hitting a wall

its been a little bit over a month, and i still don't have a job.
i totally don't understand what is going wrong.
everyone who's looked over my resume says it looks good, i have it posted onboth dice & monster, and there;s 2 headhunter agencies that are supposed to be doing stuff for me. not to mention the dozens of emails i've sent out applying for posted positions.
and still zilch.
i am going to bite the bullet & say that no word still from the place i interviewed on monday is a bad sign.and i shouldn't have hope left. i'll prolly call em again today, but really.. *sigh*
i think i am going to try a couple of worse-scenario applications and then go to the temp agencies.
i was really (really) hoping it wouldn't have to come to that. did i mention really??
i guess whats bugging me is i want to know why. what am id oing wrong here? i have never spent this long looking for a job before...
and i feel so fucking shitty.
i just keep sitting here, hoping something will come through.

and there's nothing.
so yeah.

and i feel pretty shitty this morning anyways.
didn't sleep well again...
i think my body is really missing the coffee i used to give it, because its taking me too long to pull my head out of my ass again, but my stomach won't tolerate it.

last night after bill got home he checked out my scar and said its just doing normal healing stuff. then the doc called & gave me a couple of suggestions, too. made me feel like a shit for stressing the whole day over it... i guess the last time i had the operation the healing was exceptionally smooth, and this shite is the norm.
and after much indecision, i ended up going out last night. brendon said he'd be there,and i'll admit that had me curious. he never showed, but c'est la vie.
it was an odd combination of people.. none of my safeties were there, but i did my best to hold my own.
when i first got in, made the firsr cuple of rounds & found myself all by my lonesome i got all knotted inside.
sat down for a bit to watch the dancefloor, but still felt out of place - i just couldn't remove myself enough. then i made myself dance for a couple of songs and it really helped; i walked around for a bit & 'socialized'.
thats such the weird word. mostly because to me its associated with anxiety. i feel so out of place with people who are just acquaintances(sp) because i feel like i'm intruding on their space...
yeah.
but amdist that, i did sit down to watch the dancefloor again & was able to just remove myself and watch - and it felt good. made me smile, even : )
the evening ended with some confusion that resulted in me driving starchy home, but overall it was all good, i didn't want to walk to my car alone no matter what - its funny, because one of the big reasons i drive to the club is that even the slightest comments/catcalls make me feel really uncomfortable, and driving usually does the trick. last night i parked 2.5 blocks away from the club, and was first whistled and made comments at by some 3 frat-looking guys, and then, this one kid, smelling of alcohol & all, started telling me that he hates seeing girls like me be walking home alone! so i said 'don't worry, i am not going home' and walked off - and he seemed to be fine with that. as far as sad stories go, i think that is the kicker, though it perpetuates my curiousity as to what it is about (certain) men that makes them think that whistling, making loud commnets, or hitting on strangers is ok. *grumble*

blah.
a part of me feels like i want to hide from the world today.
and the other realizes how much of an oxymoron that statement is at the moment.

i'm still scared

odd day today.
spent most of it despairing... then decided, what the f*ck, and posted to netgoth. at first there was nothing... c. called... didn't say anything about the confusion stuff last night - and given i'm not really miffed at him, it still woulda been nice... asked me if i wanted to do office stuff for $$ but i declined - it would not have been much, and i was not in a mood to leave the house, let alone do office stuff (not my bag of chips). i kinda felt bad, cuz here i am whining that i don't have a job, and then turning down (no matter how little it was) an apportunity. but then mail started coming in & i feel better about my decision now.. and hopeful again : ) i just really hope something pans through *crosses fingers*
now i am in a good mood, and hungry, but don't want to eat much because bill is going to make sushi when he gets home, and i want to have an appetite ready for that : ) in fact, i can barely wait - sishi should definately be listed among my addictions!