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Oct. 12th, 2003 02:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollon so many levels, its been a rollercoaster week, a rollercoaster weekend and a rollercoaster day.
most of those are driven by funky brainstuffs, and unfortunately, a note my friend kristine wrote to my head didn't reach the correct destination(s).
the sad has been kicking back up. i've spent most of the week fluctuating between normalness, depression and anxiety. most of the time, its impaired my productivity and vibe, but a couple of times, it got taken out on other people, and i can't put into words just how much i hate that. next week, i'm going to try upping my dosage. if that doesn't work, i'll need to get my ass to a shrink.
i had a rather painful realization over the past couple of days.
my life revolves around my social engagements.
i make short term, medium term and long term plans and latch on to them to get me through the parts of the day that aren't "fun" and that require me to be productive/functioning. and from reactions that i've had this week, and the thought trails from there, i've realized that's just a funky workaround to trick my body into maintaining seratonin levels.
now, for some time, i've resented the fact that my life includes a strong of workarounds that i have to attempt to avoid hitting my issues/soft spots. with this, it feels like my entire life is a goddamn workaround, and it sucks.
its also insult to injury that my life revolves around my social interactions considering how socially awkward/inept i am.
and, i remember being like this since i was 5 or 6. i didn't really get 'clinical depression' till i was 14, but i was getting anxiety attacks at that young of an age and around 7, i started cutting off my emotions. it makes me wonder if my body has just always been fucked up.
i'm not quite sure about what to do with this new realization, but i have time. right now, though, it seems to be butting into the dilemma as to which abnormalities are to be fixed and which are just who i am.
most of those are driven by funky brainstuffs, and unfortunately, a note my friend kristine wrote to my head didn't reach the correct destination(s).
the sad has been kicking back up. i've spent most of the week fluctuating between normalness, depression and anxiety. most of the time, its impaired my productivity and vibe, but a couple of times, it got taken out on other people, and i can't put into words just how much i hate that. next week, i'm going to try upping my dosage. if that doesn't work, i'll need to get my ass to a shrink.
i had a rather painful realization over the past couple of days.
my life revolves around my social engagements.
i make short term, medium term and long term plans and latch on to them to get me through the parts of the day that aren't "fun" and that require me to be productive/functioning. and from reactions that i've had this week, and the thought trails from there, i've realized that's just a funky workaround to trick my body into maintaining seratonin levels.
now, for some time, i've resented the fact that my life includes a strong of workarounds that i have to attempt to avoid hitting my issues/soft spots. with this, it feels like my entire life is a goddamn workaround, and it sucks.
its also insult to injury that my life revolves around my social interactions considering how socially awkward/inept i am.
and, i remember being like this since i was 5 or 6. i didn't really get 'clinical depression' till i was 14, but i was getting anxiety attacks at that young of an age and around 7, i started cutting off my emotions. it makes me wonder if my body has just always been fucked up.
i'm not quite sure about what to do with this new realization, but i have time. right now, though, it seems to be butting into the dilemma as to which abnormalities are to be fixed and which are just who i am.
