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Dec. 7th, 2000 02:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli was planningon sleeping in this morning, but that didn't happen
i woke up once because bill's alarm was going off, nudged him to turn it off & went back to sleep
woke up sometime later to think that its been a while, but bill is still next to me. looked up, it was close to 11...
got him awake - he must've hit off instead off snooze or maybe the alarm incident was part of one of my dreams, because he doesn't remember it.
either way, he'd over slept.
when i woke up, my throat hurt so bad i could barely talk, my nose was all stuffed & my head felt heavy.
made me think that going out last night was a mistake.
bill asked me for a ride to work... i couldn't really say no -he was in a jam, needed to get to work ASAP, and i needed to help him out. any subsecuent sleep was nearly out of the question just from how shitty i felt, anyways.
so now its a few hours later.
i don't feel as bad, but have been having a mild-medium anxiety attack.
i thought lying down to vegg for a bit owuld do me good, but it hasn't done enough.
definately should've just taken some pills, but hindsight is 20/20.
now i am torn, because i have been told i gotta be at my work at 8:30am tomorrow, which means i should be doing a lot of day-only errands today - its kinda my last day to do that for a while... but i just don't feel well, and a part of me thinks taking it easy, drinking lots of tea & stuff will help make sure that i don't feel like this tomorrow morning.
and i feel that the inertia side is winning out.
c'est la vie.
my other dilemma is what to wear tomorrow.
i was told to dress proffessional, but i have 2 nice suit jackets - and a week ago, the cat sat down on one of them (i took it off to check my email & she just raced to it!!) and trekked some dirt on it.
i've been meaning to get it dry cleaned, but hadn't gotten to it, and now its too late.
so i guess i gotta try the club soda approach, but i'm kinda scared to.
i guess worse comes to worst i'll wear the really mediocre jacket i have. : /
oh well.
so yeah, i went out last night.
it was definately an odd night..
barely anyone was there... i had htis vision of coming in & telling everyone my good new, s, but most of the people i wanted to tell just weren't there.
got a mild anxiety attack... tried to deal with it..
after a bit i relaxed a bit, and hung around brian, jodi & jackdaw for a while...
danced a bit, too, and got a great gift idea from spud...
overall not a bad night, but not a good one, either...
friday, hopefully, will be more fun.
blah. its another source of anxiety, too, though...
bill is going to morph's bday party... its being held in manchester. and as usual, i am torn. on the one hand, i wanna stay here & go to the club & just have lots of fun, come home, and pass out in my own bed. on the other hand, i wanna be with bill, and i would like to see some of hte poeple at the party. the problem is is that i know there will be people there that drive me batty, and i know i am no secure enough in my zen to be able to say 'i can tune that out'.. i don't know for sure i wiould fail - but i can't guarantee a 100% success rate. and it would mean crashing in an uncomfortable place.
and it does bother me that bill is going to be going away on a friday as thats usually 'our day'...
so basically at this point, i know which i am oging to do (stay here), i just have mild doubts, and resentment towards bill for the situation.
no good considering we haven't been trouble free lately.
not that we're fighting.. just at that down point when things are a bit strained. its just hard on me because i've been sick & stressed about other stuff, too.
also don't know whats up for the rest of the weekend.
yesterday was my grandfather's birthday, and he's having a small party on saturday.
my family wants me to come as a surprise.. and i want, too.. only there's 2 big cons - i'd have to make the 4 hour trek on saturday, and then the trek backon sunday, which doesn't make for a very relaxing weekend, and that i've been weird sick on & off, and i am scared of passing anything on to abby.
but ont he other hand, my grandfather has been very supportive lately.. if i could at all, i'd squeeze everything i had to get him a computer as a present - he's really been wanting one, but afraid to buy the wrong thing, and my grandmother has been complicating the manner... and i just want to come down and just say - here you go.
but there's just no way right now.
but yeah.. he's been very supportive. it used to be whenever i did anything controversial or that upset my mother, he'd call me up, get my side of the story, be very nice & cool about it, but kind of drop off in communication till the next event... and when he understood why i dropped my classes, i tmeant a lot to me.. and he's been keeping active tabs on me since, and has been helping me out financially - which just humbles me beyond belief. because in my head, its like i dropped my classes, therefore the family should stop helping me - i should be on my own. and then he comes up, gives me a check, and when i try to refuse it, he insists, saying htat now is when i need it most.
its just one of the many things my mom's side of the family has done thats completely wonderful.
and i really want to do somehting nice for his bday, and since i can't really afford much right now (hell, i'd be buying it with the money he gave me!), going down there isone of the only things i can do : /
its all about feeling torn for the next few days, i guess.
i had a thought yesterday at the club...
i keep seeing how some people look like other people.
but, i also have problems distinguishing those people (usually just faces int he crowd) fromt he people i think they look like (usually friends or acquiantances).. and i was thinking that maybe this is not caused by my attention to detail but more the reverse. that because my eye sight is so bad, i only take in things on a level thats much less sensitive then that of others, and thats why i see things that look alike all the time.
i should really go see a dr. and findout how bad my vision has gotten, too...
one of the good things of taking itme off school is that iplan on saving up for eye surgery - so hopefully within a year or so, i will know whatother people see like.. *crosses fingers*
(and yes, i realize that if i wasn't so stubborn i would be wearing glasses like all the sane half-blind people out there)
well, i think its time to boil more water & rejoin the couch for a bit.. i refuse to feel guilty for slacking today : )
i woke up once because bill's alarm was going off, nudged him to turn it off & went back to sleep
woke up sometime later to think that its been a while, but bill is still next to me. looked up, it was close to 11...
