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Feb. 19th, 2001 12:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli haven't written in a while, but i don't know if i'm going to be able to get out everything i was wanting to write about now - i'm on my stepdad's laptop, which is at an uncomfortable angle to the bed, and i'm still not very used to the keyboard (the biggest bitch is hitting caps lock in stead of 'a' all the time *grrrr*, and to top it off, i am tired...
so far this vist has been good, but because we were out for most of today without abi, i feel like i haven't had the chance to spend much time with her at all. and i still haven't decided when i am going to come home tomorrow - i am trying to predict the traffic patterns - whether or not there'll be rush hour, if/when tourist jams will be... though i do want to get home, too : )
this morning i woke up pushing back tears, after having a really horrible dream in which i was crying through the entirety of within the dream.
it was a dream that my paternal grandmother was on her last hours of life.
for some background info for those that may not know - my parents got divorced when i was 2, and my paternal family resented my mom for leaving my father; my uncle on my paternal side left russia when i was 2, so i have no memories of him from that; i saw my paternal family every so often, and as my grandfather was also in jail for most of that time, it was mostly my paternal grandmother who paid any attention to me out of that side of the family; when we moved to america, my paternal unlce (and his wife) took an interest in me, but within a couple of years, his verbally berating my stepdad in front of me & being condencending about my mom pretty much lead me to stop communicating with him; my father and i have been out of touch since august now, and it is a fact that mildly disturbs me at times even though cognitively i am sure i am better off without him in my life; the last time i saw my uncle & his family was about september of last year, when my paternal grandfather died - i barely knew him aside from knowing that he's my grandfather, and the death never affected me much, but afterwards, i got a call from my cousin (4 years older, we were never close either) inviting me to have dinner with her family - i already had plans for that evening and declined the invitation never to hear from them again. oh, and my grandmother died when i was 12 or so... it was that odd thing where i had considered my life from russia to be dead, therefore her death (and the death of two great-grandmothers) at that period were very surreal events for me.
so back to the dream...
i get a call from my maternal great-aunt (i have no clue how that worked itself!) that my grandmother is near death. i go to where she is, i remember seeing her, and i know that within the dream i communicated with her... only to find that i was the only family member to actually come to her deathbed. thats when i started crying within the dream - her near-death was very real to me, her coherency was astounding, and her plight (to have my uncle, aunt and cousin come see her) caused great indignation.
i remember there also being envelopes there for my unlce, aunt and cousin, and my cousin having the last name sanderson - which would mean that she's gotten married.
there was also an odd unlce-type person there, who was there to give me support, and was giving my various (obviously fictionary) tidbits about stuff from before i have memories (like fictionary tot he point that people i have met in the boston area were there as friends of the family, with dyed hair & all) - but this person was pretty much a calm and understanding sounding board throughout the dream.
so after spending what seemed like an hour with my grandmother, i somehow go to my uncle's house - only i think it started out as a phone call, but then i was there.
my aunt was the only one who seemed to be there, and crying, i kept trying to get her to come with me to where my grandmother was, explaining to her that my grandmother is surprisingly coherent and really wants to see her before dying.
after what seemed like a half hour of this (while my aunt was refusing) i get a call on my cell phone.. and again, its my great-aunt. she was calling me because my grandmother was seconds before death, but, somehow, amputating her leg would give her more time, and since i was the only member of the family in contact, it was my choice. after a few seconds, i said that if it would be possible to reattach the leg for the funeral, that they should do it. my great aunt then asked me 'well don't you think she deserves to die now?' and i answered that if i could get my aunt over there, it will make her happier then dying sooner. and again, i went to work on convincing my aunt. finally, my aunt went into the kitchen and brought out some homemade cottage cheese. she gave me the container and said 'here - if she's still that coherent, let her smell this and that will make her happy'.
i left their house hysterical. when i got back into the car, the uncle-type person was there.. i was trying to drive back to where my grandmother was through the tears & was faced with two or three near-accident scenarios, all the while going between deciding it may be worthwhile to try and find my cousin (last i heard she lived around hampton, nh), and thinking it'd be useless since she's so far away and obviously hadn't invited me to her wedding, and just babbling incredulence as to 'how can people be like this?' though it all... just repeating those words is a vivid memory of the dream.
