the usual thought process
Feb. 8th, 2001 12:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli kinda want to write, but i need to get to bed.
*roar*
i slept a lot again.
i almost wonder if this has something to do with the fact that i took ginseng pretty regularly the past two weeks and have not taken any yet this week because i keep forgetting to bring more to work...
speaking of work, today started out as a pretty shitty day, but it actually was ok after a while.. and i started taking care of things i've been tempted to avoid, which is good.
of course, as usual, there's something else causing a big ball of ickyness in my tummy. basically, i registered fo a dummy class so that if i didn't get into the class i wanted, i still had something. i remembered that i should drop it on Monday, but didn't have time to do that from work. then the snow happened, i left work early and forgot all about it. Tuesday i was barely coherent for most of the day and did not remember. Tuesday was the deadline. i remembered at 1am, way too late to do anything about it.
i meant to drop it today, then call the registrar's to see if i can weasel my way into getting the W removed - and totally did not have time to from work. then, i fell asleep shortly after i got home. woke up around 9, tried to drop it then, and the phone system was down already.
i feel like such a loser for this. like the 10+ W's i have on my record are not enough.
*roar*
so then i ask myself - what does it matter? i have no plans to go to grad school, and if so, my grades should still be able to hold me up, right? but its just knowing i fucked up like that. its almost like those W's stand out like F's to me. i chose every single one of them, and they are, each one, a sign of weakness. a sign that i attempted something, saw myself failing, and took the easier, the safer, way out. which is not to say that i regret those decisions. i am comfortable that i took the best option to me. i am not comfortable with the fact that because of who i am, they were the best options. does that make sense?
blah. i am still so groggy!!
i actually wanted to go out to the club tonight, but body decided to shut down. c'est la vie. ..we've had so many people over int he past week+, i'm just happy the house is just down to its basic residents again. its funny, i've been working on being more tolerant of others' presence, but i'm still territorial to the core. the latest somewhat-active annoyance is a neighbor... she has a tendency of just coming down to hang out. and i have that pet peeve about people coming over uninvited... its just aggravating because i see life as choices. i choose to have roomates and thus share some of my space with other individuals. because of that choice, there's also the implicit choice of dealing with people they choose to invite over. and i can choose to invite people over. but when people take that choice away from me, it just really rubs me the wrong way. and to a large extent that's my problem, and on more then one level. for one, i am the one who is territorial. if i am the only one getting upset over this, that's usually a sign of me being oversensitive, right? but also, i know a lot of that is pseudo-projection. i was raised to be really polite. i have problems saying no to people. i act like a bitch a lot of the time so that people don't think they have a chance of bending me over backwards. and i have gotten better about holding my ground when asked. but i still have problems telling people they have overstepped my bounds. i can tell them no if they happen to ask if they can do it first, but once its done i usually just stew in my own anger and don't do anything about it. and resent the person for both their action and my inability to let them know they fucked up. kinda along the lines of resenting bill for asking for favors a lot - i feel like i can't say no, and thus am pressured, while he doesn't pressure at all. but that has been worked out for the most part.
speaking of bill, aside fromt he unemployment issue, things are going well. he's been very good at trying to be there for me, and i am trying really hard to chill out and not be a problem anymore. really makes me wish some job thing will happen so we'd be all good again. its funny... sometimes i just take long periods of time just staring at him. staring and trying to figure out what it is about him that i find so adorable... and what about him makes him perservere through my issues... i think love is so damn miraculous - i mean, to me, the odds of two people first liking each other, and then being able to function together are just amazing. and yet its so often taken for granted.
on the drive to work, i was thinking about my high school graduation day. its such a blur to me now. some of that is because of time, but i think a lot of it is because i was so different then.
i remember i spent a lot of the night before finishing my independent study paper. i was at my stepdad's sister's house, housesitting while they were on vacation. woke up in time to get to school by 9 to hand the damn thing in - at about the same time the senior breakfast was getting out. i remember being somewhat amused that these people voluntarily got up an hour earlier to see each other again. i remember being somewhat bitter that there was nothing there to motivate me like that.
next was the rehearsal. a blur. i still wasn't sure i was graduating.
i think we got to go home at noon, to have lunch and change. our cap'n'gowns were white, and we were told to wear light clothing under them. i didn't have light clothing, and wouldn't give two shits about wearing anything special for it anyways - my family was forcing me to go to the function pretty much against my will (side note - this was also my 18th birthday). i had plans to go to NYC after graduation, so i wore a black miniskirt and a black tank top. i think i forewent the fishnets and the boots to avoid hassle from my mom.
next parts are blurry. i don't remember if my (then) friend elissa showed up before or after i left to go back to school, but i know i drove there alone. lining up in the halls, eugene (a kid i was in 5th grade with, who reappeared at my high school my senior year) made a comment that i might as well have not worn anything at all. i think he was one of the 4 people to acknowledge my existence out of the class of nearly 200.
