i'm hungry, thirsty and tired...

[elvendoll]

...but here i am, in front of the computer.

i'm actually waiting for bill to get his 'chill out' time before we hang out.

so how's this:
note to self
and perhaps to others
find out whose black baclpack is in my car

of course it takes someone like me, and a car like my car, that when putting groceries in the back seat, i find a black backpack and have not even the slightest clue as to who it might belong to.

also on my mind:
for the majority of this week, i have been craving to spend some time just hanging out, nekkid, in my bed under my blankies.
i spent 20 minutes doing that today.
i just kept getting sidetracked - which i guess is kinda healthy - but thinking back, i didn't do much of anything this past week.
today i ended up plucking my eyebrows (my tweezers have gone missing, and angelica had leant me hers - so it was a now or never type of deal).. yesterday i cut my nails and went out for a bit. the days before i don't even remember.
*sigh*
hopefully i'll succeed in taking Sunday as a yulia-day, as bill & i are going to spend tomorrow together.. yeah...

so my stomach is starting to growl.
and i know what my problem is - every once in a while, i go through these stages where i don't like the taste of anything anymore. i keep trying to think of stuff i could eat, and nothing sounds appetizing. it just plain sucks.
so now i guess i have to go rumbling through the fridge to see what i can just stuff down my throat...
and then cuddle with my boy : )

Comments

YOU``

[(Anonymous)]

Do you realize you are a miserable person and are pathetic.........you so called journal is rediculous. You piss and moan about this dude who has nothing to offer you but you sit and wait and wait and wait........girl you are going to be old and grey by the time you wake up......
Do you realize the only time you were happy was when you are home......ding dong someone is knocking.....but I am sure that you are in such lull that you cannot her that...
Pity!

Re: YOU``

[princesslorelei.livejournal.com]

people with attitudes like yours, anonymous, are a good advertisement for birth control...... it's her journal, if you don't like what she has to say, than don't read it.... who the hell gives you the right to sit there and judge a person's entire character by readinbg things that they want to get off their chest? suggestion: go be a miserable, judgemental prick elsewhere.

Re: YOU``

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

>Do you realize you are a miserable person and are pathetic.

Well, i have been less then happy lately... but you know, everyone goes through ups and downs in their lives... and this journal is part of what i use to try and get better - to focus thoughts, get things out of my head... and somehow i don't think that can be labeled as pathetic.

>you so called journal is rediculous.

Thats your opinion right there and you are quite entitled to it - i leave my journal up here for you to read. I just kind of wish your criticism was more constructive criticism so it would give me actual food for thought...

>You piss and moan about this dude who has nothing to offer you but you sit and wait and
>wait and wait...

If you're talking about bill, i think you're dead wrong. because, yes, i am unhappy with his current work schedule and the fact that it doesn't leave much time for us to be together, but thats temporary, and bill is a very wonderful person who i have a lot to learn from and we both love each other very much. and even his schedule is probably a blessing in disquise, too, as its allowing for a good way for me to deal with the dependency issues that i have - and the fact that i sit here and type for 15 minutes at the end of my day while i am 'waiting' for him doesn't reflect the fact that i've just had a full day during which i was living my life.
If all you have to base your opinion of our relationship on is my journal, you may want to take what you read with a grain of salt - i would never fathom to say that what goes in here is my whole life, or that the pieces that get in here are not very selective based on when i am choosing to write and my mood during that time. And if your opinion is based on us IRL, then i am curious to know who you are, and what has lead you to form this opinion - in all honesty, comments like your leave more more curious then upset or angry...

>Do you realize the only time you were happy was when you are home...
If you mean home as in here, thats just a sign that you have no real basis for that comment - there is a lot going on in terms of house stuff that i have been trying to avoid talking about in my journal, and the house situation needs to be changed quite a bit before i can be really happy here. If by home you mean my parents house in NJ, you are just shortsighted. because as much as i love getting to see my family and spend time with my sister, the mere thought of having to live there sends chills down my spine, and even when visiting for more then 3 days, i start going batty & needing to come back here...
However, i think your comment had some depth left out if it - if you meant a little more then either of the two i've talked about, i'd appreciate it if you let me know... not to mention the fact that i'm kinda curious as where the aggression expressed in your comment came from - i think its kinda pathetic to have just someone's online journal evoke that much anger in a person...

Re: YOU``

[(Anonymous)]

Actually not personal at all
Just I was "browsing" so your pic
Thoucht you looked like a nice pretty
chick and so then to read everything
on what you had was upserd.
Yeah NJ was what I was talking about
Granted I don't know you nor
your situation and you being open minded about
the whole judgemtnal thing is write.
I do appologize for offending
I did not mean that implication
But the fact is yeah you are in a rut
However is it necessary.
Why put your self in these positons
Putting yourself last,
I am just reading between the lines
Contructive critics are best

Re: YOU``

[(Anonymous)]

PS I also cannot spell for shit as you can see

Re: YOU``

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

out of curiousity, how far back did you read?