by now i don't remember if my grandmother died within the dream, but i think she did... when i woke up i was very very shaken... held my tears long enough to make it upstairs and find my mom, but ended up crying while telling my mom about it...
my mom thought it was mostly because we spoke of my father yesterday, and after me telling her again that i won't call him, offered to call him herself and give him the royal bitching. i turned down that offer, too... i've tried giving him a piece of my mind once already, and it didn't do any good - all her calling him would do is make him feel guilty and call me - which would start the ugly cycle again...
and somehow, since he was not involved in the dream at all, i think it had more to do with my uncle's family, and the slight guilt i feel for turning down the hand they extended without first seeing if maybe their attitude has changed.
or maybe its just something from my grandmother's spirit - she would be incredibly hurt and angry at the situation her family is in.
its funny... i don't know what happens in an afterlife, if there is one at all - i know i don't know, and i don't presume to be able to guess. but for a while now, i've felt like my favorite great-grandmother's spirit is watching over me - she was my maternal grandfather's (and great-aunt's) mother, and lead a very difficult, admirable and brave life all the way into her old age. by the time my memories of her start, she was barely able to move across a room with just the aid of her cane, but she never lost her good spirits, and had incredible wiseness and patience in the way she interacted with me - she was the only person never to try and force me to eat ( i didn't eat much as a kid, which the rest of the family felt should be forcibly corrected), and would spend hours playing cards or dominoes with me... or reading the same book over and over to me (which i loved!). she was also the first of my great grandmothers to die, and combined with having been my favorite one, it hit me the hardest...
but yeah... something about this dream, and the fact that i woke up not remembering how my grandmother communicated with me (it was definately not by speaking) or what it was she was communicating (just that it was very special) leaves me thinking like maybe her spirit was involved in the dream...
weird.
after i calmed down, it was time to get ready to head to NY.
my parents had tickets to see Fosse (a new broadway musical) and at first it was thought i'd just go to the MET while they were at the theater, and then meet them for dinner, but then my mom decided it'd be better to buy me a ticket last minute to i could see it with them. hindsight is always 20/20, as the musical sucked, and a $1 for the MET would have been a better investment then $85 for that ticket. the music in it was mediocre to my ears, the choreography wasn't impressive to either me or my family, the dancers were out of sync and just not impressive. in looking for something to be impressed by, actually, all i could find was the light work - the way the stage lighting was manipulated to create shade and fading effects as well as coloration during a few of the sequences.
aside from that, only one thing really impressed me - one of the sequences was rather blatantly more sexual - the dancers were wearing skimpy bikini's and dancing rather provocatively - and what impressed me that there were 3 couples. one was male & female, but the other two were male & male, and female & female. it was just really nice to see in something as mainstream as a broadway show : )
and after the show was the (yummy) grand-finale - all you can eat sushi! it was just sooooo good! the pieces of fish were very generously sliced and very fresh! i must've had at least 30! : ) we were all so incredibly and pleasantly stuffed it still feels warm & fuzzy in my tummy : )
...and taking the drive through new york definately made me take a trip down memory lane this time - all these little spots conjuring their little memories - like passing by the Central Park Cleaners, who provided me with the safety pins which are still in my ripped up jeans, because when my friend sarah from CA was visiting me during the summer between jurnior & senior years, i wore those jeans held up by a tiny beaded string, which i had gotten while visiting stasia in toronto, to go roller-blading in central park. and of course, within moments, the beadstring snapped & i needed something to hold my pants up. next was the police alcove in central park - clear memory from a day zak was on the east coast, and i was wandering around the park with him & his 2 friends from hackensack - brought back the memories of all the odd vibes between us then (eegh!). then there was just the drive along central park - somehow i've rarely spent time on the east side of it, so all of them, one by one, came back to me. like going to the museum of natural history with friends of my family, and a friend of theirs buying us ice cream before i had to beg for it (that never happened with my parents!), and the first couple of times i was brought to central park when we first moved to america - just remembering how fresh and new everything felt then is very refreshing.
and of course there were memories of driving around NY.. how free i felt then - those moments are definately more rare now... which is probably a pretty sad thing...
but yeah... so it seems like i did write a bit and i am now being kicked out of the room. *sigh*
and to top it off, the modem in my grandfather's new computer is acting super funky (the phoneline goes totally dead as soon as it gets plugged into it - so its disabled to the point not only can it not dial out, but the rest of the house is cut off, too, just from it being plugged in) - but bill says he might have a fix for that problem, which i will have ot wait till tomorrow for, however.
