendoll]

my body is fucking with me - i've been feeling all sort of off since last night... the emotional kind of off where i stop being able to tell where the lines are and what is my issue and what is not. typically, this is a sign of PMS, but i ovulated sometime last week, and am not due to bleed for another week.

while in this state, i have come to the conclusion that i need more fun in my life. i'm tired of the seriousness and the cautiousness and i want to let go and have some fucking fun - and having less then one month for it is no pressure at all, right?

i've been crying more lately. or, crying more easily. i went through years of not being able to cry, then not being able to cry for myself... in the past couple of months, it hasn't taken much to get me to the point of holding back the tears that have already welled up. i don't quite know how to feel about that.

i was a bad kid last night, and a worse kitty mommy.
i didn't do any chores - no laundry, no wrapping present, no getting shit for wrapping present, nothing.
moreover, little girl managed to take off her collar and i procrastinated going out to the store past its closing hours, so now she's grounded until i (or maybe a supernice roommate) grab her a new collar.

i'm anxious about tonight.
there's a hole that i feel, but forming expectations that tonight will fill that hole is beyond dangerous. but at the same time, i feel a pull to do just that, to let myself think that after tonight, everything will be okay, but i know, on so many levels, that it just doesn't work that way, and any expectations that the hole will get filled will only make it impossible for it to be.

i wish i was looking forward to the weekend. two weeks ago, i was. by now, i'm dreading the drive, i'm scared shitless of my mom seeing me at less-then-my-best, i'm paranoid about the number of blowups the house will have because of the raised stress levels and i'm beyond unthrilled at the driving involved.

and now that i've spewed this much, i guess i'll see if i can find a happy thought somewhere in my head.

Comments

[rednikki.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

thank you : )