this is so hard.
Feb. 7th, 2001 01:04 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli have been in mild anxiety for the past few hours.
i am doing it again.
making the same damn mistakes.
i want to stop, and i still don't know how.
back in October, i thought with time, it will be easier to heal myself, to work through this stuff. a part of me thinks i didn't take enough time. a part of me wishes i could just fucking stop. i just cannot let myself quit now. no way, no how.
I've been avoiding writing about it here. I've been avoiding talking about it. I've been avoiding thinking about it. great! denial as a way of dealing with avoidance issues - how much healthier can i get?! i just also am scared of coming off as a crybaby. i don't mean to whine, i really don't. i mean to stand here and say 'this is how things are right now, and i want to fix them' without being looked down upon. i need to out and open about my issues to prevent myself from going into denial. fucked up, but this is what the case is right now. i want to stand here and say 'i don't know how to fix things' and have that not be taken as whining but as even honesty. and if anybody dares to give me anything resembling an 'i told you so' they will get a kick to the groin.
blah.
now off to spill all this to bill.
tomorrow should be fun.
i am doing it again.
making the same damn mistakes.
i want to stop, and i still don't know how.
back in October, i thought with time, it will be easier to heal myself, to work through this stuff. a part of me thinks i didn't take enough time. a part of me wishes i could just fucking stop. i just cannot let myself quit now. no way, no how.
I've been avoiding writing about it here. I've been avoiding talking about it. I've been avoiding thinking about it. great! denial as a way of dealing with avoidance issues - how much healthier can i get?! i just also am scared of coming off as a crybaby. i don't mean to whine, i really don't. i mean to stand here and say 'this is how things are right now, and i want to fix them' without being looked down upon. i need to out and open about my issues to prevent myself from going into denial. fucked up, but this is what the case is right now. i want to stand here and say 'i don't know how to fix things' and have that not be taken as whining but as even honesty. and if anybody dares to give me anything resembling an 'i told you so' they will get a kick to the groin.
blah.
now off to spill all this to bill.
tomorrow should be fun.