i knew i must be graduating when they let me onto the field. i was graduating by strings thinner then hair, but kept in mind the principal's words that anyone not graduating would not be allowed onto the field. i didn't let go entirely, but i was feeling a little more confident.
as we stood there, the bleachers filled up, and it started. 2 or 3 hours of blurry hell. in the sun. in the plastic cap'n'gown. i don't know if it was the heat, the displeasure i felt from being there, or the at least 3 caffeine pills i'd already taken by that point in time that affected me, but i was bitchy beyond belief when the whole thing was done with.
i got congratulated by the family, and asked to come home before taking off for the evening. for some reason,t his royally pissed me off. i ended up caving enough to continue the argument at the house - it lasted all of 15 mins before i took off angry and without elissa (who was supposed to go with me)
in NY, i met up with this kid i'd met online earlier, and in person once before (his page is gone, so i don't have anything to link). i do not remember eating anything, just walking through washington square park and him buying me one of those glow-neclaces i try around my waist once n a while (it fit) and the going to dante's because i was super tired & needed caffiene (i had a severe caffiene addiction at this point in my life). i had 3 mexican coffees ( double espresso with a shot of tequila) and was still dead tired. some sort of sanity that i had then and i think have lost by now told me i should head home. i remember being barely awake for the drive.
the next day there would be a party for me at my mom's house, which i did not want, and for which i was late. my mom was a saint as usual; did not give me any shit for either being late or the temper tantrum i pulled the day before. the day after that, i would go back into work, and start on kicking my caffeine habit.
but damnit, it all seems so blurry, so distanced... like it was some sort of movie i was half asleep during.
is it supposed to be life that?
once in a while, i get snippits of feeling... allow myself to let go and remember what life felt like that - and within seconds i recoil and put the walls back up. it seems like such a deranged and scary place now. despite the fact that in some ways, i was a lot healthier (mentally) then.
funny how i've fought so many issues since then. some keep coming back up - and some ave been replaced by much more damaging ones : / makes me wonder if i am moving forward in life or not.
so why those graduation thoughts?
well, partially a song, and artially the thought that int he next coming months, all those people i had graduated with then... all those people i've gone to school with in the multitude of schools i've been to in the past 11 years, are getting ready for their next graduation. and i am not. graduating from college seems like such a distant, fuzzy thought right now. and i don't thinkt hats right : /
so yeah, not the most pleasant of thoughts for me tonight. actually considering taking some st. john's wort so i can have an easier time falling asleep. fun.
*roar*
i slept a lot again.
i almost wonder if this has something to do with the fact that i took ginseng pretty regularly the past two weeks and have not taken any yet this week because i keep forgetting to bring more to work...
speaking of work, today started out as a pretty shitty day, but it actually was ok after a while.. and i started taking care of things i've been tempted to avoid, which is good.
of course, as usual, there's something else causing a big ball of ickyness in my tummy. basically, i registered fo a dummy class so that if i didn't get into the class i wanted, i still had something. i remembered that i should drop it on Monday, but didn't have time to do that from work. then the snow happened, i left work early and forgot all about it. Tuesday i was barely coherent for most of the day and did not remember. Tuesday was the deadline. i remembered at 1am, way too late to do anything about it.
i meant to drop it today, then call the registrar's to see if i can weasel my way into getting the W removed - and totally did not have time to from work. then, i fell asleep shortly after i got home. woke up around 9, tried to drop it then, and the phone system was down already.
i feel like such a loser for this. like the 10+ W's i have on my record are not enough.
*roar*
so then i ask myself - what does it matter? i have no plans to go to grad school, and if so, my grades should still be able to hold me up, right? but its just knowing i fucked up like that. its almost like those W's stand out like F's to me. i chose every single one of them, and they are, each one, a sign of weakness. a sign that i attempted something, saw myself failing, and took the easier, the safer, way out. which is not to say that i regret those decisions. i am comfortable that i took the best option to me. i am not comfortable with the fact that because of who i am, they were the best options. does that make sense?
blah. i am still so groggy!!
i actually wanted to go out to the club tonight, but body decided to shut down. c'est la vie. ..we've had so many people over int he past week+, i'm just happy the house is just down to its basic residents again. its funny, i've been working on being more tolerant of others' presence, but i'm still territorial to the core. the latest somewhat-active annoyance is a neighbor... she has a tendency of just coming down to hang out. and i have that pet peeve about people coming over uninvited... its just aggravating because i see life as choices. i choose to have roomates and thus share some of my space with other individuals. because of that choice, there's also the implicit choice of dealing with people they choose to invite over. and i can choose to invite people over. but when people take that choice away from me, it just really rubs me the wrong way. and to a large extent that's my problem, and on more then one level. for one, i am the one who is territorial. if i am the only one getting upset over this, that's usually a sign of me being oversensitive, right? but also, i know a lot of that is pseudo-projection. i was raised to be really polite. i have problems saying no to people. i act like a bitch a lot of the time so that people don't think they have a chance of bending me over backwards. and i have gotten better about holding my ground when asked. but i still have problems telling people they have overstepped my bounds. i can tell them no if they happen to ask if they can do it first, but once its done i usually just stew in my own anger and don't do anything about it. and resent the person for both their action and my inability to let them know they fucked up. kinda along the lines of resenting bill for asking for favors a lot - i feel like i can't say no, and thus am pressured, while he doesn't pressure at all. but that has been worked out for the most part.