but yeah.. i am getting kicked out of here...
so far this vist has been good, but because we were out for most of today without abi, i feel like i haven't had the chance to spend much time with her at all. and i still haven't decided when i am going to come home tomorrow - i am trying to predict the traffic patterns - whether or not there'll be rush hour, if/when tourist jams will be... though i do want to get home, too : )
this morning i woke up pushing back tears, after having a really horrible dream in which i was crying through the entirety of within the dream.
it was a dream that my paternal grandmother was on her last hours of life.
for some background info for those that may not know - my parents got divorced when i was 2, and my paternal family resented my mom for leaving my father; my uncle on my paternal side left russia when i was 2, so i have no memories of him from that; i saw my paternal family every so often, and as my grandfather was also in jail for most of that time, it was mostly my paternal grandmother who paid any attention to me out of that side of the family; when we moved to america, my paternal unlce (and his wife) took an interest in me, but within a couple of years, his verbally berating my stepdad in front of me & being condencending about my mom pretty much lead me to stop communicating with him; my father and i have been out of touch since august now, and it is a fact that mildly disturbs me at times even though cognitively i am sure i am better off without him in my life; the last time i saw my uncle & his family was about september of last year, when my paternal grandfather died - i barely knew him aside from knowing that he's my grandfather, and the death never affected me much, but afterwards, i got a call from my cousin (4 years older, we were never close either) inviting me to have dinner with her family - i already had plans for that evening and declined the invitation never to hear from them again. oh, and my grandmother died when i was 12 or so... it was that odd thing where i had considered my life from russia to be dead, therefore her death (and the death of two great-grandmothers) at that period were very surreal events for me.
so back to the dream...
i get a call from my maternal great-aunt (i have no clue how that worked itself!) that my grandmother is near death. i go to where she is, i remember seeing her, and i know that within the dream i communicated with her... only to find that i was the only family member to actually come to her deathbed. thats when i started crying within the dream - her near-death was very real to me, her coherency was astounding, and her plight (to have my uncle, aunt and cousin come see her) caused great indignation.
i remember there also being envelopes there for my unlce, aunt and cousin, and my cousin having the last name sanderson - which would mean that she's gotten married.
there was also an odd unlce-type person there, who was there to give me support, and was giving my various (obviously fictionary) tidbits about stuff from before i have memories (like fictionary tot he point that people i have met in the boston area were there as friends of the family, with dyed hair & all) - but this person was pretty much a calm and understanding sounding board throughout the dream.
so after spending what seemed like an hour with my grandmother, i somehow go to my uncle's house - only i think it started out as a phone call, but then i was there.
my aunt was the only one who seemed to be there, and crying, i kept trying to get her to come with me to where my grandmother was, explaining to her that my grandmother is surprisingly coherent and really wants to see her before dying.
after what seemed like a half hour of this (while my aunt was refusing) i get a call on my cell phone.. and again, its my great-aunt. she was calling me because my grandmother was seconds before death, but, somehow, amputating her leg would give her more time, and since i was the only member of the family in contact, it was my choice. after a few seconds, i said that if it would be possible to reattach the leg for the funeral, that they should do it. my great aunt then asked me 'well don't you think she deserves to die now?' and i answered that if i could get my aunt over there, it will make her happier then dying sooner. and again, i went to work on convincing my aunt. finally, my aunt went into the kitchen and brought out some homemade cottage cheese. she gave me the container and said 'here - if she's still that coherent, let her smell this and that will make her happy'.
i left their house hysterical. when i got back into the car, the uncle-type person was there.. i was trying to drive back to where my grandmother was through the tears & was faced with two or three near-accident scenarios, all the while going between deciding it may be worthwhile to try and find my cousin (last i heard she lived around hampton, nh), and thinking it'd be useless since she's so far away and obviously hadn't invited me to her wedding, and just babbling incredulence as to 'how can people be like this?' though it all... just repeating those words is a vivid memory of the dream.
by now i don't remember if my grandmother died within the dream, but i think she did... when i woke up i was very very shaken... held my tears long enough to make it upstairs and find my mom, but ended up crying while telling my mom about it...
