(no subject)

[elvendoll]

I think I must've been 5 or 6 when, after getting into an argument with one of the other kids, I ran to my mom, explained what happened and asked her to help. My mom said something like "that's a problem you're having with one of your friends, I shouldn't get involved in it" and sent me off to deal with it.

I never approached her with a problem I was having again. Aside from health-related incidents, whenever I have any sort of problem, I don't even tell her about it until I've come up with a solution.

Discussing the issues of a friend of the family a couple of weeks ago, I said "I think I have very similar issues, but I never considered falling on you guys (my parents) to be an option". My mom came back with "You never see falling on anyone as an option".

Gee mom, I wonder why.

Here's an extra layer though - not only do I not see falling on anyone as an option, I also see any time any issue of mine spills over onto someone else as a huge infringement on their life - down to sometimes feeling patronized/placated or as if someone's expectations/perceptions of me are too low if they don't push back on me during moments of weakness.

And, I'd guess this happened within a year or so of this (yes, I now think i was younger then that entry states). It's now becoming easier to see why I decided feelings should be eradicated when I was 7 or so.

Comments

[goat.livejournal.com]

Something I've noticed through the course of living with you...is that sometimes it seems like even the slightest perception of infringement on other people (not necessarily actual infringement) sends you into rounds of apologies. It's almost like you don't feel it's ok to be human, ok to mess up, or that sometimes, what you might perceive as messing up isn't perceived that way to other people, or just might not be a big deal to them.

I worry that being sorry just feeds into things for you...feeling bad about yourself, thus increasing your anxiety, which in turn makes it harder for you to function, which you end up feeling sorry for, and so on.

Personally, I'd like to see you start apologizing less...maybe realize that it's ok to lean on others sometimes, just like they lean on you sometimes.

*hugs*

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

In truth, I don't feel that it's okay for me to mess up and to infringe on other people and I'm not sure if or how that could be changed.

[nymphochka.livejournal.com]

do you feel its ok for other people to mess up and infringe on you?

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

Within reason*, yes.

Conversely, it is much more okay for other people to mess up and infringe on me then it is for them to mess up and infringe on people I care about.

* and yes, that does create a line that shifts subjectively when I look at myself

[nymphochka.livejournal.com]

in that case, maybe it would help if you look at it from this angle:
if you don't mess up and infringe on other people you'll not put them out and will be strong and self-sufficient enough to help yourself and them when they need it BUT they will never feel good about taking it from you, as you will never give back "той же монетой" to them. so the people you are trying to save from yourself and your breakdowns and messups are actually just going to be hurt, because friendshipwise, and real vulnerable-strong-love wise, they will always knock against a wall with you - a close friend/lover...

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm still at the point of messing up and infringing on other people - just then feeling very bad about it.
And without having had prior consent, I'm not sure how I could really think it's okay to break on someone.

[nymphochka.livejournal.com]

at the risk of sounding silly - breaking on someone and working through it and from it is in my opinion the only way to build something strong...

[goat.livejournal.com]

But if you mess up, and you do, because you're human and we all do....you're very hard on yourself. And this being hard on yourself is just feeding the situation. It's ok to sometimes have a bad day or be underproductive or whatever. Experience it, move on, don't let your guilt get you stuck in the cycle, let go. Try to short circuit it by saying to yourself "ok, I had a bad day yesterday, what can I do to make today better?" instead of dwelling on how far behind your are, or what you didn't do, or how you infringed upon someone.

I think learning to break the cycle could be a really huge step for you in dealing with your anxiety and just overall being a happier person. Or I could just be projecting my own personal experience on you. I do hope this helps though.

[elvendoll.livejournal.com]

I think learning to break the cycle could be a really huge step for you in dealing with your anxiety and just overall being a happier person.

You're right. Sadly, it's easier said then done...

[goat.livejournal.com]

Don't I know it. You'll get there.

*hugs*