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elvendollwhat a nice first weekend at home ((in almost two months)) : )
Friday night was a bit of a coaster - i went to the store right after work. at first, i was just going to get stuff to make dinner (mushroom alfredo) but the veggie-frozen section caught my eye, and i ended up dropping nearly $50 on vegetarian TV dinners. i figure i have been moody lately, and when i am moody, the idea of actually chewing and swallowing food isn't a very pleasant one & the diea of cooking is just out of the question, and having frozen quick-to-make food can prolly keep me eating on those days, and maybe even help me be able to break through the moodyness enough to cook int he future.
when i got home, speaking of getting moody, i did. i just kinda vegged in front of the tube for way too long - didn't even start on dinner till like 8:30. it actually came out quite yummy, though i couldn't enjoy it that day.
funny - if i had been making dinner for me, i would've just dropped the idea. but because this was something i arranged with adam, i actually got off my butt & did it.
after dinner, i decided to stick with my plan of vegging at home, and with some hesitation, watched most of chasing amy. it was a bit hard, but actually better then i expected (my reaction to it, not the movie). seeing it in my current situation gave me some food for thought, also.
just as the movie was ending, the doorbell rang, and it was s. and j. it was a bit of a surprise, but definately a good one : )
and that was written yesterday, and then i got distracted, and its prolly 24 hrs later
S & j & i went for a walk, and had a good time just being outside & talking and stuff... the temperature was a really nice cool, and there were lots of people about in the streets... and even though most of them were drunk and annoying sounding, it still made me feel really happy to be out & about with nightlife around me. thats gotta be one of the things i miss most about NY.
we got back to the house just when people were coming back to the club, and ended up chilling till about 4am. it was odd for me - i wasn't even sleepy, and no alcohol was involved : )
saturday i slept in till about noon and had a semi-productive day. i actually did a whole bunch - 2 loads of laundry, straightening up my room enough for the dresser to go in, putting away all clothes and even hanging up stuff that needed to be hung up (i had like a month's worth of hang-up stuff laying in a pile). i picked up around the house and in the computer room some, but not enough. i just feel like i should have cleaned more.
but its okay - giving myself more anxiety is just not a good thing...
saturday night adam had some friends over, and i ended up having a pretty good time - more so then i expected i think.
had my cathartic moment of the month too...
back in the day, when i lost my virginity, the me and him saw the sunrise. and i told him about how i hate to see sunrises, because it means the night is over. and he told me that when i get older, i will like seeing sunrises.
and saturday night, sor the first time ever, i saw the sun rising and i was happy about it.
it doesn't sound like much here, but in an odd way, he meant a lot to me, and this experience was almost like reconnecting with him...
makes me wonder where he is now, too.... i could see him being settled down.. mebbe even with a kid.. i had a hotmail addy for him, that he'd set up the day before we met.. and he asked me to email him for his birthday (it was sometime late august/early september) and i sent him an e-card of a sunrise. i never heard back & assumed that he simply either forgot about it or forgot the username.password combo, and he was traveling then, and this is before internet cafe's, too.. but a part would love to find out for sure.
so yeah, that was saturday night...
sunday was bad.
not like actively bad, but very passively bad. it took me till 10pm to feel human again. i can't remember ever taking that long to recover, and i don't like that.
and when i did finally come ot my senses, it was just about time to go to bed again, too!
and today i don't een want to get into. i started off feeling very lethargic, and things just went downhill from there. *sigh*
i am trying really hard to look forward to this week, and failing at the moment : /
its funny, too... there has been so many things i've wanted to write about... only something doesn't feel right. to the point of debating making private entries. i just don;t know how i feel about that. i have kept an online journal for 2 years now. i am comfortable sharing with the world. just not people i know. or at least not acquaintances. i have developed this fear of being judged based on snippits of me. and yeah, i am sure a nice part of it is me judging myself, and another part is insecurity. but no matter how stupid, immature or anal that may seem, its real.
kinda like my SAD. its here. i can feel it. i am fighting it in my own way right now. i know all the different things i could do. i think i should do most of them. but actually getting to the point is so hard. its intimidating. it invokes me goddamned fear of failure. how the fuck am i going to get past that??
*sigh*
oh... i also went to clean outt he saab today.
much less of hassle then i was afraid of - i was under the impression there was a lot more stuff int here then there was.
i glad to ditch one of those big pictureframes that store lots of pictures. i don't have doubles of any of them. pictures from russia (the only pic of me & my parakeet), picture of me & stasia when we were 5, pictures from junior high & high school. i blame my mother. i left it at her house when i moved out, and at some point a couple of years ago, she told me to take it to boston. i told her i didn't want to, and that i didn't have space for it, but she insisted, and i wasn't in a mood to argue. it has lived in the trunk of my car ever since. the glass broke a couple of months into it being there, and since then its gotten smashed multiple times, the frame is in 3 pieces, and the pictures were not in a state of surviving being removed from the car. *sigh*
aside from that, i was able to keep mostly unemotional about it. i hadn't started liking the car until after the whole near-accident thing a few months ago (can't fnd the journal entry to link it), so it was a bit easier...
when i got home i was totally drained... luckily (for me) spud & melinda invited me to go out for nachos with them, and that helped me perk up again. i just still wish i could've gotten a margarita - being slightly buzzed would be good for me : )
its funny, too, how i drink so much less here then at my parent's house. there, every dinner has wine or beer... if friends are over, tea comes with liquers... and lunch comes with a beer. i miss that so much... not because of the buzz (i don't usually get buzzed there - my mom makes fun of me if i do : ) ) but because i enjoy having casual drinks. its something i was raised around, so its something i feel the absense of.
and i think i've rambled for long enough now...
