clean slate?
Jan. 6th, 2001 02:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli can't help feeling guilty for how i feel right now.
it feels like i have the house all to myself. matty's been away all week, bill is gone to nashua for the rest of the weekend and max is still i bed. and i feel like i should be loving this, but i'm not.
i think there are definately times i want to be alone, to be left by myself and just have me time. but today just isn't one of those days. i've been sick for over a week, and now that i am feeling better i want life. i want people around me, i want stuff going on... hell, i want sex! but... bill had been taking care of me for the week+ i was sick, and he wants his me time. so he's off getting it while i feel rather stranded here.
of course it doens't help anything that we were supposed to go to the movies togheter last night and didn't. he wanted to see dracula2000, and it was only playing at 10:30 at theatres around here, and i zonked out right before we had to leave. so we never really got our friday night together thing.
instead, i ended up sleeping for 14 hours. i woke up once, around 1 am, only to totally flip out. it was freezing in our room, and i didn't want to get up from under the blankets at first. so i meowed a few times, thinking he'd hear me and come in. after like the fourth meow, the cat came into the room to meow back at me. not exactly who i was trying to summon. so i got up & got dressed... to comeout of the room & realize bill isn't home. if i was coherent and together and stuff, it prolly wouldn't have been abig deal. but i was super groggy & unhappy at the coldness of the house (our heater has this thing where it randomly stops working, and the boys need to go downstairs and do something to it to makeit work again). max told me it wasn't working, and that he doesn't know where bill is in the most non-chalant manner. that helped... i was almost totally flipping out, trying not to cry. after a few mins, max went downstairs to fix the heater, and told me he heard bill at our downstairs' neighbors when he came back up. over all, it was all of like 15 minutes of panic, but boy wasit damaging. i was upset to the point that my tummy got all kinds of icky & hurting & nauseous. that took a few minutes to come down once i got bill back home. and after it did, i just went back to bed.
bill didn't come to bed until much later, i think it was around 3 or 4 am, but i do now we snuggled fo most of the night, for the first time since i got back from NJ, so its been a while.
and now i have today.
its still kind of refreshing to have a day when i don't have to do anything. i probably should go food shopping, do some laundry & clean up the room, but nothing will go horribly wrong if i don't.. and i have plans for later on tonight, but that seems like so far away from now, and its fun stuff anyways : ) but thats such a change from being at school and having the constant weight of homework, or doing the job serach, and have that constant stress... so its all good : ) i just wish i didn't see today as this big gap in life.
its funny, i even have a harder time getting myself to do chores when i am home alone... its like the presence of others is really integrated into my status quo of being, that the absence of others is like something is missing.
and it makes me wonder why i am like this. if i think about it, before moving out of my parents' house, there weren't really guys in my life. zak was a long distance thing, and he was my first "boyfriend", then there were the couple of months when i hung out with dave on a semi-regular basis, but that was just a couple of months, really... but then once i moved to boston, first S was living with me (bleagh!), then chris and i spent like at least 5 days out of the week together after the frist couple of weeks of dating, usually even more then that. and then bill & i did just about the same thing. so even when chris & i or bill & i weren't technically living together, we pretty much were anyways. and i don't know where that comes from.
i've also been thinking about me & bill... we've been together for a while now, and we're at an odd stage where i can almost not notice the little parts of his personality that drive me batty, but we're alos quite diestant from each other right now, too. like we barely ever talk... and usually hang out like once or twice a week, even though we coexist in the same apartment together. its really odd. before i started working, the tendency to do that really bothered me, but now i am too tired/busy to be concerned with it, too - its more like a peripheral worry. it just kind of gets to me once in a while that we're not as affectionate as we used to be. i guess the part that i find really odd is that we're more distanced now then we've been since we got together, and that i am ok with it... we still love each other, and care lots, we just interact a bit less and thats weird for me. being the intense one and all. then again, i am pretty sure that its just a phase, and that it being winter & really too cold for me to stick my nose outdoors too much has something to do with it. i am just so not a winter person.
ugh. i thinm our heater is broken again and max is still asleep. and its just freezing here! *grumble*
and of course to top it off, my space heater has been broken for over a week now, so there's no way for me to get heat until max gets up.
other then that, work has been ok... they seemed to be ok with how many days i had to take off whilei was sick (yay!) and even sent me home early yesterday (my cough has been rather bad : / ). one of the things i've found perplexing is that one kid who started there before me has taken to asking me for help when he gets a problem he can't fix. its rather odd, but most of the time, i can deal. yesterday, though, he was trying to get a feature that he for some reason doesn't know how to deal with yet... even though when we sat in on a training session, it was explained clearly enough for me to get it.. and i've gotten my fair share of calls/emails on it since. and after i explained it to him, he didn't seem to get it & gave me attitude! then, like an hour later, he puts the manual up to my face, with directions on hwo to do the same thing (and what i told him!) and says 'but it can't be this easy, right?' *shudder* so after i told him yes, he brings me to his computer, where he is trying it, not doing something right & is he is giving me attitude that its not working right! this is shit i have to take from the customers, not other techs! not to mention that i'm stillt he newbie, and there's other people there he could be asking questions. *shakes head*
and i thinkt hats just about my life in a nutshell right now...
