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Nov. 4th, 2003 10:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollway to start my morning on the wrong foot: google my father's name, and find out he's working at a posh ny spa. i also checked the white pages search engine, and only half of them list an address for him, which means there's a good chance he's moved from the apartment they have listed - if before, i only got paranoid on blue-moon visits to brooklyn, now i'll be feeling a bit more jumpy anytime i'm in new york. luckily, i love new york too much for that to keep me out of the city.
i'm curious if he'd even recognize me on the street... and if he'd say anything if he did.
i'm guessing the internet has me too used to the voyeur lifestyle.
i don't for a second doubt that not being in touch with my father is the best thing for me... but i still want a window into his life. i want to know where he's living, how he's doing, etc.
a part of me does wonder what would've happened if he'd married someone who was respectful of my existence. i blame him for letting my stepmom poison parts of his perceptions, but i'm curious how things would've been if someone else was in the picture.
and of course, its the goddamn contrast of things. while he was a lousy father on so many levels, it was the contrast of his family to how wonderful, caring and supportive my mother's family is - that because they clearly showed me what love is, i knew that for my father, it was a word that he used for me because it was proper and expected, but not felt... and yet he wouldn't stop treating me like a little girl, rather then a person.
last night was a mellow and lazy one.
i didn't do much of anything - lazed around, watched too much tv, did some googling of school stuff, but not enough.
i've got solid ideas for the oral presentation, and i think it'll go well - but will know better once i meet with the other two people in my group next week.
i'm really doubting the one idea i have for the 10 page paper. i'm not sure he'll let me write about the same thing twice, and i'm not sure i can pull 10 pages out of my ass on that one.
i'm also having doubts that i could write about the master and margarita and make it good enough; its a lot more 'fantasy' then the other books we've covered, which makes it just skirt the themes we've been dealing with. but maybe.
i still think steppenwolf would be a great fit, and still have tons of second thoughts about using the same non-course-material book someone else is.
oh, and i got a b/b+ on my paper. its far from great, but is acceptable - which is really all i'm aiming for in this class.
i'm curious if he'd even recognize me on the street... and if he'd say anything if he did.
i'm guessing the internet has me too used to the voyeur lifestyle.
i don't for a second doubt that not being in touch with my father is the best thing for me... but i still want a window into his life. i want to know where he's living, how he's doing, etc.
a part of me does wonder what would've happened if he'd married someone who was respectful of my existence. i blame him for letting my stepmom poison parts of his perceptions, but i'm curious how things would've been if someone else was in the picture.
and of course, its the goddamn contrast of things. while he was a lousy father on so many levels, it was the contrast of his family to how wonderful, caring and supportive my mother's family is - that because they clearly showed me what love is, i knew that for my father, it was a word that he used for me because it was proper and expected, but not felt... and yet he wouldn't stop treating me like a little girl, rather then a person.
last night was a mellow and lazy one.
i didn't do much of anything - lazed around, watched too much tv, did some googling of school stuff, but not enough.
i've got solid ideas for the oral presentation, and i think it'll go well - but will know better once i meet with the other two people in my group next week.
i'm really doubting the one idea i have for the 10 page paper. i'm not sure he'll let me write about the same thing twice, and i'm not sure i can pull 10 pages out of my ass on that one.
i'm also having doubts that i could write about the master and margarita and make it good enough; its a lot more 'fantasy' then the other books we've covered, which makes it just skirt the themes we've been dealing with. but maybe.
i still think steppenwolf would be a great fit, and still have tons of second thoughts about using the same non-course-material book someone else is.
oh, and i got a b/b+ on my paper. its far from great, but is acceptable - which is really all i'm aiming for in this class.
