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elvendolljust talked to my mom.
had to struggle to keep the tears at bay.
she reminded me that i am 21.
that i should be doing lots of stuff, that i should be excited about life, that i should be expanding my horizons.
she's right.
i told her one step at a time.
she conceded that in my predicament, the steps are hard.
she wants me on prescription meds.
as usual, i object.
she thinks this is more then just SAD, that i shouldn't count on the worst case scenario of it lifting in march.
i don't know what to say...
she tells me i need to travel.
tells me to go look up trips online.
she hit a wall thicker then she thought.
i can't right now.
i won't feel remotely like a human being until i have a job.
and then i will need to wait for vacation time.
she says i should enjoy the time i have now, go out in the daytime, see plays, buy books.
i can't bring myself to do anything other then hit send and recieve on the job-looking account.
i can't consider taking a vacation.
ugh.. my tummy still feels like hell...
i love bill.
but lately i've been wanting to get away.
the relationship has been the only thing keeping me here.
he's one of the best things thats happened to me and i can't drop that... but during moments i still just want to drop everything and run.
without saying it my mom told me i am stagnating.
i think she's right.
i thought i was wrapping myself in a cozy blanket, but by the time i started feeling that its not cozy i was afraid to go without it.
*sigh*
i wish dealing with issues was like cleaning a messy room - find a problem object, find a place to put it away to or throw it out, and then do that with the next.
at this point my life is full of finding problem objects, but upon aproaching them, finding them to heavy to lift.
and then spinning around the room, looking at object after object and feeling all the more powerless with each turn.
and i feel like a loser writing all this.
because i am still here, writing with tears in my eyes.
for all the words i can type out i still can't seem to do anything.
i want to try and make myself a schedule.. set how long i spend doing something in a day.. but i feel like i need to fix my sleeping problems first because it takes me way too long to pull my head out of my ass in the mornings
and its way too damn cold - my fingers are already bumb.
had to struggle to keep the tears at bay.
she reminded me that i am 21.
that i should be doing lots of stuff, that i should be excited about life, that i should be expanding my horizons.
she's right.
i told her one step at a time.
she conceded that in my predicament, the steps are hard.
she wants me on prescription meds.
as usual, i object.
she thinks this is more then just SAD, that i shouldn't count on the worst case scenario of it lifting in march.
i don't know what to say...
she tells me i need to travel.
tells me to go look up trips online.
she hit a wall thicker then she thought.
i can't right now.
i won't feel remotely like a human being until i have a job.
and then i will need to wait for vacation time.
she says i should enjoy the time i have now, go out in the daytime, see plays, buy books.
i can't bring myself to do anything other then hit send and recieve on the job-looking account.
i can't consider taking a vacation.
ugh.. my tummy still feels like hell...
i love bill.
but lately i've been wanting to get away.
the relationship has been the only thing keeping me here.
he's one of the best things thats happened to me and i can't drop that... but during moments i still just want to drop everything and run.
without saying it my mom told me i am stagnating.
i think she's right.
i thought i was wrapping myself in a cozy blanket, but by the time i started feeling that its not cozy i was afraid to go without it.
*sigh*
i wish dealing with issues was like cleaning a messy room - find a problem object, find a place to put it away to or throw it out, and then do that with the next.
at this point my life is full of finding problem objects, but upon aproaching them, finding them to heavy to lift.
and then spinning around the room, looking at object after object and feeling all the more powerless with each turn.
and i feel like a loser writing all this.
because i am still here, writing with tears in my eyes.
for all the words i can type out i still can't seem to do anything.
i want to try and make myself a schedule.. set how long i spend doing something in a day.. but i feel like i need to fix my sleeping problems first because it takes me way too long to pull my head out of my ass in the mornings
and its way too damn cold - my fingers are already bumb.
