safe in NJ - if thats not an oxymoron

so i made it here in less the 4 hours...
did a whole bunch of speeding...
overall i'd call it a tense trip...
being tailgated by an 18 wheeler didn't help, though most of the stress was from the amount of constuction and the jersey barriers it caused (i hate those things! i seem to flip out whenver in a lane thats bordered by one & try to switch lanes ASAP... and trapped between them on both sides i come within inches of losing my sanity...i don't really know where the phoobia came from, but its sometimes a really hindering one)
no cop incidents though! : )

got here by like 2pm.. ate and tried (not very successfully) to destress.. something about family bustling about you while you're nervous about an interview isn't conductive to destressing....
and as the interview goes, its been postpned till tomorrow morning, 10:30 am.
so much for scheduling my other engagement for noon so i could sleep in!
not to mention that i prolly shouldn't eat in all that time..
*sigh*
*shudder*
that means no coffee too!
::bans all those thoughts from mind::

overall spenidng time with the family is good though...
abi spit out her bottle the second she heard my voice and went between staring at me questioningly and mumbling and smiling wonderously at me for like the first 5 mins of seeing me...
my mom says its the most reaction she's had to anyone in a long while, though not as much so as the babling she did last time...
and debbie hasn't hassled me too much, so thats good...

now i am sitting here really hungry, but its way too bustly upstairs for me to find it tolerable...
soon though... soon.... food will be mine!!!
: )

now if only i wasn't craving sushi from the netgoth discussions on the matter!

why do i keep making walls?

i'm sitting here feeling shitty because bill is going to have a fun weekend going up to moose & julie's.
it doesn't seem fair that he's going to have that much fun while i'm stuck here.
then i try to figure out why i feel stuck. i mean, noone is keeping me in the house. i have a car. i am free to roam.
i think of going to NY, and get bummed out by the thought that i have noone to go with.
i remember how much i used to love going into NY by myself and wandering the streets and the museums for hours.
i get near teary trying to figure out what the current me did with the me that was so much independent, carefree, and well, lets face it - more interesting and fun.
i search deep in and am totally disheartened by not finding even an ounce of desire to go into the city on my own.
all i find is projections of misery through anticipation of cold loneliness.
i've always separated being alone from being lonely. i used to barely be lonely... and somehow that changed.

and i still feel shitty about not liking the thought of bill going up to NH.
he's going to hang out with moose & julie & morph & tessa and i should be happy for him rather then having my head so far up my ass.

*sigh*
i think it wouldn't be so bad if i knew i could come home sunday night.
i just feel like i don't have a choice about being here, and the thought of being here for like a week scares me.
c'est la vie.
shit happens and i'm getting kicked off so the guests can go to sleep...