(no subject)

[elvendoll]

my mom has always told me i'm a conservative person. not in my worldviews, but in who i am.

i remember when my father moved; in his old apartment, which i visited for all of 2-3 weeks out of a year, the garbage can was next to the stove in the kitchen. in the new apartment, it was in a cabinet, and even a year or two into his stay there, i'd go to the stove, realize the trashcan isn't by there anymore and then go to the cabinets. it took me realizing this pattern to realize that she was right.

my world is organized in very methodical ways. some things in that world are messy (like my room, or my inability to be diligent about attending classes), but the whole thing is in an organized cabinet.
i have a strong sense of morals, that just came out of me as i was growing up, and which resonated strongly with my existentialist readings. my morals make up the core, and life gets layered on top of that, not squeezed in inbetween.

i'm also very in tune to my priorities, and structure my time based on those priorities.
the way in which i get frazzled, stressed and freaked when i have to depend on someone for something that is important to me isn't all about me being a control freak - a lot of it is about the fact that i'm conscious that something that is a high priority for me lies in the hands of someone for whom its less of a priority - and i just don't know how to deal with that feeling in a rational manner.

Comments

[aisling.livejournal.com]

*nod* I understand. My dishes may sit in the sink for a day, but my spices are kept in alphabetical order. There's not always a rhyme or reason for how we prioritize what will be organized and kept controlled, and what's left to disarray, or perhaps serendipity.

And, I know how my stomach lurches sometimes, when I have to trust someone else whose priorities may not match mine, and whose cues may not affirm that everything is being attended to in the ways that I needed them.