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Mar. 29th, 2001 12:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
elvendollso this is probably going to take me forever to write...
i meant to update last night, but i spent more time vegging on the couch then i'd hoped to. but i did a good thing, too - instead of going to the club, i went to bed at 8:30pm. and slept prolly till around 1.
unfortunately, after i'd woken up at 1, falling back asleep just wasn't working. i'd try to fall asleep, start falling asleep & have a half-conscious dream, and then something in the dream would scare/disturb me into awakeness, and there i would be - with open eyes & overactive pulse. no fun.
and the funny thing is, i don't remember what it was that was scaring me - i just remember being scared.
so i think i've made a couple of decisions.
first, i'm going to drop my class. i have not been able to force myself to attend it properly and keep up with the readings. its been an expensive lesson to learn, but i think i just jumped into school too soon, and i was stupid for thinking i could stick to it especially considering the fact that i didn't like my professor from day 1.
i feel like the biggest loser for making the same mistake again, but i think the thing to do now is to move on and try to fix myself more rather then trying to somehow catch up in the class and get at least a half-lousy grade.
and damnit, i also need to follow through with all the things i've been telling myself i would do. i've been pretty good about the gym - i've gone once a week for the past two weeks. unfortunately, i am skipping it this week cuz i'm on the rag, but next week i'm definately going to try twice a week.
and i have to watch less tv - its too damn easy to just get home and space out on the couch, but thats just a lousy way to live. i'd been meaning to do that for a while, but having been in crappier moods last week, and debilitated by my body this week, i've lagged.
and there's other stuff.. but i'm sure i've said it all before...
i guess i've just been feeling very disconnected lately. i've never had very many friends, but it seems like the ones i had, i've really distanced from within the last year. a part of me really wants to know how much of that is my fault/due to my faults, but i know its unreasonable to expect to be able to get those kind of answers.
and i've once again been accused of whining too much in here.
i don't know.
i've looked over some past entries, and maybe its my bias, but i didn't see much out & out whining.
lately, i've wanted change in my life, and i know i've gone off about that a few times, and i've bitched about bill's work hours, but i think thats a bit different from whining.
its odd - on the one hand, this is my journal, where i generally throw random thought sequences about what has been been going on with me and such... but if i don't mean to be whiny, and come off that way, i have more stuff i need to work on. does that make sense?
and i wanted to write more about the weekend..
lessee..
well, my mom rocks.
i came back from NJ with
-2 new frying pans (she didn't like them, and just handed them off)
-my old pair of roller blades (i have yet to try them on to see if they fit, but if they do, this may mean sunday exercise once they start closing mem drive)
-my old glasses.
now its that last one thats most impressive.
i alomst think its a sign of maturity... i'd been wearing glasses from 4 to 14 or 15 - when i decided 10 years was torture enough, and that i hate the hideous things.
i still hate the way these glasses (and glasses in general) look on me. but until i mistakenly wore them into the house monday night, i've worn them while driving.
its weird. everything is fuzzy at first, but everything it quite a bit closer, sharper, and colorful. it made me think that thats the reason people tend to think that the pictures i photoshop are overedited - like i compensate for the last of contrast/brightness in my vision by photoshop, which becomes too much for people that can see normally. and wearing the glasses, i feel my left eye be active. its really weird. bill says it improved my driving by 50% (and that it scared him that he'd spent so long as a passanger to my driving knowing that a lens that does not bring my vision up to 20/20 can start a fire!).
the only thing is, the reason i say wearing them while driving is only almost a sign of maturity is because i wore them in without meaning to on monday.. and for the past two mornings, have forgotten to grab them again. which brings me right back to the pattern i was in as a child - my kindergarden teacher used to tease me that i spent more time sleeping in my glasses then looking through them cuz i'd forget to put them on from waking up until it was almost naptime, then forget to take them off while sleeping, take them off to wash my face after nap, and then forget to put them back on again. yes, this is why my head is attached.
