(no subject)

[elvendoll]

morning : )

after the festivities of the night before, yesterday was a very mellow day.
sol3 and i woke up around noon, and by the time we made our way out of the bedroom, almost everyone else was awake.
soon after that, gaelen made his famous pancakes and eventually, fidgetmonster made eggs and sausage (thank you!) and a few of us just lazed around the couches.
eventually, kahlua milkshakes sounded like a great idea, so hawver and i ran over to the store for ice cream and gaelen made the yummy things.
after that, the house emptied out, and i ended up spending the remainder of the day on the couch, somewhere between chilling online and watching too much nypd blue. i'm less thrilled about that, and really need to be more careful about both forcing myself to eat dinner and medicating.
but, i did post the NYE pictures, they're here.

its snowing out right now, and i'm actually enjoying watching the flakes fall outside of a window. i'm hoping there's no accumulation, though, because i don't want the snow to interfere with tonight's plans, which i'm really excited about.
after work, i think i need to hit the maul to pick up some more pieces for tonight's outfit, grab dinner at some point, and then head over to sol3's to get ready for a night of clubbing. there'll be people out, i will get plastered and it will be all good, right?

and yeah, alcohol has been my friend lately. almost to my own surprise, i managed to concoct a drink i really liked (peach schnapps, vanilla schnapps, vodka, tonic and cranberry juice), as i've lost a lot of my taste for the taste of alcohol since being over 21 and getting froofy drinks at clubs. i drank just the right amount to get fairly buzzed, but not enough to be sloppy, sick, or regretting it the next morning. similarly, when i got trashed at MR the weekend before last, i only had minor spins when i got home* and was able to get to bed fairly quickly - i'm hoping tonight will be like that. and i've been really liking the taste of beer lately - good thing we have a whole bunch left at the house : )

i'm not sure if i can recap 2003.
in a lot of ways, it was a great year - i went to europe, to burning man, flew west 3 times. i took a total of 4 classes, finished up my major requirements and have a ideas for possible directions for myself. i got a promotion, got a personal loan to reign in my finances and the house seems to be doing well. i've spent good times with family, maintained a presence in abi's life and had an extended period of one on one time with debbie. (as far as i can see) i've maintained a healthy relationship with sol3.
in some ways, it was an underaccomplished year. i didn't force myself out of my shell enough - professionally, academically, personally and socially. i have a long way to go, and a lot of fear left to fight. but i do feel like i made a few baby steps over the past year.
i think/hope this year will be another like the past - gaining over my fears, gathering experiences, knowledge and growth and strengthening by learning to let go.
2005 will be the year that tests all that, and in some ways, i'm already looking forward to it.

i think the biggest issue i'll have to solve is one of giving.
when i choose to give, its something very powerful in me - i have a lot of patience, compassion and caring, kept under lock and key, open to only select individuals; i have to love someone to want to give unconditionally, to want to open those floodgates.
part of the problem is that with people i'm less close to, those gates tend to be closed. i can give when i see cause to intellectually, but emotionally, i'm entirely closed off.
another part of the problem is that i have a lot of fears about giving unintentionally - about someone getting something from my interactions something different then i intend to put forth; taking something i didn't make a choice to give. only that is absurd. first, i need to be able to live freely, to feel that even when someone takes something from an interaction with me that i didn't intend for, they're not taking anything away from me. second, i need to learn that boundaries in giving don't need to be associated with resentment - for me, giving, opening myself up, is very intense, and its hard to control how wide the gates open and so often, i either open to wide on the first try, and feel resentment with the tightening that needs to happen, or i don't open wide enough and end up being unnecessarily cold to someone.

and there's a number of experiences i'm distinctly looking forward to:
-the trip to mexico with my grandparents - i'm looking forward to time with them, to time spent reading and to lazying around on warm sand and warm surf. mmmmmm.
-the next new york trip - there's something about that city that just zaps me with energy.
-mine and sol3's anniversary - i can't believe its been almost two years!
-burning man - it looks like there will be a lot more people i know there this year, which is very very good, and i'm looking forward to seeing people that i'd met last year, as well as the lessons i'm going to learn there.

in theory, there will also be at least one other trip over the mississippi and one more trip to europe *crosses fingers*

* my body doesn't let me get 'too drunk' when i'm out in public... which means i tend to drink more then i should because i'm not feeling all of the effects, and then get home, relax and be hit by a big wave of intoxication, which usually gives me the spins.

(posted later, as our 'net was down)

Comments

[pir.livejournal.com]

i managed to concoct a drink i really liked (peach schnapps, vanilla schnapps, vodka, tonic and cranberry juice)

When I don't want to taste alcohol I generally drink cranberry tarts - couple of cubes of ice, 2 parts cranberry vodka, 2 parts sprite and 3 parts sprite. Take two and you start tarting :)

Sorry to have missed the party, too many things to fit into one evening...

not the giving you meant, I'm sure..

[sweetbaboo.livejournal.com]

but we REALLY enjoyed our gifts.
Thay were just the thing!