why do i keep making walls?

[elvendoll]

i'm sitting here feeling shitty because bill is going to have a fun weekend going up to moose & julie's.
it doesn't seem fair that he's going to have that much fun while i'm stuck here.
then i try to figure out why i feel stuck. i mean, noone is keeping me in the house. i have a car. i am free to roam.
i think of going to NY, and get bummed out by the thought that i have noone to go with.
i remember how much i used to love going into NY by myself and wandering the streets and the museums for hours.
i get near teary trying to figure out what the current me did with the me that was so much independent, carefree, and well, lets face it - more interesting and fun.
i search deep in and am totally disheartened by not finding even an ounce of desire to go into the city on my own.
all i find is projections of misery through anticipation of cold loneliness.
i've always separated being alone from being lonely. i used to barely be lonely... and somehow that changed.

and i still feel shitty about not liking the thought of bill going up to NH.
he's going to hang out with moose & julie & morph & tessa and i should be happy for him rather then having my head so far up my ass.

*sigh*
i think it wouldn't be so bad if i knew i could come home sunday night.
i just feel like i don't have a choice about being here, and the thought of being here for like a week scares me.
c'est la vie.
shit happens and i'm getting kicked off so the guests can go to sleep...