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elvendolljust talked to my mom.
had to struggle to keep the tears at bay.
she reminded me that i am 21.
that i should be doing lots of stuff, that i should be excited about life, that i should be expanding my horizons.
she's right.
i told her one step at a time.
she conceded that in my predicament, the steps are hard.
she wants me on prescription meds.
as usual, i object.
she thinks this is more then just SAD, that i shouldn't count on the worst case scenario of it lifting in march.
i don't know what to say...
she tells me i need to travel.
tells me to go look up trips online.
she hit a wall thicker then she thought.
i can't right now.
i won't feel remotely like a human being until i have a job.
and then i will need to wait for vacation time.
she says i should enjoy the time i have now, go out in the daytime, see plays, buy books.
i can't bring myself to do anything other then hit send and recieve on the job-looking account.
i can't consider taking a vacation.
ugh.. my tummy still feels like hell...
i love bill.
but lately i've been wanting to get away.
the relationship has been the only thing keeping me here.
he's one of the best things thats happened to me and i can't drop that... but during moments i still just want to drop everything and run.
without saying it my mom told me i am stagnating.
i think she's right.
i thought i was wrapping myself in a cozy blanket, but by the time i started feeling that its not cozy i was afraid to go without it.
*sigh*
i wish dealing with issues was like cleaning a messy room - find a problem object, find a place to put it away to or throw it out, and then do that with the next.
at this point my life is full of finding problem objects, but upon aproaching them, finding them to heavy to lift.
and then spinning around the room, looking at object after object and feeling all the more powerless with each turn.
and i feel like a loser writing all this.
because i am still here, writing with tears in my eyes.
for all the words i can type out i still can't seem to do anything.
i want to try and make myself a schedule.. set how long i spend doing something in a day.. but i feel like i need to fix my sleeping problems first because it takes me way too long to pull my head out of my ass in the mornings
and its way too damn cold - my fingers are already bumb.
had to struggle to keep the tears at bay.
she reminded me that i am 21.
that i should be doing lots of stuff, that i should be excited about life, that i should be expanding my horizons.
she's right.
i told her one step at a time.
she conceded that in my predicament, the steps are hard.
she wants me on prescription meds.
as usual, i object.
she thinks this is more then just SAD, that i shouldn't count on the worst case scenario of it lifting in march.
i don't know what to say...
she tells me i need to travel.
tells me to go look up trips online.
she hit a wall thicker then she thought.
i can't right now.
i won't feel remotely like a human being until i have a job.
and then i will need to wait for vacation time.
she says i should enjoy the time i have now, go out in the daytime, see plays, buy books.
i can't bring myself to do anything other then hit send and recieve on the job-looking account.
i can't consider taking a vacation.
ugh.. my tummy still feels like hell...
i love bill.
but lately i've been wanting to get away.
the relationship has been the only thing keeping me here.
he's one of the best things thats happened to me and i can't drop that... but during moments i still just want to drop everything and run.
without saying it my mom told me i am stagnating.
i think she's right.
i thought i was wrapping myself in a cozy blanket, but by the time i started feeling that its not cozy i was afraid to go without it.
*sigh*
i wish dealing with issues was like cleaning a messy room - find a problem object, find a place to put it away to or throw it out, and then do that with the next.
at this point my life is full of finding problem objects, but upon aproaching them, finding them to heavy to lift.
and then spinning around the room, looking at object after object and feeling all the more powerless with each turn.
and i feel like a loser writing all this.
because i am still here, writing with tears in my eyes.
for all the words i can type out i still can't seem to do anything.
i want to try and make myself a schedule.. set how long i spend doing something in a day.. but i feel like i need to fix my sleeping problems first because it takes me way too long to pull my head out of my ass in the mornings
and its way too damn cold - my fingers are already bumb.
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no subject
Date: 2000-11-13 11:16 am (UTC)Stagnating
Date: 2000-11-13 03:25 pm (UTC)I was depressed after graduating from college. My 4 years at UMass/Amherst had been the happiest I'd had since I was 10 years old. It was very hard for me to leave.
I was looking for a job. It was *cough cough* 1992 and there weren't many jobs for college grads with English degrees. I finally ended up doing temp work, second shift in Aetna's mail room for $6.50/hr. I worked with a group of college grads, other Liberal Arts majors. I took a couple of other jobs, some temp and some not for the next two years. I was pretty much lonely and depressed the whole time.
Then I decided to do something I'd always wanted to do and applied for the apprentice program at King Richard's Faire. I got in. It was just what I'd needed. I made new friends, found a boyfriend, and gained some self esteem. I still didn't have the perfect job yet, or any semblance of a career. But I was happy.
There's alot more to the story, more ups and downs and another depressed period, but I won't bore you anymore.
Let's see if I can find the point in all this. I don't know if I suffer from clinical depression, but I have had a my share depressed times in my life. Each time, I've stagnated. Then finally, I'll have a little ephiphany and dive head first into something. I've immersed myself in King Richard's Faire, moved to Connecticut, joned a local theatre group, and moved to Boston.
I guess I'm trying to tell you to find something to keep you busy and get you out of the house, or make a major change. I think you're working on it by taking time off from school and looking for a job. I'm not trying to tell you to move far away or leave all your friends. I'm also not trying to make you feel hopeless about finding a job by telling you my job search problems. The job market is VERY different right now. You will find a job.
Ok. In a nutshell, I guess my advice is to get busy. Find something, anything, that will get you up and out of the house everyday. Go somewhere else to do your job search. Don't do it from home. That's your safe place. You have to get out of your safe place. Trust me, I've been there.
Come visit Paul and I sometime to get out of the house. We'd love to have you visit.
It'll get better. Don't worry. *hugs*