Oct. 16th, 2000

elvendoll: (Default)
...and i think i've developed some sort of senstivity to MSG, or maybe just chinese food in general, as for the second time now, after having some, i've all of a sudden been hit by exhaustion and just passed out. last night it must've hit baout 8... and i just snoozed off in the couch, with bill's arms around me...
when i woke up around 10ish he was so sweet....
he petted me and told me sweet things, and was just so gentle... i loved it : )
and after checking my email, etc, i headed off to bed.
bill decided that he was hot, so he opened the wondow and put the fan in, so it took me a bit to fall back asleep, as my nasal passages go all kinds of whacky at the cold, but i did manage to fall asleep... and i don't remember when he got to bed, but i know we held each other all night, which is something we haven't done in a while, and it felt really nice : )
well, gotta run to school now... *sigh*
elvendoll: (Default)
i think it sucks that i got over 12 hours of sleep last night, and can barely keep my eyes open anyways : (
i really have to get cracking on getting the reading for the phil. paper, and the paper itself, and all i can think about it diving under the covers : (
yeah, time to make some coffee, i know...

i'm also kinda worried cuz i have yet to hear anything other then auto-responses from the ebay auction i want. and damnit, i really want my leather pants! and to stop worrying about where my money went, too... : (

oh well, i'll give him a few mre hours...

waking up?

Oct. 16th, 2000 01:12 pm
elvendoll: (Default)
..sipping coffee... i think i am starting to wake up...
and i just got this big burst of anger and hurt...

yeah, its because of school.
because i don't want to be in school this semester.
i just really don't want it.

but on the other hand, i think that my family is right in that i don't do anything anything i don't want to do, and that its time to grow up, face the music and do what needs to be done...
and i so appreciate everything that they do for me, and think they're absolutely wondeful for it...

but i also think that its wrong to be in college and hating it, to be breezing through just to get a passing grade and a degree...
and i absolutely hate being broke and constantly stressed by homework...

so here i am sitting, wallowing at the anger at myself for taking on this responisbility, angry at my family because if i turn to them now and say that i want to drop my classes they will be (very rightfully) hurt and angry, and angry at myself for letting my lack of willpower let me get that behind in school...

and there is no easy way out. i know that.
elvendoll: (Default)
...as i got drawn into a conversation over aim...

i had a really surreal dream last night...
my parents, grandparents and i were staying at some castle, in this oddly populated area ( like it had the catle, and some totally random buidlings that didn't belong theme-wise) that all centered around this really deep and fantastical looking waterfall (only it was like a big ass hole, only one side of which was the waterfall)... and during the night, i went to sleep int he castle, but while sleeping i was aware of being on a cliff and subconsciously worked to keep myself from falling over.
When i woke up (within the dream), it was morning and sure enough, I was ont he very ledge of a cliff - one turn to the side and i would've gone over... But it looked to beautiful...
And then for some reason the castle was quite a bit away, and amidst trying to figure out how i got there, I was in this thing that had a basket to sit in like an air baloon, but had a parachute-like thing instead of a balloon... and i was in it, trying to steer it somehow to get to back to the castle... and my grandparents were on the ground, trying to give me advice, when this wind blew, and sent me in the opposite direction...
And they kept running after me, and at one point little girl (bill's cat) was with them, too, but during a low swoop of the basket, she jumped in...
And then at some point the basket crashed, and despite my grandparents' urging to try to make it go up again to get it to the castle, i decided to try and walk it, holding the cat.

odd, eh?

but today i've been extra nice to the kitty, as i somehow feel closer to her due to the honor she paid me in the dream by jumping into my basket...

among other news, my stepdad keeps sending me forwards.. like tons of them, about the mideast crisis.
and instead of deleting right after noting the "(fwd)", i looked into a couple - the first because it was a speach by Elie Wiesel, and the second just out of curiousity.
The second was stuff from a websire - www.facts4peace.com, and looking at it, i found it to be rather embelishing.
so after forwarding the two emails to ken, as he's shown interest in the cause lately, i decided to reply to my stepdad.
And i told him that i found the site to be embelishing, and that that nauseated me, as in my book embelishing discredits a cause, adding that i wouldn't pass a URL like that around...
andi asked him to at least bcc his forwards. i've gotten put on a mailing list once because of them already, and forwards in general piss me off, but i don't want to hurt his feelings by saying 'don't send me shit anymore'...
this is like the first time i've replied to one of his emails in over a year, i think...
and it felt odd...
partially because i'm not in the best of moods, so my tone wasn't all happy go lucky, and partially because of what i had to say, and the apprehension as to what his reaction may be...
i also went out on a limb and 'forgot' to snip my .sig file.... which has this URL in it...
i don't know...
on the one hand, i am pretty honest with my family, but on the other hand, they don't know how bad i've been fucking up ately, or how shitty i've felt about it. that would worry my mom too much...
but on the other hand, i feel incredibly guilty concealing anything from her - she has been incredibly wonderful, understanding and caring the past coupl of years, and its like i feel like i shouldn't be hiding anything from her...
oh well... we'll see...
*sigh*

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