burning man thoughts

[elvendoll]

Someone else's burning man post triggered thoughts, and I think it'll both be good to get them out of my head, and to have them easily reference-able for next year.
So many things went wrong for me, that it's hard to know which thing contributed how much, and the biggest of them all was getting sick, which was just shitty luck. The thing that's kicking off these thoughts the most is the realization that I possibly did more work in 2004, and didn't feel as bogged down by it.
First on the list is the shopping run. I spent hours working and reworking the shopping list, while in 2004, adania and I managed to put it together in a couple of hours. I was so angst-ridden over it, and a couple of other communication issues, that I almost didn't go at the last minute.
And truth be told, what made it all such a pain is that I was trying to accomadate everyone instead of being strict/harsh and dictating how I needed other things to be. And it's my problem - I'm very aware that I'm a very harsh person, and often don't voice things at all when I'm aware I can't present them nicely enough.

sol3 called the shopping run a success, and I disagree. Several items weren't bought, and because I wasn't along for the supermarket and TJ's runs, I wasn't even aware of it. It was my responsibility to be aware, and it's a good thing guilt can't be measured in actual weights.

Next up, dealing with the food. I felt responsible for it. I wasn't responsible for it, and the lines of ownership of the task(s) and helping got so blurred I felt both helpless and resentful - emotions that totally feed into each other, and were even more present when I was too sick to be really helpful. The probable solutions are both easy and not, and they're on the org end of things.

And the third thing is the loudest in my head right now - I love busting ass and seeing something come together. Busting ass and not having it be enough is totally draining to me. It's camp, and I feel a level of responsibility for everything that doesn't work right - especially if they're things I could've possibly done anything about. And there was so much of that this year, that between the sick and massive amounts of guilt (which, sadly, tends to cycle with angst), being at camp wasn't conducive to enjoying myself, and between the work and the sick, I barely left camp all week.

My task for the next few months is self-evident - figure out how to work with my bitchyness enough so that it doesn't leave me mute about things I feel strongly about.
I'm not sure if the level of responsibily I feel for things at camp is actually a bad thing to have, and will have a lot of food for thought (no pun intended!) when it comes to a camping decision for next year.

Edit: ftr, I'm open to equally abrasive comments

Comments

[maighread.livejournal.com]

I disagree.

I'm not quite sure exactly what I disagree with so bear with me while I wander my way there...

NO ONE went hungry. (or thirsty). or got food poisoning. We had some kick-ass food. And plenty of snacks & variety & such. It was all managed while dealing with refrigerators that weren't working, campers who meant well but didn't know what they were doing, campers who didn't care, and campers who cared & worked their asses off. I think every system that could go wonky, did go wonky - and that never makes for running smoothly.

Even with you feeling like crap, stuff you were responsible for still managed to work.

Yeah, some things were missing, or not quite as planned. But again, no one went hungry, & I think everyone was pretty happy with the food? I can't think of any meal that failed.

I think that the failures that happened, may only have been prevented if there was a second shopping guru. You mention that you did the shopping lists with someone else before. Is it possible that this is just a two person job?

(Also, crazy woman, you had so much going on in your own life leading up to the playa. I honestly am not sure I could have handled everything that you dealt with.)

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

I think you just made me realize something really big.

I don't think Foodlab failed anyone eating with us - and that doesn't even register on my radar. All I can see is how it went in comparison to 2004 - and my impression from 2004 was a general "we need things to work better if we're going to do this again", and unfortunately, some things slipped backwards, and a lot of the things that were supposed to make things better didn't come together to do that. When I think of this year, I don't think of the people that ate with us, I think of the core group of foodlabbers, and how I personally fell short, and how the experience fell short for us.

[maighread.livejournal.com]

That makes a lot of sense!

(I'd have to say that some of the people eating there failed Foodlab!)

[dilletante.livejournal.com]

the first rule of foodlab is...

[maighread.livejournal.com]

Suddenly I feel like making soap....

[dilletante.livejournal.com]

soap camp! good clean fun.

[maighread.livejournal.com]

OooOoo, I'd need a Bubble Costume...

[klingonlandlady.livejournal.com]

So, it sounds like you managed to succeed in your mission, anyway, in that you fed everyone and no meals flopped. The rest sounds like stress and being hard on yourself?
(hugs)

[moominmolly.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear it wound up feeling like this for you, though it's good to hear that at least *externally*, to those who fed on Foodlab, it turned out well.

Two questions: First, is/was there a Foodlab czar, who is at the end of the day responsible for organization and making things hang together &c? And second, would it be possible to identify the people who Just Didn't Do Shit and cut them out of the main workings of Foodlab, or was that not the kind of problem you ran into? (I'm not talking about being lackluster on an unimportant commitment, I'm talking about people who entirely fail to show up to clean up after their assigned meal, or don't bring the items they said they were going to bring, or whatever.)

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

The Foodlab czar got sucked into a world of work-hell about two weeks after taking on the responsibility, and no one person picked up.
I honestly think that was the biggest issue. veek and mindlace did a lot to prod things along, but without anyone from 2004 taking the lead and noone having the time to fully dedicate themselves to it, organization took a huge hit.
And, one of the side effects was that the expectations of what it takes to camp - and eat, really - with foodlab weren't communicated clearly enough to be able to draw clear lines of People Who Didn't Do Shit.
After this year, I think my mental division is actually of "people who are part of the team" vs. "people who are okay watching (or walking away!) while others bust their asses"

I think, in similar vein to what I said to maighread, I see success on a different scale. While it's great that no one went hungry or thirsty, a mark of success would be a camp ready to do it all again (with modifications and improvements, of course!) next year - and that's not where we're at.

[piratedan.livejournal.com]

It seemed to me that you were super-damned busy and that you got stuff done. I remember three significant problems, none of which could have, so far as I can tell, been fixed just by having one person do more work or do that work better:

• The evaporation pool had engineering problem. (Not "people aren't working on it" problems.)
  
• The water, later on, came in those small containers which, as I understand, was all that was available despite making reservations before Burning Man.
  
• Many non-Foodlabians (Foodlabradors?) consumed without contributing. There is only so much haranguing folks into helping that one can do, and it only works so much. (as a non-Foodlabrador I made sure to help cook in three different meals so as to avoid being a "taker")
  

If if makes you feel any better, and I think it should, the meal I was in charge of had everything it needed and it was all pretty much exactly as requested/expected. I had, literally, zero complaints about the supplies I needed/requested/received.

Well, except that you didn't bring me any of those hookers that I requested. Sheesh!

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

Were the water bottles really a problem?

And, I forgot to get you boullion cubes, too ; )

[piratedan.livejournal.com]

Were the water bottles really a problem?

Just in terms of garbage created.

And, I forgot to get you boullion cubes, too ; )

Which was such a non-issue it took me a minute to figure out what you were even talking about. :-P

[sol3.livejournal.com]

As one of the people who dealt with the majority of the trash, believe me when I tell you that the water bottles were trivial to deal with : )