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elvendollgetting up int he mornings has been such a bitch this week. i really hope i snap back next week...
and lemme tell you how glad i will be when this week is over! it just has not been a good one for me in the least bit!
at some point during the night, a part of my dream was bill telling me that he'd like to go out to dinner and a movie with me tonight. projection, on a serious level - thats what i've been wanting all week, and getting denied. only it took me until like 15 mins ago to realiaze that it was, in fact, just a dream, and that the chances of me getting this tonight are still zil to none. this makes me incredibly disapointed.
*sigh*
one thing i've been thinking about lately is boxes. i think a part of it coming from the amount of time i've spent playing bejeweled. but i've been thinking about how people build boxes for themselves and don't even realize they're there... like having a certain point of view, boxing yourself in, and not fully comrehending the other options. or deciding on a solution to a problem and generalizing to the point of not seeing the solutions' faults and then offering that as advice to everyone around them. i've become almost hypersensitive to that lately... how often people's advice is actually projection rather then a product of serious evaluation of the problem of the person they're giving advice to.
not really pleasant, humanistic thoughts, let me tell you...
also realizied on the car drive to work that the 13th of the month is just a couple of short days away. that is the deadline i had set for myself to get over my issues regarding my father (and also his birthday). for some background, i have not spoken to my father since late august, when he'd let me know that i my cat insurance expired 4 days ago, and that i'd been driving an uninsured (and unregistered, by mass standards) vehicle without knowing it. what there was of our relationship was ont he decline anyways, and in the few months prior, i finally started growing some balls and speaking up about my anger towards him. the man promised to pay my tuition, backed out in the most horrible of manners (1 day before tuition was due, and while i was on vacation in london), and then would give me shit for my grades, my appearance, and that i would not call/visit him enough while he wouldn't call or visit me. so basically having him out of my life is a good thing. its just that when i was younger, i put a lot of stock in relations with that side of the family, and despite my resolution, once in a while i still get this pang of pain that my father isn't the kind of person i hoped he would be. it sucks to know that anytime he's told me loves me or misses me it was complete bullshit...
*sigh*
so i guess i am mostly over it.
and i never did sit down & try to reaosn out my issues, though most if it has come in that time. i just have that little tip still to go though... i just don't like the fact that it doens't look like i've made my own deadline.
c'est la vue though, spending time dwelling on my shortcomings isn't going to get me anywhere closer to anything positive anyways.
on a good note, too, i told bill about my dream thing, and he agreed to do the dinner and a movie thing : )
this makes me happy : )
also getting chinese food for lunch - yumyum!!
heh... its taken me over an hour to write this between the emails & calls...
i think there was more i wanted to say, but now I am too hungry to think properly. bloop.
and lemme tell you how glad i will be when this week is over! it just has not been a good one for me in the least bit!
at some point during the night, a part of my dream was bill telling me that he'd like to go out to dinner and a movie with me tonight. projection, on a serious level - thats what i've been wanting all week, and getting denied. only it took me until like 15 mins ago to realiaze that it was, in fact, just a dream, and that the chances of me getting this tonight are still zil to none. this makes me incredibly disapointed.
*sigh*
one thing i've been thinking about lately is boxes. i think a part of it coming from the amount of time i've spent playing bejeweled. but i've been thinking about how people build boxes for themselves and don't even realize they're there... like having a certain point of view, boxing yourself in, and not fully comrehending the other options. or deciding on a solution to a problem and generalizing to the point of not seeing the solutions' faults and then offering that as advice to everyone around them. i've become almost hypersensitive to that lately... how often people's advice is actually projection rather then a product of serious evaluation of the problem of the person they're giving advice to.
not really pleasant, humanistic thoughts, let me tell you...
also realizied on the car drive to work that the 13th of the month is just a couple of short days away. that is the deadline i had set for myself to get over my issues regarding my father (and also his birthday). for some background, i have not spoken to my father since late august, when he'd let me know that i my cat insurance expired 4 days ago, and that i'd been driving an uninsured (and unregistered, by mass standards) vehicle without knowing it. what there was of our relationship was ont he decline anyways, and in the few months prior, i finally started growing some balls and speaking up about my anger towards him. the man promised to pay my tuition, backed out in the most horrible of manners (1 day before tuition was due, and while i was on vacation in london), and then would give me shit for my grades, my appearance, and that i would not call/visit him enough while he wouldn't call or visit me. so basically having him out of my life is a good thing. its just that when i was younger, i put a lot of stock in relations with that side of the family, and despite my resolution, once in a while i still get this pang of pain that my father isn't the kind of person i hoped he would be. it sucks to know that anytime he's told me loves me or misses me it was complete bullshit...
*sigh*
so i guess i am mostly over it.
and i never did sit down & try to reaosn out my issues, though most if it has come in that time. i just have that little tip still to go though... i just don't like the fact that it doens't look like i've made my own deadline.
c'est la vue though, spending time dwelling on my shortcomings isn't going to get me anywhere closer to anything positive anyways.
on a good note, too, i told bill about my dream thing, and he agreed to do the dinner and a movie thing : )
this makes me happy : )
also getting chinese food for lunch - yumyum!!
heh... its taken me over an hour to write this between the emails & calls...
i think there was more i wanted to say, but now I am too hungry to think properly. bloop.
