this best just be my low point today.

i feel so shitty.
earlier on in the week, bill madeplans to go away for a part of the weekend without consulting me. s'ect la vie - he doesn't have to spend all his time stuck here. it just kinda of annoyed me that he made plans to go away for 2 weekends in a row, without consulting me.
then, last night, i was coming down with a cold. i felt like total shit -my throat was so sore talking really hurt & just the thought of eating mademe shudder... and bill was just kind of aloof.
and he's been aloof a lot lately... to the poin where i've been trying to think of a way to get things to change.
only last night it got to me bad, and i couldn't keep silent. when he said he was still leaving early in the morning, i gave him a piece of my mind, and we ended up getting into a fight. because its one thing that just waking up & doing the morning mope around together is one of the things i look forward ti during the week, totally another when he doesn't even consider sticking around longer because i am sick.
in the end, we resolved that we need to talk and figure out how we can better the aspects of our relationship we'd like improved, and he said he wouldn't leave first thing in the morning.
not that we did much together thiss morning - he spent most of it online, and i just kinda hung around him, putting off having breakfast until he left (i was internally debating my absolute craving for french toast & the despair that i didn't have the right type of bread for it, and then finally decided i'd make it later on, as he didn't want to stick around ot have breakfast with me). well, the boy has a tendency to run late. a lot. and he was running late this time. and there was the tiny little bad angel sitting on my shoulder saying that if he runs late, he'll be around for breakfast. only what happened was he asked me for a ride to north station. by this point i was rather hungry & feeling on the defensive because here he is not sticking around to spend breakfast with me, and asking me for a ride. i made a face, and before my guilt kicked me and told me to agree, he said fine, and went to go take the train.
well, sure enough he missed it.
the next one is in 2 hours.
and he's going to spend that time at north station, even though i offered him a ride back there if he came home. which made me feel pretty shitty.
and then he asked me if i could bring his devil sticks to himt o north station! that made me pissy.
so now i feel like all kinds of shitty because on the one hand, if i wasn't such a bitch, he wouldn't have missed his train, but ont he other, i still kinda resent him for not sticking around a bit longer & making me feel like i'm obligated to drive him around; i didn't do anything to make him late.
and in a lot of ways i just feel rejected.
i've been tyring really hard to do all the things that he'd asked me to do and been feeling like he's doing less and less for me. or not really doing less.. jsut not being as affectionate, not offering to do things for me that he used to offer. and hehasn't really been enthusiastic about anything to do with us for a while - sometimes it just really feels like he's just going through the motions. and the bottom line, no matter how much i know that he's just happy to see firneds hehasn't seen in some time, it still hurts to see him be all excited about something that specifically excludes me...
blah.
on other news, scuba has moved out.
i still don't know how i feel about that, other then just plain weird.
last night bill & i moved moved our computers into the room.. and it just lookslike there's something missing from it : /
and moving them also left large areas to be cleaned up in both the living room and our bedroom (which needs lots of cleaning anyways) and i was planning on doing it all (or as much as i could) today... only i didn't plan on feeling this crappy : /
at least the cold has eased up some since yesterday - my throat is still sore & eyes feel a bit harsh, but not to the point of debilitating me.
the cold, well thats another qustion. a part of me wants to crank the heat up, the other doesn't want to deal with the bills after doing that..

blah!
wish there was such a thing as a happy pill... or at least something to take care of my anxiety & insecurity without any side effects.

tasting life all over again...

its funny, i go through fases where either i listen to a lot of music, or just hear it at the clubs whenver i goout...
and i think a part of that is caused by the fact that i build really strong associations between music and experiences associated with it...
on a whim, i just (finally) downloaded leonard cohen's dance me to the end of love, and listening to it, just made me wonder why i choose to torture myself like this - the song is totally associated with bill, and is emphasizing how abandoned i feel right now. to top it of, the sound of it really reminds me of old russian pop songs, the kind my grandmother used to have playing in our kitchen while she was cooking, and that is totally associated with being careless & content and looking forward to the soont o come family meal. and i am here, home alone.
at least max called a few mins ago, and when he figued out that i was home alone said he's be back soon - which made me feel all nice & fuzzy inside, because even though i am perfectly capable of being home by myself, its just getting me down to be like this on a weekend.
actually, i am probably pmsing.
this would explain my outburst last night, too..

next ont he list of self-torture is cirque du soleil, alegria. really mixed bag here. first the very obvious - seeing the show, it was my first cique du soeil, and i didn't really know what to expect, but i was excited. and more importanly, micah, the kid i had a crush on at the time, snuggled with me through the performance. and then of course insecurity - he never really mentioned that again, i think i saw him like once after that weekend (and months had passed), and he barely noticed me, but definately teenage-crush excitement & letdown stuff. then, moving to boston, hearing it played at ceremony, feeling like my life was finally coming together... organizing the (first of 2) cirque du soleil sheep trip... the excitement of foundling friendships and NRE... after the second cirque du soleil trip (when i bought the CD), bringing the CD into tiac to play to bill.. (the cd was 'misplaced' at one of bill's old houses).. listening to the cd at bill's house throughour NRE period...
i think part of the way i feel about mine and bill's relationship now is caused by the fact that this time last year, we were pretty much at the height of NRE & closeness, and as i dread the coming of harsh winter, i also notice little things that remind me of this time last year, making the difference in our attitudes toward each other that much more there.
and i so wish kira could come visit me again. its funny how last time, we thought it was such a crappy time for a visit because of the weather, but now i just want it back, so bad... she says we should try & plan somehting for the spring break period, but i am scared to get hopeful - until 1 year ago, we kept making and making tentative plans, and it was still 3 years that we hadn't seen each other.
*sigh*
really gotta get to cleaning though...

blahbittyblah.

so its getting into the eving..
i kinda feel like a bad 80's movie - not knowing what to do with myself on a saturday night.
a part of me feels icky for being home alone, but thats been a constant all day... a part of me wants to stay home 7 veg - watch tv, read, play computer games... only i am afraid of not being able to fall asleep. i've been having a hard time falling asleep at night as it is, and to be doing it alone is going to be harder.
i even briefly considered taking off for NJ.
it wasn't a new thought - i had been considering it earlier on, too, but when i was feeling sick last night i'd crossed it off as an option. by the time i thought of it tonight, i wouldn't even get there till 2am...
i'm giving some htought to going to manray... only id on't want to get there and not know anybody there... its bad enough that i can barely afford to go out, and to go out, and then have a louy time would add insult to injury. i called ed & jon & chris' house, by they're all staying in.. and tobi said she may go earlier on in the week, but i haven't seen her online today, so i don't know : /
blah.
and its so damn cold!
but... to add some good news, i cleaned a lot of the kitchen today, and when max came home, he got this burst of energy and rather then just helping me pick up the rest of the house, rearranged (and swept: ) ) the whole living room so now it looks all clean : )
of course now the access stuff have to be sorted & taken out of the kitchen, and i still hve to clean mine & bill's room, but thats for tomorrow.
& damnit, i still feel shitty.
maybe i'll go out just to get out of the damn house.. i don't even know : (