got him awake - he must've hit off instead off snooze or maybe the alarm incident was part of one of my dreams, because he doesn't remember it.
either way, he'd over slept.
when i woke up, my throat hurt so bad i could barely talk, my nose was all stuffed & my head felt heavy.
made me think that going out last night was a mistake.
bill asked me for a ride to work... i couldn't really say no -he was in a jam, needed to get to work ASAP, and i needed to help him out. any subsecuent sleep was nearly out of the question just from how shitty i felt, anyways.
so now its a few hours later.
i don't feel as bad, but have been having a mild-medium anxiety attack.
i thought lying down to vegg for a bit owuld do me good, but it hasn't done enough.
definately should've just taken some pills, but hindsight is 20/20.
now i am torn, because i have been told i gotta be at my work at 8:30am tomorrow, which means i should be doing a lot of day-only errands today - its kinda my last day to do that for a while... but i just don't feel well, and a part of me thinks taking it easy, drinking lots of tea & stuff will help make sure that i don't feel like this tomorrow morning.
and i feel that the inertia side is winning out.
c'est la vie.
my other dilemma is what to wear tomorrow.
i was told to dress proffessional, but i have 2 nice suit jackets - and a week ago, the cat sat down on one of them (i took it off to check my email & she just raced to it!!) and trekked some dirt on it.
i've been meaning to get it dry cleaned, but hadn't gotten to it, and now its too late.
so i guess i gotta try the club soda approach, but i'm kinda scared to.
i guess worse comes to worst i'll wear the really mediocre jacket i have. : /
oh well.
so yeah, i went out last night.
it was definately an odd night..
barely anyone was there... i had htis vision of coming in & telling everyone my good new, s, but most of the people i wanted to tell just weren't there.
got a mild anxiety attack... tried to deal with it..
after a bit i relaxed a bit, and hung around brian, jodi & jackdaw for a while...
danced a bit, too, and got a great gift idea from spud...
overall not a bad night, but not a good one, either...
friday, hopefully, will be more fun.
blah. its another source of anxiety, too, though...
bill is going to morph's bday party... its being held in manchester. and as usual, i am torn. on the one hand, i wanna stay here & go to the club & just have lots of fun, come home, and pass out in my own bed. on the other hand, i wanna be with bill, and i would like to see some of hte poeple at the party. the problem is is that i know there will be people there that drive me batty, and i know i am no secure enough in my zen to be able to say 'i can tune that out'.. i don't know for sure i wiould fail - but i can't guarantee a 100% success rate. and it would mean crashing in an uncomfortable place.
and it does bother me that bill is going to be going away on a friday as thats usually 'our day'...
so basically at this point, i know which i am oging to do (stay here), i just have mild doubts, and resentment towards bill for the situation.
no good considering we haven't been trouble free lately.
not that we're fighting.. just at that down point when things are a bit strained. its just hard on me because i've been sick & stressed about other stuff, too.
also don't know whats up for the rest of the weekend.
yesterday was my grandfather's birthday, and he's having a small party on saturday.
my family wants me to come as a surprise.. and i want, too.. only there's 2 big cons - i'd have to make the 4 hour trek on saturday, and then the trek backon sunday, which doesn't make for a very relaxing weekend, and that i've been weird sick on & off, and i am scared of passing anything on to abby.
but ont he other hand, my grandfather has been very supportive lately.. if i could at all, i'd squeeze everything i had to get him a computer as a present - he's really been wanting one, but afraid to buy the wrong thing, and my grandmother has been complicating the manner... and i just want to come down and just say - here you go.
but there's just no way right now.
but yeah.. he's been very supportive. it used to be whenever i did anything controversial or that upset my mother, he'd call me up, get my side of the story, be very nice & cool about it, but kind of drop off in communication till the next event... and when he understood why i dropped my classes, i tmeant a lot to me.. and he's been keeping active tabs on me since, and has been helping me out financially - which just humbles me beyond belief. because in my head, its like i dropped my classes, therefore the family should stop helping me - i should be on my own. and then he comes up, gives me a check, and when i try to refuse it, he insists, saying htat now is when i need it most.
its just one of the many things my mom's side of the family has done thats completely wonderful.
and i really want to do somehting nice for his bday, and since i can't really afford much right now (hell, i'd be buying it with the money he gave me!), going down there isone of the only things i can do : /
its all about feeling torn for the next few days, i guess.
i had a thought yesterday at the club...
i keep seeing how some people look like other people.
but, i also have problems distinguishing those people (usually just faces int he crowd) fromt he people i think they look like (usually friends or acquiantances).. and i was thinking that maybe this is not caused by my attention to detail but more the reverse. that because my eye sight is so bad, i only take in things on a level thats much less sensitive then that of others, and thats why i see things that look alike all the time.
i should really go see a dr. and findout how bad my vision has gotten, too...
one of the good things of taking itme off school is that iplan on saving up for eye surgery - so hopefully within a year or so, i will know whatother people see like.. *crosses fingers*
(and yes, i realize that if i wasn't so stubborn i would be wearing glasses like all the sane half-blind people out there)
well, i think its time to boil more water & rejoin the couch for a bit.. i refuse to feel guilty for slacking today : )
