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elvendollso wow.. a lot of food for thought since last entry.
i really need to spend some time thinking about how the things i put in here can be interpreted by people that don't know me... because when i write, i assume everyone would take my words with a grain of salt because 'noone can say everything about anything, therefore all description is subjective' and because there are 3 sides to every story - what my perceptions are are valid and true mostly just for me - even if i may be very close to center.
also, sometimes i think i tend to write as a know-it-all - because there are some good (i'm trying to stay away fromt he word 'right') ways of dealing with/handling things in my opinion - and its hard keeping in mind that not everyone shares this opinion. even harder to know that sometimes my own actions fall short.
its funny.. trying to think on the (american?) attitude of only your own perceptions of yourself mattering and the 'do whats best for you' philosophy... i just think thats so incredibly wrong. because most of us do not live in a bubble, because so often perceptions can be skewed, and because other people around you do matter.
but trying to be honest with oneself is hard, too...
personally, i tend to fear change.
so, so often, i make up rationalizations for keeping some things status-quo - and even if my rationalizations are right & true, it does not address the root of the problem. that inside of me is this ball of fear.
i think the most recent is bill thinking about to moving. i know it will not happen for a while, if it does, and i know its nothing personal - he just wants some place thats more his own... but there's such the ball of fear - what if we don't have time to spend together, what if it becomes a pain to see each other, that sort of thing... and then i have to stop myself and remind myself that while chris lived in malden we were ok. and that while bill lived in nashua, the drives sucked, but i got used to them. and yeah, living together and in the location that we are is something i love and am hoping he will change his mind about - but this is certainly not something to panick over...
yeah...
but on to other stuff...
the weekend seemed to fly by and leave me more tired then i was before.
friday night bill & i ended up staying in, as we were not in the best of moods and tired.. which wasn't so bad...
saturday we had plans to go up to NH for a party.. i was kinda hoping to get there early & spend time just kicking about, just out of the desire to do something, but that ended up not happening at all. we got up late and took too long to pull our heads out of our asses...
the party itself was pretty ok...
*raar*
i was going to write about all this stuff, but i don't think i can anymore, cuz chatting to bill i've been hit with the fact that our bills situation is much worse then what i was under the impression of, and we all happen to be broke now due to another situation, and its put me in a piss poor mood.
*sigh* we definately need to figure out another system of paying the bills.
i just don't know how we're going to get through this. usually i'm the person that floats the situation, but after last week, i could barely float myself.
and its not just that.
its the fact that people are not being responsible. when i know i don't have much cash, i don't put the heat up higher. i don't use the gas dryer when the electic one is much cheaper. i don't make long long distance calls. but when they do, and when that causes the bills to skyrocket, i'm the one with the ulcer ache.
*sigh*
this is bound to be a fun day!
*trying all that zen stuff*
i really need to spend some time thinking about how the things i put in here can be interpreted by people that don't know me... because when i write, i assume everyone would take my words with a grain of salt because 'noone can say everything about anything, therefore all description is subjective' and because there are 3 sides to every story - what my perceptions are are valid and true mostly just for me - even if i may be very close to center.
also, sometimes i think i tend to write as a know-it-all - because there are some good (i'm trying to stay away fromt he word 'right') ways of dealing with/handling things in my opinion - and its hard keeping in mind that not everyone shares this opinion. even harder to know that sometimes my own actions fall short.
its funny.. trying to think on the (american?) attitude of only your own perceptions of yourself mattering and the 'do whats best for you' philosophy... i just think thats so incredibly wrong. because most of us do not live in a bubble, because so often perceptions can be skewed, and because other people around you do matter.
but trying to be honest with oneself is hard, too...
personally, i tend to fear change.
so, so often, i make up rationalizations for keeping some things status-quo - and even if my rationalizations are right & true, it does not address the root of the problem. that inside of me is this ball of fear.
i think the most recent is bill thinking about to moving. i know it will not happen for a while, if it does, and i know its nothing personal - he just wants some place thats more his own... but there's such the ball of fear - what if we don't have time to spend together, what if it becomes a pain to see each other, that sort of thing... and then i have to stop myself and remind myself that while chris lived in malden we were ok. and that while bill lived in nashua, the drives sucked, but i got used to them. and yeah, living together and in the location that we are is something i love and am hoping he will change his mind about - but this is certainly not something to panick over...
yeah...
but on to other stuff...
the weekend seemed to fly by and leave me more tired then i was before.
friday night bill & i ended up staying in, as we were not in the best of moods and tired.. which wasn't so bad...
saturday we had plans to go up to NH for a party.. i was kinda hoping to get there early & spend time just kicking about, just out of the desire to do something, but that ended up not happening at all. we got up late and took too long to pull our heads out of our asses...
the party itself was pretty ok...
*raar*
i was going to write about all this stuff, but i don't think i can anymore, cuz chatting to bill i've been hit with the fact that our bills situation is much worse then what i was under the impression of, and we all happen to be broke now due to another situation, and its put me in a piss poor mood.
*sigh* we definately need to figure out another system of paying the bills.
i just don't know how we're going to get through this. usually i'm the person that floats the situation, but after last week, i could barely float myself.
and its not just that.
its the fact that people are not being responsible. when i know i don't have much cash, i don't put the heat up higher. i don't use the gas dryer when the electic one is much cheaper. i don't make long long distance calls. but when they do, and when that causes the bills to skyrocket, i'm the one with the ulcer ache.
*sigh*
this is bound to be a fun day!
*trying all that zen stuff*
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no subject
Date: 2001-04-02 11:52 am (UTC)hun, you get the ulcerache because you're the one who likes to worry about stuff.
not that i can say much about that because i do the same thing. but you're the one choosing to stress so much about it. you're the one choosing to have the ulcerache. the situations do suck...and people respond in different ways. i'm like you and stress about things, even if i shouldn't.
but i know that i am the one doing that to myself.
no subject
Date: 2001-04-02 08:54 pm (UTC)i think one of the reasons i got a full ulcerache this time is because i knew there wasn't enough in my bank account to float the sitution. usually, if a bill gets forgotten about, but i can cover it, i just pay it off quick & then nag people for $$ without nearly that much stress... kinda like last week's emergency - for which i knew i could cover...
*Sorry*
Date: 2001-04-02 03:39 pm (UTC)I hope that you and Bill work things out.
I can't help but notice that you are in the NS area. I don't know if this is off limits or not but so am I. You are very open minded and I think I need alot more of that.
Thanks for helping me see.
Re: *Sorry*
Date: 2001-04-02 06:18 pm (UTC)looks like my roomate forgot to send off a couple of checks he'd made out, and then forgot that he forgot and spent the money. which leaves us in a rather large hole as far as money goes...
things with Bill are going just fine : )
thank you though : )
Re: *Sorry*
Date: 2001-04-02 07:08 pm (UTC)Glad to hear it's not with Bill
That gave me a nice laugh yet again
To read into things don't just read!
I think I am too tired
Talk tomorrow?