don't think its a very good thing, but...
it feels like i have the house all to myself. matty's been away all week, bill is gone to nashua for the rest of the weekend and max is still i bed. and i feel like i should be loving this, but i'm not.
i think there are definately times i want to be alone, to be left by myself and just have me time. but today just isn't one of those days. i've been sick for over a week, and now that i am feeling better i want life. i want people around me, i want stuff going on... hell, i want sex! but... bill had been taking care of me for the week+ i was sick, and he wants his me time. so he's off getting it while i feel rather stranded here.
of course it doens't help anything that we were supposed to go to the movies togheter last night and didn't. he wanted to see dracula2000, and it was only playing at 10:30 at theatres around here, and i zonked out right before we had to leave. so we never really got our friday night together thing.
instead, i ended up sleeping for 14 hours. i woke up once, around 1 am, only to totally flip out. it was freezing in our room, and i didn't want to get up from under the blankets at first. so i meowed a few times, thinking he'd hear me and come in. after like the fourth meow, the cat came into the room to meow back at me. not exactly who i was trying to summon. so i got up & got dressed... to comeout of the room & realize bill isn't home. if i was coherent and together and stuff, it prolly wouldn't have been abig deal. but i was super groggy & unhappy at the coldness of the house (our heater has this thing where it randomly stops working, and the boys need to go downstairs and do something to it to makeit work again). max told me it wasn't working, and that he doesn't know where bill is in the most non-chalant manner. that helped... i was almost totally flipping out, trying not to cry. after a few mins, max went downstairs to fix the heater, and told me he heard bill at our downstairs' neighbors when he came back up. over all, it was all of like 15 minutes of panic, but boy wasit damaging. i was upset to the point that my tummy got all kinds of icky & hurting & nauseous. that took a few minutes to come down once i got bill back home. and after it did, i just went back to bed.
bill didn't come to bed until much later, i think it was around 3 or 4 am, but i do now we snuggled fo most of the night, for the first time since i got back from NJ, so its been a while.
and now i have today.
its still kind of refreshing to have a day when i don't have to do anything. i probably should go food shopping, do some laundry & clean up the room, but nothing will go horribly wrong if i don't.. and i have plans for later on tonight, but that seems like so far away from now, and its fun stuff anyways : ) but thats such a change from being at school and having the constant weight of homework, or doing the job serach, and have that constant stress... so its all good : ) i just wish i didn't see today as this big gap in life.
its funny, i even have a harder time getting myself to do chores when i am home alone... its like the presence of others is really integrated into my status quo of being, that the absence of others is like something is missing.
and it makes me wonder why i am like this. if i think about it, before moving out of my parents' house, there weren't really guys in my life. zak was a long distance thing, and he was my first "boyfriend", then there were the couple of months when i hung out with dave on a semi-regular basis, but that was just a couple of months, really... but then once i moved to boston, first S was living with me (bleagh!), then chris and i spent like at least 5 days out of the week together after the frist couple of weeks of dating, usually even more then that. and then bill & i did just about the same thing. so even when chris & i or bill & i weren't technically living together, we pretty much were anyways. and i don't know where that comes from.
i've also been thinking about me & bill... we've been together for a while now, and we're at an odd stage where i can almost not notice the little parts of his personality that drive me batty, but we're alos quite diestant from each other right now, too. like we barely ever talk... and usually hang out like once or twice a week, even though we coexist in the same apartment together. its really odd. before i started working, the tendency to do that really bothered me, but now i am too tired/busy to be concerned with it, too - its more like a peripheral worry. it just kind of gets to me once in a while that we're not as affectionate as we used to be. i guess the part that i find really odd is that we're more distanced now then we've been since we got together, and that i am ok with it... we still love each other, and care lots, we just interact a bit less and thats weird for me. being the intense one and all. then again, i am pretty sure that its just a phase, and that it being winter & really too cold for me to stick my nose outdoors too much has something to do with it. i am just so not a winter person.
ugh. i thinm our heater is broken again and max is still asleep. and its just freezing here! *grumble*
and of course to top it off, my space heater has been broken for over a week now, so there's no way for me to get heat until max gets up.
other then that, work has been ok... they seemed to be ok with how many days i had to take off whilei was sick (yay!) and even sent me home early yesterday (my cough has been rather bad : / ). one of the things i've found perplexing is that one kid who started there before me has taken to asking me for help when he gets a problem he can't fix. its rather odd, but most of the time, i can deal. yesterday, though, he was trying to get a feature that he for some reason doesn't know how to deal with yet... even though when we sat in on a training session, it was explained clearly enough for me to get it.. and i've gotten my fair share of calls/emails on it since. and after i explained it to him, he didn't seem to get it & gave me attitude! then, like an hour later, he puts the manual up to my face, with directions on hwo to do the same thing (and what i told him!) and says 'but it can't be this easy, right?' *shudder* so after i told him yes, he brings me to his computer, where he is trying it, not doing something right & is he is giving me attitude that its not working right! this is shit i have to take from the customers, not other techs! not to mention that i'm stillt he newbie, and there's other people there he could be asking questions. *shakes head*
and i thinkt hats just about my life in a nutshell right now...
don't think its a very good thing, but...
