*grumble*

i want to be sleepng now...
...and i didn't used to have problems falling asleep when sleeping beside someone.. but now i do : (
its odd, but sleeping beside someone almost like give a sense of purpose to falling asleep, and i would just drift off... and spend time twisting and turning only on the off nights sleeping alone...
so i decided while bill got up for a bit i might as well write for a while...

today was just another weird day in the series...
i woke up due to a bad dream that involved me needing to call the cops because there were people here i didn't know who wouldn't leave when i told them to, and then that causing lots of problems... so i decided i was way too ickified to go back to sleep and wandered into the kitchen... just to find people there...
that took some adjusting to...
after that came a pain in the ass grocery shopping tri, as getting to the brighton star took entirely too long, and my attemp to keep the grocery list from going over $100 failed.
its not a huge deal or anything, i was just looking for more of a drop in the bills with 4 people instead of 5.. but then again, i also ended up getting a lot of meat for the boys...
and after getting back, i just felt so exhausted... i sent the majority of the day between either trying to fall asleep (unsuccessfully) or trying to snap myself out of the grogginess (with the same results)...
i did end up finishing the first chapter of my psych book, and though in theory i should have done a lot more homework over the weekend, i am going to keep the positive attitude that i did good...
the other good thing is that i got to talk to scuba about house stuff for a bit... we have a housemeeting scheduled for tomorrow, and i am really hoping things will start picking up... not because things are bad, per se, but they're just a bit away from optimal...
i'm just not looking forward to class tomorrow though... its that whole adjusting to 5 days a week classes...
well, that, and the fact that the 11:30 class is earlier then what i am used to.
other then that, nothing much is really up...
oh... heh.. 80's night...
if i could go back and redo it, i would.
bill hadn't wanted to go, and durng the night i made a comment to him that he took to be scathing rather then the joking manner i meant it in...
which lead to an argument and a spoiled evening...
in the end, though at different times, all of us ended up disappearing, and i feel rather bad about doing so without having said goodbye to ed or roma, both of whom i was really happy to see there...
c'est la vie...
and fyi, bill & did talk it out after i got home...

somehow i feel like i should be writing more...
and maybe if i was on my computer i would... but i'm on bill's and his keyboard drives me batty!!
so pbthhhhh! (as i am going to attempt to go back to sleep, again)

i don't think i like today

bill and i overslept.
by a lot.
for some reason the alarm clock didn't ring...
figures, after the cat was an annoying brat about forcing us up by 9am all weekend, today she would just let us sleep.
*sigh*
so i missed my first class... after i was so determined to not miss it.
and now it seems like i just sat down, and its already time to shower & run off to the psych class *grumble*
and i have this big ball of anxiety regarding later on today... bill is oging to be working till midnight. so in theory, i will have lots of time to myself - time to clean, do homework and just get 'me time'. but i am just so fucking scared that i will slack again... i mean i got extra hangers so that i oculd clean the room before labor day weekend, and its still a mess!
...my mom always said if i spent the time i spend stressing over something actually doing it my life would be a lot happier, and i think she's incredibly right, but stopping the cycle is hard.
kinda like my grandma's best friend's advice - her rule of thumb is to force yourself to do one thing that you don't want to do every day, and then that one thing becomes easier to do, and you can move to another, and it strengthens your willpower & self confidence.
and i remember how far away i was from being able to do that back in high school... and i know i am so much better now... but still nowhere where i should be : (
hrmm.. time ot try concertating on good things... well, my tummy has been quiet so far today...
and the house is empty... thats definately a good thing...
actually, time to just run & shower...

trying to be a good girl...

i got home... decided not to cook a meal as the hunger pains started, but ate yougurt to tide myself over and then i gathered up the living room and swept it & the kitchen!
i think i'm doing well : )
well, except that i am sitting here writing now instead of moving on to either the dishes or the bathroom... (*cringe*)
but... i'm just going to keep my happy thoughts...

class was ok today... got in a few mins late, but shit happens...
she mostly lectured on ch.1 still and went into the first portion of chapter 2 - whych was freudian stuff, which by now i can spew out of my rear end at half-will...
(heh.. how is that for fixation in the anal stage??)
on the way to class, ran into a kid named jay with whom i had a class last semester.
he said he was on campus because his truck got a flat and alternate ride wasn't showing up... i made a meager offer to help, but had to rush out of the elevator to get to class...
so after class i decided to venture up to the wit's end to see if by chance he was there & in need of help...
he wasn't...
saw someone else from the same class, but decided that going up & chatting for a bit wasn't worth the extra $2 i would have to pay the parking attendant if i did that and boarded a downward bound elevator.
a professor i had 2 years ago was in the elevator - her hair color changed, and i didn't recognize her, but she recognized me, asked me how i was doing and stuff... i thought it was neat & nifty...
made me also consider asking her to be my advisor, as you can do that with a professor thats permanent faculty rather then going through a secretary, and i haven't had too many faculty professors as a lot of the english classes i've taken have been during the summer or inthe evening...
its just odd because i've heard some evil rumors about her, and she is known in the department of being an easy professor... *shrug*
i'll make up my mind eventually : )
and hopefully before i complete my major, too!

