elvendoll

my moods have been wavering between sour and bitter since sometime Monday afternoon.
i'm not quite sure what's at the root of this, but one of the end results is that i didn't go out last night or the night before.
Monday i just spent with my ass on the couch, and feel pretty yucky about that; last night i had class till 9:30 , watched a bit over an hour of tv when i got home and then read for a while before going to sleep. it wasn't till i was ready to put the book down that i realized that reading ham on rye might not be ideal for getting myself out of a funk.

and, my new resolution is to try to limit my tv watching to one weeknight per week, and since it's unrealistic to expect myself to do homework on nights i have class or yoga, that i need to let myself read for pleasure after the classes without feeling guilty - because watching tv instead of reading because i feel guilty whenever i do non-homework reading is just fucking dumb.

i ended up going to the mall between work and class yesterday and because i had a bad day and the japanese place in the food court stopped serving cucumber rolls, i got myself a smoothie and popped into h&m - i grabbed a pair of pants and two summer tops and got them without trying them on. did that when i got home, and i'm definately returning the pants and maybe the top, too. i'm having a hard time deciding about the top because it's something i could wear to work, and it doesn't look bad, but something about the style just doesn't suit me. but, having a black top that isn't like the 3 or so tank tops i have that look the same to everyone else would probably be good.

my vision is still weird.
i went back to the doc on monday, and he changed my left eye prescription down to 3.25 (from having been 3.5, after 3.0 was really swimmy) and had me wearing both contacts for two days and wearing just the left one today and tomorrow. having just the one contact in feels weird, in that the left eye is sending a higher ratio of the image back to my brain, but everything it sees is still a bit swimmy and makes what i see with both eyes look like the world is vibrating a bit. hopefully my head will adjust soon.
if the headache i have now didn't start when i woke up, i'd blame it on the eye stuff; since it did, i'm going to guess that it's allergy related, because it seems that's the season it really is right now.

i'm not posting as much as i used to these days. i tend to clam up a bit when my relationship status(es) change/shift, and there's been a bit of that over the past couple/few months. on top of that, i am not a huge fan of posting that i'm feeling down because i really don't like passive solicitations for attention/affirmation and don't want me/my posts to be seen as such - but at the same time, i don't like the idea of what i put down being a significantly skewed picture of me.

a couple of weeks ago, i realized i'm finally at a point where i'm ready to see a therapist. before, while i knew i was far from having ideal mental health, i was also crunching away at my issues on my own and the idea of committing another weeknight out of my schedule seemed too drastic. i think i've finally hit a wall high enough i can't climb over it myself, and now need to find a therapist. of course, searching for one is intimidating, which is why i'm posting this here. as a side note, it has felt surprisingly good to hit the wall - it doesn't feel like a limitation, but an affirmation that i really was chunking away at stuff all these years - even if the pace was likely way too slow. oh, and therapist recommendations would be totally appreciated.

at some point, i want to write a post about my interactions with my mother over the last week. i find it absolutely mind boggling how caring/supportive she can be while also being totally horrible to her children. i'm also incredibly confused by the fact that when i was a child, i wanted to be left alone - which my mother is quite "good" at - and now feel like that very same thing is at the root of a few of my issues.

and, i think i've been forgetting to mention it here lately -