...and reading your comment makes me want to take the time to try and read back a lot of what i'd written to try and figure out how it might sound to someone who doesn't know me at all... because bottom line is that me looking like 'a nice pretty chick' is only outward appearance. and i may be going through a rut, but this rut is all a part of a self-improvement project i feel like i've been on for the past 5-6 years. its just that sometimes it feels like that for every two steps i step forward, i take one step in a diagnally backwards direction. but trust me, i am much better off now then i was two years ago, when i was struggling within a rather destructive relationship, or 3-4 years ago when i was dealing with clinical depression for 4-5 years.

i think it was your statement that i ought to put myself first that floored me the most... all my life, i have been a very odd combinaton of a very spoiled brat with some odd existential ideas about taking responsibility for actions or sequences of events, and deep-sunk and odd etiquette habits... which came down to me either going all out for others, or taking all in & kinda lacking the grey area and strength to redefine how things should be.
i think at least partially due to the way american society portrays independence, when i first started to fix the above imbalance of ideas, i started leaning more towards the 'no one is going to take advantage of me *stomp*' side, which went along with my spoiled tendencies. over time, i have come to realize and be shown ways in which my thought proccesses were not exactly condusive to inter-personal reltations, and i've een struggling to find new thresholds and balances. and i guess the whole bottom line of the above spiel is that to me, i have to struggle not to 'put myself first' to the extent of it hurting or taking advantage of others around me, therefore me putting others first (and trust me, these others deserve it!) is something that is notable to my day-to-day life, and therefore more likely to end up here then all the wonderful things people in my life (and bill specifically) do(es) for me - which i am realizing now, can create a misleading appearance to someone who just knows me through my journal.

and the way i see it - the downturn i am in right is not necesarily necessary, but definately not optional - because the it is caused by things that are inside me that i am trying to weed out or fix - and once i do that, i will be that much more of a healthier person then when i started out.

and as for the NJ thing.. yeah, i love visiting my parents house, because i love my family, and my baby sister... and because its a big break from my life here, as my family (partially due to the negative aspects of my personality) nearly walk on eggshells around me and take care of me while i am there. but my life is definately here, in a city where i try to do my best to take care of myself and live my own life, rather then in the suburbs of NJ where i have practically no friends and would feel trapped by the lack of things going on around me (NY is great, but the drives there can get pretty long & expensive).

Re: YOU``

[(Anonymous)]

good luck in your journey
No one is going to respect you in the
end but yourself. Unfotunatly putting yourself
first may hurt others however you will never receive the full respect from people with out doing that.

Re: YOU``

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

>good luck in your journey

thank you : )

>No one is going to respect you in the end but yourself.

i don't know how true that may be. i know my own self-respect will often be worth more then that of others, but i am hoping to find a nice healthy balance.

>Unfotunatly putting yourself first may hurt others however you will never receive the full respect from people with out doing that.

i think that is a great misconception.

Re: YOU``

[ftmother.livejournal.com]

By the way whose black back pack was in your car??
Another question
I am getting familiar with this site
How is it you meet people?

Re: YOU``

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

heh.. took a look into the backpack, and it turned out its one of my roomates'... he must've dropped it in there one of the time i gave him a ride/lent him my car. for some reason when i saw it there, i had it stuck in my head that it was put in the backseat by someone sitting in the backseat - which has not happened in a while... once i realize whose it was, i also saw how boxed in my perception was.
i was tired. thats my excuse : )

and as far as meeting people... well, i think everyone on my friends list are i know IRL. but some of them i have gotten to know better through livejournal, and there's a few people whose journals i read who i have not met in real life - and those are friends of friends...
from what i've seen though, new LJ'ers look around for people with similar interests/situations, and start interacting with people through leaving comments...

Re: YOU``

[bugmanhai.livejournal.com]

so yulia who is this dude that you are wasting your time with, anyway? I think you should keep "wasting your time" with him, he seems pretty kewl (coarse I am biased), being that he is me:)

[darkroomman.livejournal.com]

Seems to me "Anonymous" is the pathetic one who needs to get a life.
If Yulia's journal or her life irritates you so damn much....DON'T READ IT.

Who are you..

[(Anonymous)]

To judge someones life or choices? Why don't you stop trying to tear her down and let her live her life and write whatever she pleases. Yulia's journal is just that hers, you can read it and disagree with her lifestyle choices but it doesn't give you the right to tell her what to say or not say.

Re: Who are you..

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

Hrmmm...

Well, I think that me putting my journal online leaves me open to be judged. And leaving comments enabled leaves me open to have those judgements expressed. And overall, i think this is a good thing, because for every scathing comment i've had, there has been plenty of useful comments that have helped me direct my thoughts in a closer-to-right direction... I just really wish the people with the negative comments would give more details, as i know i am far from perfect and need to make a lot of changes in my life, and its pretty hard to get most friends to give me honest and blunt criticism - because to me, this isn't about what i have the right to say in my journal, or what they have the right to say in their comments, but actually just about the things being said. If that makes any sense...

Anonymous

[maxievenus.livejournal.com]

I would like to add that it's very cowardly to hide behind anonymity when you have such scathing things to say.

Yulia is the brave one here. She lays out her feelings for everyone to read and comment on. I'm not even that brave. That's why I don't have many LJ entries.

If you are not willing to be judged yourself, then you do not have the right to judge her.