getting antsy...
Nov. 22nd, 2000 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollthat always happens once i've been here for a couple of days. also the reason i'm not staying here for thanksgiving.
maybe if it was bigger of an affair i'd give it more thought, but its just my grandparents and my great-aunt, and i can barely stomach talking to my great-aunt on the phone, let alone seeing her. sometimes i feel guilty for not being able to forgive her, but she really fucked with my life during the 5 (or was it more?) years she lived with us. on the 'even bad things can sometimes lead to good' side, though, i don't know if my mom would have been as supportive of my needing to get mileage between myself and the rest of the family if it wasn't for her (rather horrible) influence. one day just really sticks out - she'd said r done something else that drove me up 10 walls, and i came into the kitchen, giving an exasperated look to my mom... and my mom just quietly said 'well, at least you're getting out of here in a few months'. in a lot of ways that was just really humbling.
so yeah, not sticking around here for thanksgiving. hell, its tough enough keeping my butt ont he chair now - i have this burst of energy & a wicked desire to just get home... i keep reminding myself that i wasn't allowed to drive today, and for the majority of the day i could barely talk, and that thats why i am still here...
i am kind of scared to go home, though, too... i feel so sore & tender, both physically and emotiionally, and i have this gnawing fear that i'll feel rejected by bill, because while my life was picked up & shaken around over here, his pretty much stayed status-quo, and he's been feeling like he doesn't get enough space to begin with.
when i told him about my fear, though, he said that i have nothing to worry about, and that he will be very uderstanding and gentle. and i have all the reason to trust him... i just can't that little voice to fully shut up, though.
and he was really sweet, today, too. he called (well, after prompting, but still..) and played leonard cohen's 'dance me to the end of time' over the phone for me... made me smile for like a good 10 minutes, straight. : )
other then that not much is new.
took of my bra.. the bandaging looks kinda scary!
my mom reminded me that last time, there was just one piece of tape where the incision was made, and it didn't have to stay on this long, meanwhile, this time, my whole boob is all wrapped up... kinda mkes me all intimidated & scared.
that, and i really need a shower, damnit!
on the family side of news, abi is doing good, although the family is worried because she doesn't seem to keep her (somewhat large) tongue in her mouth, and hasn't picked up the art of moving forward in her baby-walker-thingie - which she's only had for a week.
relations with debiie have been surprisingly calm for the past two visits, and i think (hope) this is the start of a trend. she's not trying to get in my face, and i'm not snapping back at her... who would thunk it?
i am a bit worried about her, though, as my mom said that she's not one of the 'cool kids' at school, and gets bossed around/put on the backburner by a couple of them who she's trying to be friends with. i just hope she doesn't get too hurt by trying to fit in...
argh... boob is feeling more and more gnawing by the minute. its getting all itchy under the wraps, and the scar tingling is getting more and more pronounced.
if it gets bad enough to use painkillers i'll be pissy.
*sigh*
maybe if it was bigger of an affair i'd give it more thought, but its just my grandparents and my great-aunt, and i can barely stomach talking to my great-aunt on the phone, let alone seeing her. sometimes i feel guilty for not being able to forgive her, but she really fucked with my life during the 5 (or was it more?) years she lived with us. on the 'even bad things can sometimes lead to good' side, though, i don't know if my mom would have been as supportive of my needing to get mileage between myself and the rest of the family if it wasn't for her (rather horrible) influence. one day just really sticks out - she'd said r done something else that drove me up 10 walls, and i came into the kitchen, giving an exasperated look to my mom... and my mom just quietly said 'well, at least you're getting out of here in a few months'. in a lot of ways that was just really humbling.
so yeah, not sticking around here for thanksgiving. hell, its tough enough keeping my butt ont he chair now - i have this burst of energy & a wicked desire to just get home... i keep reminding myself that i wasn't allowed to drive today, and for the majority of the day i could barely talk, and that thats why i am still here...
i am kind of scared to go home, though, too... i feel so sore & tender, both physically and emotiionally, and i have this gnawing fear that i'll feel rejected by bill, because while my life was picked up & shaken around over here, his pretty much stayed status-quo, and he's been feeling like he doesn't get enough space to begin with.
when i told him about my fear, though, he said that i have nothing to worry about, and that he will be very uderstanding and gentle. and i have all the reason to trust him... i just can't that little voice to fully shut up, though.
and he was really sweet, today, too. he called (well, after prompting, but still..) and played leonard cohen's 'dance me to the end of time' over the phone for me... made me smile for like a good 10 minutes, straight. : )
other then that not much is new.
took of my bra.. the bandaging looks kinda scary!
my mom reminded me that last time, there was just one piece of tape where the incision was made, and it didn't have to stay on this long, meanwhile, this time, my whole boob is all wrapped up... kinda mkes me all intimidated & scared.
that, and i really need a shower, damnit!
on the family side of news, abi is doing good, although the family is worried because she doesn't seem to keep her (somewhat large) tongue in her mouth, and hasn't picked up the art of moving forward in her baby-walker-thingie - which she's only had for a week.
relations with debiie have been surprisingly calm for the past two visits, and i think (hope) this is the start of a trend. she's not trying to get in my face, and i'm not snapping back at her... who would thunk it?
i am a bit worried about her, though, as my mom said that she's not one of the 'cool kids' at school, and gets bossed around/put on the backburner by a couple of them who she's trying to be friends with. i just hope she doesn't get too hurt by trying to fit in...
argh... boob is feeling more and more gnawing by the minute. its getting all itchy under the wraps, and the scar tingling is getting more and more pronounced.
if it gets bad enough to use painkillers i'll be pissy.
*sigh*
