yesterday.

so yesterday was an odd day.
it started off stressful.
because our room is a mess.
and i've really tried to try and keep it clean.. but bill not halping with that has really been getting on my nerves, so i haven't cleaned in like a week..
but, when i don't clean, i try to keep the mess semi-orgianized, so that i still know where everything is.
well, while i was int he hsower, bill was digging through the room to find a pair of his pants.
he actuaolly failed, even though i found him in less then a minute after the shower, but, in looking for them, he destroyed any sort of order to the mess, and i no longer knew where everything was.
and i needed to find the hoodie i've been wearing because it had my money in it...
after realizing just how bad my order was destoryed, i asked bill to find it, because that combined with the knowledge that we were starting to run late was driving me nuts.
that, of course, was a mistake, because after him looking for it for 10 minutes, i had to find it myself, and we were just that much later.
so then we went to pick up ken, and drove to king dick's.
however much calming down i did in the car just kinda went out the window as soon as we walked into the faire...
for some reason, the crowd there made me really uncomfortable.
and unfortunately both bill and i are empaths, so if one of us is in a bad mood, both of us end up in one, so within the first half hour we got into a tiff...
i spent the hour after that just kinda chilling out by a tree, and he was wandering around the park, supposedly trying to find me...
after a bit i had decided that i might as well get up and wander around, and ran into bill, at which point we both apologized....
...and after we wandered about for a couple of minutes, we decided it was time to get food...
and after eating, i was in a good mood again...
i think that'll be the last time i skip breakfast for a while...
and for the rest of the time, i had a lot of fun, even despite the headache that i had.
we wandered around checking some of the booths, but mostly running into people we knew.
bill's friend ken was there, along with lloyd and loco, and this kid names paco with a few of bill's acquaintances, and ken found sam and jason after meeting up with them at the entrance just failed...
and hanging out sam and jason was cool : )
now if they didn't live in worcester....

we ended up staying at the fair a bit till closing, checking out more of the booths after the crowds left, and just chatting with the people w knew, but ont he dirve home i started getting really tired...
by the time we actually got home, i was barely moving, so the tentative plans to go to nashua had definately fallen through.
and after an incident of me almost flipping out while bill was making me pasta i went to bed early...
i remember i kept waking up as bill was going in and out of the room until he got to bed at like 4am, and then early int he morning when max started to wake him up (as they were supposed to get up early to go play with max's car)...

i don't know...it seems like there's the day, all summed up and tidy...
but the fact that i flipped out twice yesterday realy bothers me...
its like i can realize that i am 'overreacting', but really my hwole thought process gets fucked... and if bill is there, for some reason i end up blaming him for not fixing whatever the problem is, along the lines of 'if he cared for me he would do ____'. and thats just really not fair, especially considering how much he does do for me, and how much he takes in stride, and how patient he is.
*sigh*
and of course once i snap out of it i realize what a shit i'd been to him, but that doesn't solve the problem : /

and its like i can see why i flipped out... the first time, i was really uncomfortable in the crowd and bill was being more assertive then i could handle, and the second time i was worried that he wouldn't cook the pasta right, after he didn't the past couple of times, and then he made the same mistake again. and it wasn't me being mad at him, it was me being mad at myself for being so tired and letting him cook it for me...
but i don't know what i could do to stop it...
its like i get into this mindset and reason gets obliterated *sigh*

blah...
i really don't like the cold.
i can't wait for winter to be over already...
its funny, i try to think back to the last few winters, and i just can't iamgine how i survived them...

oh well, i'll get thorugh somehow *grumble*

blah.

so its now past 5...
and i haven't really done anything all day...
i was supposed to go out for 2 o'clock, but was actually relieved when that got cancelled...
the diea of doing schoolwork terrifies me.
well, not actually that, as much as going through everything and realizing just how behind i really am...
so, i've been working on the new page instead...
i think it may actually be a project i can finish!
or... maybe... just maybe... once i finish it i could have the whatever it takes to finally make continuity!! yeah!

so i asked neil to look over what i have so far of my bio and his comment was that it seemed like i was trying to write something close and personal, but that it came out distant and impersonal.
it made sense.
to make it personal, i'd have to take my head on a mindwarp to the days of 'back when..'.. but even getting near there makes me feel scared and somewhat nautious.
i am really far from who i was in junior high and high school, and tend to think i am much (mentally) healthier now, so trying to go back there really does odd things to me...
so i will probably try to revise it a bit - work from the inside out, as one of my professors taught us, but i don't know just how far i will get.

and speaking of my past, when visiting my family, last weekend, i was talking to my mom about when we were in russia... and i found it somewhat disheartening that my mom remembers as much, and sometimes less, then i do from my childhood.
like i remember having school second session one year (the schools were overcrowded, so some school had 2 sessions rather then doubling class size), but that was a memory of mine, and my mom was no help in figuring out which year that was (and i only got to 3rd grade there!).
it was odd... made me remember how i kept wanting my mom to take me to the 'lunapark', which was when all these carnival things were put out in gorky park, and she kept telling me she would and bailing out.
i mean, i don't remember being upset with her on any particular occasion, it was just this constant irritation to me that she hadn't yet, made just a bit more bitter as all the other kids would come back from it with all these nifty toys and foreign gum...
c'est la vie.

and now i am hungry... but don't feel like cooking : /
and don't have the money to eat out, nor the otivation to goout doors, really...
which is kinda funny because just a few minutes ago i was thinking about all the stuff that i wanted to do before fall really sinks in like going to six flags one last time, and... and.. well, i had some place else in mind, too, damnit!

oh well...