*sigh*
hrmph.. there was other stuff i wanted to talk about, but i don't remember anymore.
maybe later..
i meant to update last night, but i spent more time vegging on the couch then i'd hoped to. but i did a good thing, too - instead of going to the club, i went to bed at 8:30pm. and slept prolly till around 1.
unfortunately, after i'd woken up at 1, falling back asleep just wasn't working. i'd try to fall asleep, start falling asleep & have a half-conscious dream, and then something in the dream would scare/disturb me into awakeness, and there i would be - with open eyes & overactive pulse. no fun.
and the funny thing is, i don't remember what it was that was scaring me - i just remember being scared.
so i think i've made a couple of decisions.
first, i'm going to drop my class. i have not been able to force myself to attend it properly and keep up with the readings. its been an expensive lesson to learn, but i think i just jumped into school too soon, and i was stupid for thinking i could stick to it especially considering the fact that i didn't like my professor from day 1.
i feel like the biggest loser for making the same mistake again, but i think the thing to do now is to move on and try to fix myself more rather then trying to somehow catch up in the class and get at least a half-lousy grade.
and damnit, i also need to follow through with all the things i've been telling myself i would do. i've been pretty good about the gym - i've gone once a week for the past two weeks. unfortunately, i am skipping it this week cuz i'm on the rag, but next week i'm definately going to try twice a week.
and i have to watch less tv - its too damn easy to just get home and space out on the couch, but thats just a lousy way to live. i'd been meaning to do that for a while, but having been in crappier moods last week, and debilitated by my body this week, i've lagged.
and there's other stuff.. but i'm sure i've said it all before...
i guess i've just been feeling very disconnected lately. i've never had very many friends, but it seems like the ones i had, i've really distanced from within the last year. a part of me really wants to know how much of that is my fault/due to my faults, but i know its unreasonable to expect to be able to get those kind of answers.
and i've once again been accused of whining too much in here.
i don't know.
i've looked over some past entries, and maybe its my bias, but i didn't see much out & out whining.
lately, i've wanted change in my life, and i know i've gone off about that a few times, and i've bitched about bill's work hours, but i think thats a bit different from whining.
its odd - on the one hand, this is my journal, where i generally throw random thought sequences about what has been been going on with me and such... but if i don't mean to be whiny, and come off that way, i have more stuff i need to work on. does that make sense?
and i wanted to write more about the weekend..
lessee..
well, my mom rocks.
i came back from NJ with
-2 new frying pans (she didn't like them, and just handed them off)
-my old pair of roller blades (i have yet to try them on to see if they fit, but if they do, this may mean sunday exercise once they start closing mem drive)
-my old glasses.
now its that last one thats most impressive.
i alomst think its a sign of maturity... i'd been wearing glasses from 4 to 14 or 15 - when i decided 10 years was torture enough, and that i hate the hideous things.
i still hate the way these glasses (and glasses in general) look on me. but until i mistakenly wore them into the house monday night, i've worn them while driving.
its weird. everything is fuzzy at first, but everything it quite a bit closer, sharper, and colorful. it made me think that thats the reason people tend to think that the pictures i photoshop are overedited - like i compensate for the last of contrast/brightness in my vision by photoshop, which becomes too much for people that can see normally. and wearing the glasses, i feel my left eye be active. its really weird. bill says it improved my driving by 50% (and that it scared him that he'd spent so long as a passanger to my driving knowing that a lens that does not bring my vision up to 20/20 can start a fire!).
the only thing is, the reason i say wearing them while driving is only almost a sign of maturity is because i wore them in without meaning to on monday.. and for the past two mornings, have forgotten to grab them again. which brings me right back to the pattern i was in as a child - my kindergarden teacher used to tease me that i spent more time sleeping in my glasses then looking through them cuz i'd forget to put them on from waking up until it was almost naptime, then forget to take them off while sleeping, take them off to wash my face after nap, and then forget to put them back on again. yes, this is why my head is attached.
*sigh*
hrmph.. there was other stuff i wanted to talk about, but i don't remember anymore.
maybe later..
get over it
Date: 2001-03-29 04:31 pm (UTC)Re: get over it
Date: 2001-03-29 05:04 pm (UTC)ps. if you're going to claim you're speaking as a representative of everyone i know, leaving a name might be helpful ; )
Re: get over it
Date: 2001-03-30 02:26 pm (UTC)