Friday night was a bit of a coaster - i went to the store right after work. at first, i was just going to get stuff to make dinner (mushroom alfredo) but the veggie-frozen section caught my eye, and i ended up dropping nearly $50 on vegetarian TV dinners. i figure i have been moody lately, and when i am moody, the idea of actually chewing and swallowing food isn't a very pleasant one & the diea of cooking is just out of the question, and having frozen quick-to-make food can prolly keep me eating on those days, and maybe even help me be able to break through the moodyness enough to cook int he future.
when i got home, speaking of getting moody, i did. i just kinda vegged in front of the tube for way too long - didn't even start on dinner till like 8:30. it actually came out quite yummy, though i couldn't enjoy it that day.
funny - if i had been making dinner for me, i would've just dropped the idea. but because this was something i arranged with adam, i actually got off my butt & did it.
after dinner, i decided to stick with my plan of vegging at home, and with some hesitation, watched most of chasing amy. it was a bit hard, but actually better then i expected (my reaction to it, not the movie). seeing it in my current situation gave me some food for thought, also.
just as the movie was ending, the doorbell rang, and it was s. and j. it was a bit of a surprise, but definately a good one : )
and that was written yesterday, and then i got distracted, and its prolly 24 hrs later
S & j & i went for a walk, and had a good time just being outside & talking and stuff... the temperature was a really nice cool, and there were lots of people about in the streets... and even though most of them were drunk and annoying sounding, it still made me feel really happy to be out & about with nightlife around me. thats gotta be one of the things i miss most about NY.
we got back to the house just when people were coming back to the club, and ended up chilling till about 4am. it was odd for me - i wasn't even sleepy, and no alcohol was involved : )
saturday i slept in till about noon and had a semi-productive day. i actually did a whole bunch - 2 loads of laundry, straightening up my room enough for the dresser to go in, putting away all clothes and even hanging up stuff that needed to be hung up (i had like a month's worth of hang-up stuff laying in a pile). i picked up around the house and in the computer room some, but not enough. i just feel like i should have cleaned more.
but its okay - giving myself more anxiety is just not a good thing...
saturday night adam had some friends over, and i ended up having a pretty good time - more so then i expected i think.
had my cathartic moment of the month too...
back in the day, when i lost my virginity, the me and him saw the sunrise. and i told him about how i hate to see sunrises, because it means the night is over. and he told me that when i get older, i will like seeing sunrises.
and saturday night, sor the first time ever, i saw the sun rising and i was happy about it.
it doesn't sound like much here, but in an odd way, he meant a lot to me, and this experience was almost like reconnecting with him...
makes me wonder where he is now, too.... i could see him being settled down.. mebbe even with a kid.. i had a hotmail addy for him, that he'd set up the day before we met.. and he asked me to email him for his birthday (it was sometime late august/early september) and i sent him an e-card of a sunrise. i never heard back & assumed that he simply either forgot about it or forgot the username.password combo, and he was traveling then, and this is before internet cafe's, too.. but a part would love to find out for sure.
so yeah, that was saturday night...
sunday was bad.
not like actively bad, but very passively bad. it took me till 10pm to feel human again. i can't remember ever taking that long to recover, and i don't like that.
and when i did finally come ot my senses, it was just about time to go to bed again, too!
and today i don't een want to get into. i started off feeling very lethargic, and things just went downhill from there. *sigh*
i am trying really hard to look forward to this week, and failing at the moment : /
its funny, too... there has been so many things i've wanted to write about... only something doesn't feel right. to the point of debating making private entries. i just don;t know how i feel about that. i have kept an online journal for 2 years now. i am comfortable sharing with the world. just not people i know. or at least not acquaintances. i have developed this fear of being judged based on snippits of me. and yeah, i am sure a nice part of it is me judging myself, and another part is insecurity. but no matter how stupid, immature or anal that may seem, its real.
kinda like my SAD. its here. i can feel it. i am fighting it in my own way right now. i know all the different things i could do. i think i should do most of them. but actually getting to the point is so hard. its intimidating. it invokes me goddamned fear of failure. how the fuck am i going to get past that??
*sigh*
oh... i also went to clean outt he saab today.
much less of hassle then i was afraid of - i was under the impression there was a lot more stuff int here then there was.
i glad to ditch one of those big pictureframes that store lots of pictures. i don't have doubles of any of them. pictures from russia (the only pic of me & my parakeet), picture of me & stasia when we were 5, pictures from junior high & high school. i blame my mother. i left it at her house when i moved out, and at some point a couple of years ago, she told me to take it to boston. i told her i didn't want to, and that i didn't have space for it, but she insisted, and i wasn't in a mood to argue. it has lived in the trunk of my car ever since. the glass broke a couple of months into it being there, and since then its gotten smashed multiple times, the frame is in 3 pieces, and the pictures were not in a state of surviving being removed from the car. *sigh*
aside from that, i was able to keep mostly unemotional about it. i hadn't started liking the car until after the whole near-accident thing a few months ago (can't fnd the journal entry to link it), so it was a bit easier...
when i got home i was totally drained... luckily (for me) spud & melinda invited me to go out for nachos with them, and that helped me perk up again. i just still wish i could've gotten a margarita - being slightly buzzed would be good for me : )
its funny, too, how i drink so much less here then at my parent's house. there, every dinner has wine or beer... if friends are over, tea comes with liquers... and lunch comes with a beer. i miss that so much... not because of the buzz (i don't usually get buzzed there - my mom makes fun of me if i do : ) ) but because i enjoy having casual drinks. its something i was raised around, so its something i feel the absense of.
and i think i've rambled for long enough now...