also been thinking of things spawned by kristen's comments on yesterday's (pr was it the day before?) entry...
she mentioned that i tend to have a 'don't dare approach me' vibe... i'm going to take a stab in the dark and say thats my bubble...
back in HS i worked on perfecting my bubble... i got it to have like a 4 foot diameter... and back then i was proud of it...
and almost like cutting of my emotions when i was 6-7, i've found that its a lot easier to put up a barrier then to take one down...
i try to keep it down most of the time, but when i'm unhappy about something it just pops back up...
and i've been rather unhappy with some house situations...
so there came to be this cycle of going between being bitchy and demanding house stuff gets done - which seemed to be the only manner in which house stuff got done - or stew in being unhappy with myself for having been a bitch and then resenting the house for perpetuating my place as the nagging bitch...
and the result was that my bubble was probably up a lot...
and i guess i interpret it as more of 'approach me at your own risk - shit may spew forth' then 'don't dare approach me'.. but the difference between the two is rather slight...
as far as her bringing up things with bill... yeah, that has been a conflict.
living with an s/o i don't think was ever meant to be easy, but my expectations were rather skewed from reality, as my previous expereince with it was living with chris, and the two of us functioned as more of single unit couple as far as house stuff then me & bill do, so my lack of redefinition of house territory from relationship territory was giving lots of problems in terms of both house stuff and our relationship...
which basically all boils down to the changes i hope will come of the house situation...
because i don't want to be the bitch of the house, and i don't want to feel like i have to be the bitch of the house, but i also don't want to live in a sty.
there just has to be middle ground in there... and i do realize that me breaking my cycles is just as improtant as everyone else breaking theirs...

as far as my comment about online journals being a public forum... in my opinion they still are... that doesn't stop them from being personal, or being written for the writer, it just adds another dimension to it...
my practical criticism teacher gave us a quote the vague idea of which had been going through my head for years - but the quote does sum up a bunch nicely - 'noone can say everything about anything, therefore all descriptions are subjective' - which leads to critical thinking being, in part, the evaluation of what is said in contrast to all the other possibilities... there is no way i could write down everyhting that happens everyday in my journal... so i skip from one event to another, skipping around what is on the top of my mind and what i consider important... and through that perception, seeing kristen put in what she did stung...

but to move on to other things on my mind...
took the sex test at thespark.com after hearing talk of it at fight practice last week... and, it told me i will only sleep with 1 more person in my lifetime!!!
how sad is that?!
to top it off, bill had like 80+ more people to sleep with, so i guess thespark doesn't bode well for the future of our relationship...
of course it got me thinking about sex and where my comfort levels/inhibitions stand...
i used to think i was very uninhibited... and maybe then i was...
but its been nearly 3 years since i've been single for any noteworthy length of time, and the concept of casual sex has become nearly totally foreign to me...
and not like in a good way, i don't think... like in a way thats caused me to become more inhibited then i was... almost in an 'if you don't use it you may lose it' kind of way... only in regards to openness.. its really rather odd...
i just really don't know how i could go about remedying that... or if there are paths i would rather just not take...
hrmph.
time to cut this short though - stomach pains are kicking back in... time to swallow some mylanta and cook : (

it isn't that late...

...but i feel dead tired...
i think its all the bleach i inhaled while trying to clean the bathroom...
but the good news is, after much effort from me & scuba, the bathroom is clean!!!
...we also had the house meeting, which was somewhat low-key... and didn't really set very many ground rules unlike what i had hoped...
but its definately a start, and i am hoping that its a good one...
unfortunately i have yet to get to my homework, and as tired as i am, i can't imagine doing any tonight unless something wakes me up for some reason...
that just means i'll need to get done what i'm supposed for tomorrow in the morning, but it also means that i'm doing a piss poor job of getting things done when i'm supposed to...
damn that lack of will power!

...i've also been oddly overly hungry today.. i don't know whats up with that, but i don't think i like it... ...mostly because i have been in no mood to cook lately, and most food that settles my stomach requires cooking...
blah.