so i haven't ben writing much lately...
Mar. 19th, 2001 11:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendolli just haven't been in very good moods.
i'm not content with my life anymore. i don't think i am content with who i am anymore. i have been feeling trapped in the walls i have built for myself, and knowing i am the one who has been in control this entire time and have noone else to blame is hard.
but i'm trying.
not bitching here all the time is a sign, right?
i just know what i'm not happy with.. and some things i don't know how to fix... and other things i am not sure are really broken - like maybe its just me that's broken.
yeah...
haven't been excited about my days much, either. coming home has become a dreaded thing, and the house situation is starting to spill over into the relationship.
its not fair to me.
its not fair to bill.
its not fair to matty.
sometimes i wish i was actually bitch enough to follow through with what i want and not chicken out of the knowledge it might make other people less then happy.
*feels like tearing hair out*
and most of all, i feel like the biggest loser for not being able to just deal.
*sigh*
that was bitching, wasn't it?
does it count that it got me to tears?
*sigh*
but i was going to talk about other stuff... about how my dream last night shocked me. it was a full-on sci-fi movie, all within my head! like with detailed character development and plot twists! and i was a boy in it... who was raised in a lab.. and there were two scientists, one who was more 'normal' in his intentions (using human as lab rat) and the other who was more humanistic... and the latter was portrayed as almost a bad thing because he convinced the 'good' doctor that in order to create balance they would have to create opposing sides.. only he did that to be able to gain control by nurturing the bad side. and then when he was told to quit, he took me (the boy) and hid and placed me with a foster family, and i was oblivious of all this until i somehow flipped out at a sibling & 'malfunctioned' somehow. that put me ont he map for the good guys, and they came & found me, and invoked all these 'lost' memories of the bad doctor, who actually stayed a part of my life.
like the concept of good and bad was very stangely twisted for the dream. and there were a lot more intricacies and a couple of more plot twists, and all of it was just so real.
it was also one of the onl dreams where i woke up, realized i was having this great dream, closed my eyes and was able to get back to it.
usually i can't do that at all, and find that kind of scenrio very frustrating.
blah.
i am beyond sleepy.
its probably not a good thing... but holding out much longer won't do anyone any good, right?
i'm just trying t stay up till bill gets home... so i actually see him and get to feel him hold me.. even if its just for a few minutes.
how pathetic is that?
*sigh*
i'm not content with my life anymore. i don't think i am content with who i am anymore. i have been feeling trapped in the walls i have built for myself, and knowing i am the one who has been in control this entire time and have noone else to blame is hard.
but i'm trying.
not bitching here all the time is a sign, right?
i just know what i'm not happy with.. and some things i don't know how to fix... and other things i am not sure are really broken - like maybe its just me that's broken.
yeah...
haven't been excited about my days much, either. coming home has become a dreaded thing, and the house situation is starting to spill over into the relationship.
its not fair to me.
its not fair to bill.
its not fair to matty.
sometimes i wish i was actually bitch enough to follow through with what i want and not chicken out of the knowledge it might make other people less then happy.
*feels like tearing hair out*
and most of all, i feel like the biggest loser for not being able to just deal.
*sigh*
that was bitching, wasn't it?
does it count that it got me to tears?
*sigh*
but i was going to talk about other stuff... about how my dream last night shocked me. it was a full-on sci-fi movie, all within my head! like with detailed character development and plot twists! and i was a boy in it... who was raised in a lab.. and there were two scientists, one who was more 'normal' in his intentions (using human as lab rat) and the other who was more humanistic... and the latter was portrayed as almost a bad thing because he convinced the 'good' doctor that in order to create balance they would have to create opposing sides.. only he did that to be able to gain control by nurturing the bad side. and then when he was told to quit, he took me (the boy) and hid and placed me with a foster family, and i was oblivious of all this until i somehow flipped out at a sibling & 'malfunctioned' somehow. that put me ont he map for the good guys, and they came & found me, and invoked all these 'lost' memories of the bad doctor, who actually stayed a part of my life.
like the concept of good and bad was very stangely twisted for the dream. and there were a lot more intricacies and a couple of more plot twists, and all of it was just so real.
it was also one of the onl dreams where i woke up, realized i was having this great dream, closed my eyes and was able to get back to it.
usually i can't do that at all, and find that kind of scenrio very frustrating.
blah.
i am beyond sleepy.
its probably not a good thing... but holding out much longer won't do anyone any good, right?
i'm just trying t stay up till bill gets home... so i actually see him and get to feel him hold me.. even if its just for a few minutes.
how pathetic is that?
*sigh*
