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elvendoll*sigh*
because thats exactly how i feel....
i've gathered in inner strength today, and set out to call the places i've sent my resume.
just to get voice mail at every single one!
*sigh*
i'm going to try again after 2... because i much prefer talking to humans then leaving more noise in the ether.
talked to my mom today, looks like i'll be going to visit sometime thursday (if you don't know why, feel free to ask, but i may not answer...)
that makes me rather uncomfortable calling job places, as there's a chance i may be there for like a week (and really hopefully for no more then that!)...
the other odd part is that my mom's friend from montreal, and her hubby, are going to be stopping by at pretty much the same time. and my mom is putting them up in the basement - which is mostly the space alloted me since abi has what used to be my room.
so my choices would be sharing a room with either one of my sisters, or going to my grandparents' house.
at this point, i'm more partial to rooming with abi - she may wake up a couple of times a night and make noises for 10 mins at a time, but i think debbie would be more sensitive to my presence in the room, and thus more likely to bother me, and driving 15-20 mins. to my grandparents' just doesn't sound all to pleasant considering i'd be sleping in the living room anyhow.
but c'est la vie...
at this point i just want to get through these next couple of weeks.
and i'm tyring so hard not to flip out over the fact that i haven't gotten any job offers yet.
and i so hate the proccess of 'selling myself' in order to get a job...
but thats really what i need to do right now...
other then that, nothing much is new...
the weekend was a rollercoaster, and i still haven't sorted out most of my feelings about it...
bill is still being wonderful and i feel this really great debt accumilating on my shoulders.
i so want to do so much for him... to be more relaxed and not flipping out... to be more fun to be around... and to be more easy going....
and i wish everything didn't cost money.
i've been feeling so trapped in the house lately.
like i am stuck here.. with nowhere else to turn...
so when he gets home, i get this want to just go somewhere... which usually can't happen because of the cashflow problem, and end up feeling even more trapped and dissatisfied.
the other day i went back and reread the enties from last october, and it was odd... reading myself talking about fighting the SAD then... but also the parts about spending time with bill.. and how happy i used to be when i'd call himup ater work and hear him asking me to come visit... the lazy weekends we used to hav, just getting up enough to cook each other food...
not that i think our relationship is worse now, or any less satisfying, its just changed over time...
and i remember reading an entry in which i asked myself if i had anything to say.
sadly enough, i think i had more of an answer then. i definately feel even more like a pile of shapeless goo now.
well, i guess its time to gather that inner strength again and try it at the phone...
because thats exactly how i feel....
i've gathered in inner strength today, and set out to call the places i've sent my resume.
just to get voice mail at every single one!
*sigh*
i'm going to try again after 2... because i much prefer talking to humans then leaving more noise in the ether.
talked to my mom today, looks like i'll be going to visit sometime thursday (if you don't know why, feel free to ask, but i may not answer...)
that makes me rather uncomfortable calling job places, as there's a chance i may be there for like a week (and really hopefully for no more then that!)...
the other odd part is that my mom's friend from montreal, and her hubby, are going to be stopping by at pretty much the same time. and my mom is putting them up in the basement - which is mostly the space alloted me since abi has what used to be my room.
so my choices would be sharing a room with either one of my sisters, or going to my grandparents' house.
at this point, i'm more partial to rooming with abi - she may wake up a couple of times a night and make noises for 10 mins at a time, but i think debbie would be more sensitive to my presence in the room, and thus more likely to bother me, and driving 15-20 mins. to my grandparents' just doesn't sound all to pleasant considering i'd be sleping in the living room anyhow.
but c'est la vie...
at this point i just want to get through these next couple of weeks.
and i'm tyring so hard not to flip out over the fact that i haven't gotten any job offers yet.
and i so hate the proccess of 'selling myself' in order to get a job...
but thats really what i need to do right now...
other then that, nothing much is new...
the weekend was a rollercoaster, and i still haven't sorted out most of my feelings about it...
bill is still being wonderful and i feel this really great debt accumilating on my shoulders.
i so want to do so much for him... to be more relaxed and not flipping out... to be more fun to be around... and to be more easy going....
and i wish everything didn't cost money.
i've been feeling so trapped in the house lately.
like i am stuck here.. with nowhere else to turn...
so when he gets home, i get this want to just go somewhere... which usually can't happen because of the cashflow problem, and end up feeling even more trapped and dissatisfied.
the other day i went back and reread the enties from last october, and it was odd... reading myself talking about fighting the SAD then... but also the parts about spending time with bill.. and how happy i used to be when i'd call himup ater work and hear him asking me to come visit... the lazy weekends we used to hav, just getting up enough to cook each other food...
not that i think our relationship is worse now, or any less satisfying, its just changed over time...
and i remember reading an entry in which i asked myself if i had anything to say.
sadly enough, i think i had more of an answer then. i definately feel even more like a pile of shapeless goo now.
well, i guess its time to gather that inner strength again and try it at the phone...