speaking of bill, aside fromt he unemployment issue, things are going well. he's been very good at trying to be there for me, and i am trying really hard to chill out and not be a problem anymore. really makes me wish some job thing will happen so we'd be all good again. its funny... sometimes i just take long periods of time just staring at him. staring and trying to figure out what it is about him that i find so adorable... and what about him makes him perservere through my issues... i think love is so damn miraculous - i mean, to me, the odds of two people first liking each other, and then being able to function together are just amazing. and yet its so often taken for granted.
on the drive to work, i was thinking about my high school graduation day. its such a blur to me now. some of that is because of time, but i think a lot of it is because i was so different then.
i remember i spent a lot of the night before finishing my independent study paper. i was at my stepdad's sister's house, housesitting while they were on vacation. woke up in time to get to school by 9 to hand the damn thing in - at about the same time the senior breakfast was getting out. i remember being somewhat amused that these people voluntarily got up an hour earlier to see each other again. i remember being somewhat bitter that there was nothing there to motivate me like that.
next was the rehearsal. a blur. i still wasn't sure i was graduating.
i think we got to go home at noon, to have lunch and change. our cap'n'gowns were white, and we were told to wear light clothing under them. i didn't have light clothing, and wouldn't give two shits about wearing anything special for it anyways - my family was forcing me to go to the function pretty much against my will (side note - this was also my 18th birthday). i had plans to go to NYC after graduation, so i wore a black miniskirt and a black tank top. i think i forewent the fishnets and the boots to avoid hassle from my mom.
next parts are blurry. i don't remember if my (then) friend elissa showed up before or after i left to go back to school, but i know i drove there alone. lining up in the halls, eugene (a kid i was in 5th grade with, who reappeared at my high school my senior year) made a comment that i might as well have not worn anything at all. i think he was one of the 4 people to acknowledge my existence out of the class of nearly 200.
i knew i must be graduating when they let me onto the field. i was graduating by strings thinner then hair, but kept in mind the principal's words that anyone not graduating would not be allowed onto the field. i didn't let go entirely, but i was feeling a little more confident.
as we stood there, the bleachers filled up, and it started. 2 or 3 hours of blurry hell. in the sun. in the plastic cap'n'gown. i don't know if it was the heat, the displeasure i felt from being there, or the at least 3 caffeine pills i'd already taken by that point in time that affected me, but i was bitchy beyond belief when the whole thing was done with.
i got congratulated by the family, and asked to come home before taking off for the evening. for some reason,t his royally pissed me off. i ended up caving enough to continue the argument at the house - it lasted all of 15 mins before i took off angry and without elissa (who was supposed to go with me)
in NY, i met up with this kid i'd met online earlier, and in person once before (his page is gone, so i don't have anything to link). i do not remember eating anything, just walking through washington square park and him buying me one of those glow-neclaces i try around my waist once n a while (it fit) and the going to dante's because i was super tired & needed caffiene (i had a severe caffiene addiction at this point in my life). i had 3 mexican coffees ( double espresso with a shot of tequila) and was still dead tired. some sort of sanity that i had then and i think have lost by now told me i should head home. i remember being barely awake for the drive.
the next day there would be a party for me at my mom's house, which i did not want, and for which i was late. my mom was a saint as usual; did not give me any shit for either being late or the temper tantrum i pulled the day before. the day after that, i would go back into work, and start on kicking my caffeine habit.
but damnit, it all seems so blurry, so distanced... like it was some sort of movie i was half asleep during.
is it supposed to be life that?
once in a while, i get snippits of feeling... allow myself to let go and remember what life felt like that - and within seconds i recoil and put the walls back up. it seems like such a deranged and scary place now. despite the fact that in some ways, i was a lot healthier (mentally) then.
funny how i've fought so many issues since then. some keep coming back up - and some ave been replaced by much more damaging ones : / makes me wonder if i am moving forward in life or not.
so why those graduation thoughts?
well, partially a song, and artially the thought that int he next coming months, all those people i had graduated with then... all those people i've gone to school with in the multitude of schools i've been to in the past 11 years, are getting ready for their next graduation. and i am not. graduating from college seems like such a distant, fuzzy thought right now. and i don't thinkt hats right : /
so yeah, not the most pleasant of thoughts for me tonight. actually considering taking some st. john's wort so i can have an easier time falling asleep. fun.