my mom thought it was mostly because we spoke of my father yesterday, and after me telling her again that i won't call him, offered to call him herself and give him the royal bitching. i turned down that offer, too... i've tried giving him a piece of my mind once already, and it didn't do any good - all her calling him would do is make him feel guilty and call me - which would start the ugly cycle again...
and somehow, since he was not involved in the dream at all, i think it had more to do with my uncle's family, and the slight guilt i feel for turning down the hand they extended without first seeing if maybe their attitude has changed.
or maybe its just something from my grandmother's spirit - she would be incredibly hurt and angry at the situation her family is in.
its funny... i don't know what happens in an afterlife, if there is one at all - i know i don't know, and i don't presume to be able to guess. but for a while now, i've felt like my favorite great-grandmother's spirit is watching over me - she was my maternal grandfather's (and great-aunt's) mother, and lead a very difficult, admirable and brave life all the way into her old age. by the time my memories of her start, she was barely able to move across a room with just the aid of her cane, but she never lost her good spirits, and had incredible wiseness and patience in the way she interacted with me - she was the only person never to try and force me to eat ( i didn't eat much as a kid, which the rest of the family felt should be forcibly corrected), and would spend hours playing cards or dominoes with me... or reading the same book over and over to me (which i loved!). she was also the first of my great grandmothers to die, and combined with having been my favorite one, it hit me the hardest...
but yeah... something about this dream, and the fact that i woke up not remembering how my grandmother communicated with me (it was definately not by speaking) or what it was she was communicating (just that it was very special) leaves me thinking like maybe her spirit was involved in the dream...
weird.
after i calmed down, it was time to get ready to head to NY.
my parents had tickets to see Fosse (a new broadway musical) and at first it was thought i'd just go to the MET while they were at the theater, and then meet them for dinner, but then my mom decided it'd be better to buy me a ticket last minute to i could see it with them. hindsight is always 20/20, as the musical sucked, and a $1 for the MET would have been a better investment then $85 for that ticket. the music in it was mediocre to my ears, the choreography wasn't impressive to either me or my family, the dancers were out of sync and just not impressive. in looking for something to be impressed by, actually, all i could find was the light work - the way the stage lighting was manipulated to create shade and fading effects as well as coloration during a few of the sequences.
aside from that, only one thing really impressed me - one of the sequences was rather blatantly more sexual - the dancers were wearing skimpy bikini's and dancing rather provocatively - and what impressed me that there were 3 couples. one was male & female, but the other two were male & male, and female & female. it was just really nice to see in something as mainstream as a broadway show : )
and after the show was the (yummy) grand-finale - all you can eat sushi! it was just sooooo good! the pieces of fish were very generously sliced and very fresh! i must've had at least 30! : ) we were all so incredibly and pleasantly stuffed it still feels warm & fuzzy in my tummy : )
...and taking the drive through new york definately made me take a trip down memory lane this time - all these little spots conjuring their little memories - like passing by the Central Park Cleaners, who provided me with the safety pins which are still in my ripped up jeans, because when my friend sarah from CA was visiting me during the summer between jurnior & senior years, i wore those jeans held up by a tiny beaded string, which i had gotten while visiting stasia in toronto, to go roller-blading in central park. and of course, within moments, the beadstring snapped & i needed something to hold my pants up. next was the police alcove in central park - clear memory from a day zak was on the east coast, and i was wandering around the park with him & his 2 friends from hackensack - brought back the memories of all the odd vibes between us then (eegh!). then there was just the drive along central park - somehow i've rarely spent time on the east side of it, so all of them, one by one, came back to me. like going to the museum of natural history with friends of my family, and a friend of theirs buying us ice cream before i had to beg for it (that never happened with my parents!), and the first couple of times i was brought to central park when we first moved to america - just remembering how fresh and new everything felt then is very refreshing.
and of course there were memories of driving around NY.. how free i felt then - those moments are definately more rare now... which is probably a pretty sad thing...
but yeah... so it seems like i did write a bit and i am now being kicked out of the room. *sigh*
and to top it off, the modem in my grandfather's new computer is acting super funky (the phoneline goes totally dead as soon as it gets plugged into it - so its disabled to the point not only can it not dial out, but the rest of the house is cut off, too, just from it being plugged in) - but bill says he might have a fix for that problem, which i will have ot wait till tomorrow for, however.
but yeah.. i am getting kicked out of here...
