(no subject)
Sep. 5th, 2003 01:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollout of all the times i've gone on vacation, i've never had this hard a time readjusting to the alarmclock; both yesterday morning and today, it confused, frustrated and annoyed me in very simple "but i don't understand why it exists" ways, rather then "ug, need to get up for work" ways.
the dreams i was having around the time it rang were rather off, too... a part of it included needing to make sure that everything around me (my hair, the velvet frog, the pillow, etc) was damp with a water + vinegar combo to fight off remaining dust... a part had me in a pet store that had a black baby parrot that was twice my size, and another part involved doing some sort of chasing around a warehouse, with something akin to elaborate carts, in which my "older brother" was killed - only throughout the dream, i knew the dream would lead to him dying, and was convinced the plot came from some movie i had seen or a wonder years episode.
driving away from the playa, i heard a cover of leonard cohen's closing time and it seemed incredibly appropriate.
without any focus on that memory, i put in my leonard cohen cd as soon as i got into my car on Wednesday... only the song that got me closest to crying was so long, marianne, and though i didn't hear it again this morning, its stuck in my head right now.
speaking of songs, a song named alexandra has been one of my favorite russian songs since i was a little kid; its part of the soundtrack for moscow doesn't believe in tears and i'm sure its part of why i like the movie so much, too... yesterday, it clicked that i also really like leonard cohen's alexandra leaving and was pondering how that name has stuck to me - and then, i realized/remembered that my (only) cousin is named alexandra - and having to have 'realized' that made me feel weird.
broken day today, too.
hormones, decompression, needing to process out loud and the walls i was using to hold it all back crumbled.
i'm feeling better now, but leaving work early so i can work on feeling well enough to have a fun evening tonight... i really hate breaking, hate breaking on others even more, and hate breaking on others while at work the most. now that my period should be totally regular, i should really think about ways to both sequester myself away during the rough days and ways to shift life so that minimal emotionally charged stuff happens right before and on the rough days.
the dreams i was having around the time it rang were rather off, too... a part of it included needing to make sure that everything around me (my hair, the velvet frog, the pillow, etc) was damp with a water + vinegar combo to fight off remaining dust... a part had me in a pet store that had a black baby parrot that was twice my size, and another part involved doing some sort of chasing around a warehouse, with something akin to elaborate carts, in which my "older brother" was killed - only throughout the dream, i knew the dream would lead to him dying, and was convinced the plot came from some movie i had seen or a wonder years episode.
driving away from the playa, i heard a cover of leonard cohen's closing time and it seemed incredibly appropriate.
without any focus on that memory, i put in my leonard cohen cd as soon as i got into my car on Wednesday... only the song that got me closest to crying was so long, marianne, and though i didn't hear it again this morning, its stuck in my head right now.
speaking of songs, a song named alexandra has been one of my favorite russian songs since i was a little kid; its part of the soundtrack for moscow doesn't believe in tears and i'm sure its part of why i like the movie so much, too... yesterday, it clicked that i also really like leonard cohen's alexandra leaving and was pondering how that name has stuck to me - and then, i realized/remembered that my (only) cousin is named alexandra - and having to have 'realized' that made me feel weird.
broken day today, too.
hormones, decompression, needing to process out loud and the walls i was using to hold it all back crumbled.
i'm feeling better now, but leaving work early so i can work on feeling well enough to have a fun evening tonight... i really hate breaking, hate breaking on others even more, and hate breaking on others while at work the most. now that my period should be totally regular, i should really think about ways to both sequester myself away during the rough days and ways to shift life so that minimal emotionally charged stuff happens right before and on the rough days.
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-05 04:34 pm (UTC)If you only expose the in-between stuff, or that + the "happy" stuff, it misleads others into thinking that their lows & rough days aren't "normal."
Sure, the rough days can be awkward and sometimes filled with things that require apologies later.
But, they are authentic. And the more authentic we can be, well... that seems the healthiest choice to me.
Then again, this is just my opinion. Do what you feel is right. And I do mean feel. Not necessarily what you think is right, y'know?
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-05 05:09 pm (UTC)if i happen to be not dealing with a situation that involves other people, i just post the basics, that i'm feeling off, something is wrong, etc, because i don't believe in posting other people's lives by proxy like that; disguising names only goes so far when most people can figure out who is who in my life and know them in person.
the situation today was me not dealing, but also knowing that it will pass, will be resolved, and i just needed to calm down and talk to the right person.
it is a conflict - my journal is for myself, to think more about what i do day to day, to reread in the future. but with it being public i do self-censor, because large chunks of my life are not for public consumption.
at the same time, i don't think its possible to find the ideal balance with how sparsely i journal, and overall, i think i've been giving a decent balance - my life, as of late, has low spikes, but it feels like the plateau is fairly even keeled, with more spikes of stress then depressive moods.
to me, getting down the random thoughts, like the 'alexandra' tangent, is the most authentic part of my journaling - thats the kind of stuff i want to reread in the future - but then again, the non-lj incarnation of my journal was called 'tangential'.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-05 07:18 pm (UTC)